Blog Anniversary

On this day last year I went public with my blog. It took me a few weeks to write the story of Audrey's very brief visit here, and gain the courage to share it. As I sit now and think back on those days I see a stark contrast to who I am now in some ways but some things have remained the same. I was a very private person and it was hard for me to be so vulnerable at first. I took the risk of starting a blog because I was desperate for a release. I had so much inside I needed to just get out into the atmosphere. I've been journaling for years and it became time for a new level. Now I feel like my life is an open book and I'm pretty okay with that. I know now that I'm not a freak, many others have and are experiencing the same range of thoughts and emotions. That makes it easier to write whatever comes to mind, and I put a lot less pressure on myself. I started out a baby blogger and now I feel as though I've made it through elementary, I kind of feel that way about my grief too.

I started with the title of my blog being Faith, Hope and Loving Audrey. I don't remember the day I decided to shorten it and I never mentioned it here I just did it. And the reason, well, this space along with my life became less about faith and hope than it was about loving Audrey. I longed for hope, and struggled to keep faith. Do I still? Sure I do. I used to feel ashamed of that, hence the title change. I no longer felt the content was worthy of such a title. Those first months after we lost Audrey I felt close to God, I felt like all I had was faith, then suddenly He felt so distant- I became distant. I started to doubt all that I believed, I lost hope for my future. I was being swallowed up by my tsunami sized grief as I explained in this post.  Now the image that comes to mind is more like me carrying my grief in a hobo bag that is actually kind of pretty. I've managed to contain it in a bag that is always with me, and at times I trip and fall, the contents spill out all over, but nonetheless I can carry it now, instead of it carrying me. I can look at the contents whenever I want, I can set the bag down when it is too heavy and I can do so in public or in private. My faith and hope are slowly being restored-they look different now. Maybe more realistic. Maybe I have a more accurate understanding of who God really is and who I am in and through Him. But I'm still here,still working it out, it still hurts.

I'm interested in exploring what the next year will bring and how the tone and content of my blog may change. Change is in the air and I feel good about it. I'm not okay going about it without Audrey but I'm learning to accept that I don't have a choice. I can't bring her back and I'm tired of wishing I could. I won't forget her but I must keep going and give my life room for joy. That means giving less time to the grief that tries to steal all of my attention. It's hard, I've given all of my attention to the grief, but now I feel the pressure of setting boundaries, though it feels like a healthy step to take. So here's to the end of one blog year and on to the beginning of a new....