Sunday, January 31, 2010

Here's to starting anew

I did it. I gave my two week notice. I am leaving the position I have held for 6 years. What a relief, my life is about to change for the better!

Before I was pregnant with Audrey I planned to quit and start my own business. Then when I became pregnant we decided it would benefit us more for me to stay put for insurance purposes and a maternity leave. I planned to give birth, take my short term disability and let my company know that I would not return. During the decision making process I asked myself if I was being selfish for wanting to continue on with my plans to leave. I made a decent salary, had benefits and knew we could support our new child with our current salaries. Starting a business wasn't as "stable." Then it became clear to me. By staying in a job I had lost my passion for and most days dreaded showing up to - I was settling for less than I deserve and far less than God has called me to and gifted me for. I want to teach my children to follow their dreams, to utilize the gifts God has given them and to answer the call even if it will be hard work. I want to set an example, to trust God for provision and to be obedient.

So this is for you Audrey. God gave me the talent to see each person as a unique and beautiful creation and to help them enhance it. It makes me so happy to help others recognize their beauty, and encourage them to be their authentic selves as I have learned and am still learning. One's appearance is only a fraction of what makes a person beautiful but that is the part of the equation I am called to.

I am opening a salon studio in my home. I do this in memory of Audrey. I still do it to set an example even though she is not here to learn from her mother.

The countdown begins...10 days til I am done with this chapter and on to the next.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Keepin it real

I feel fat. I feel angry. I feel alone.

My attitude stinks!

I realized this week that I have been turning to food for comfort because on some level I don't care to lose the weight I gained being pregnant. It's another way of holding on to my pregnancy, one more thing I have left of Audrey. I'm a mess internet!

One moment I am so grateful for my dear husband and want to show him by giving him hugs and spending time with him and the next I'm full of rage just looking at him.

I hate the jealousy I feel toward pregnant women and mothers.

I can hardly stand to share headspace with the part of me that gets irritated at cheerful people. I am so evil.

If healing is a wagon - I have fallen off! I'm a hater!

I am so ANGRY!! Mostly at myself, at my body for failing Audrey!

That's really all I have to say...I'm a mess

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I won't give up

My mother-in-law went into hospice on Tuesday and Friday her battle with congenital heart failure ended. I hesitate to say that I couldn't shed a tear, yes I feel sad for my husband and his siblings but I had no tears left. It's as if my tears are reserved only for Audrey. There is no pain greater than loosing a child. I've heard this statement before but now I understand it. Marylin was sick for years, she was 78years old and her husband went before her just about 18 months ago. It was her time and now we can only hope she is at peace.

So, the year started off with another death. I struggled to get out of bed these past few days, but I WON'T GIVE UP.

I love to read and recently I have fallen in love with the words of Max Lucado. Right now I am reading He Still Moves Stones in the chapter It's All Right to Dream Again he writes:

"The God of surprises strikes again.... God does that for the faithful. Just when the womb is too old for babies Sarai gets pregnant. Just when the failure is too great for grace David is pardoned....The lesson? Three words. Don't give up.
Is the trail dark? Don't sit.
Is the road long? Don't stop.
Is the night black? Don't quit.
God is watching. For all you know right at this moment... the apology may be in the making. The job contract may be on the desk.
Don't quit. For if you do you may miss the answer to your prayers."

I feel like it is okay for me to dream again. I am dreaming of my rainbow. I have prayed that God will bless us this year with a baby-to-go. I am ready, I want to be vulnerable before the Lord with another pregnancy. I -in no- way will replace Audrey or wipe away the grief of loosing her. She will be forever engraved on my heart. And whether we have another child soon or wait years, we will still have to trust the Lord and go through the same emotions and fears other parents who have lost babies do.

I am dreaming again of my business endeavor. Soon I will quit my job and dive in to the call of my heart. It's scary, but I will have to rely on God to be the father, to provide for me. I will tell you all about it when it falls into place.

Is anything too hard for the LORD? No! Genesis 18:14

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Less of me

Well here it is, 2010 and the correct thing to do would be to write a New Year post. Should I capitalize it like it's a holiday or an official title? Isn't it just another day, only the beginning of a new year? Ah well, I'll leave it because majority rules and everywhere I see it, it's capitalized.

So I've been reflecting on the upcoming year for weeks now and I had a post rolling around in my mind, but as I was about to put it to keyboard it all changed. Each year I set some goals I would like to achieve, ways I would like to improve or be more responsible, which I do a pretty good job of actually working toward. Then around my birthday I tend to reflect more on my life and ask myself if I am where I'd like to be and what else I would like to work on. My birthday is in June so it's almost half way through the year and it just seems the natural thing to do, just like making new years resolutions. Whether I accomplish them or not is another story. Well, no more resolutions, no more making goals at the turn of a new calendar year or birth year.

Here's how the original post rolling around in my head went:

Title: Divorce papers served
Dear 2009, you have been served. You have disappointed beyond my capacity to forgive, therefore we must end our relationship. I have no respect left for you and it's clear that by the way you treated me you have none for me. In January Jamie totaled his work truck, our computer got a virus and crashed, and because of that I lost the only copies of my best work. March 16th I had a miscarriage. Only one week later my aunt Penny died and left a huge hole in our family. All the while my best friend's life as she knew it was falling apart, thanks to the economy. Her and her husband were quickly losing all they had which forced them to eventually move half way across the country and in with her parents. April was like a curse that fell on my workplace as each employee suffered either a death or sickness in their family, which continued into May. August began with me losing my office and ended with the death of our great grandmother. September took my sweet Audrey and left me with an infection, and a boat load of other issues that carried into October, November and finished off the year. In October my uncle almost lost his life, was hospitalized, underwent major surgery and again came close to death. A wind of horror blew through everyone I was close to. A friend and colleague got into a terrible accident and is now in a wheelchair, another supported her boyfriend through a pulmonary embolism that nearly took his life, landed him in the hospital twice and cost him his job. An employee's dad went in for surgery able to walk, and talk and because of one wrong move in the O.R. he may continue to be paralyzed from the chest down. Another employee had a loved one commit suicide on Christmas Eve. A friend and client lost her job for no other reason than poor ownership to a thriving business. I could continue, but you get the know what happened this year, 2009. I think you sucked!! I am so over you!! You gave so many such little joy and caused much sorrow. I am running of with 2010, I am sure he will be better for me. Goodbye and good riddance!


Well now, that felt good! Here's the thing though, we have a plan, we make goals, we hope that the turn of a decade will bring new and happier days and we take on this hope like it's the air that we breathe. Then there's God's plan, his time, his calendar. It is not mapped out anything like ours. Think of it this way, does cancer know what day it is? Does a failing heart continue to beat just because the people who love the one it belongs to had a bad year?
So, I ask God to help me pursue joy in the midst of whatever the next year brings. I ask him to give me grace to make it through each new day, to show me what those days might be like ahead. To prepare me for what he has in store and I receive the grace that is sufficient for me. For 2010 I hope to fall more in love with my Savior, that's it. It's the first commandment and my focus. GOD I NEED YOU, far less of me and so much more of you!

"You will know that God's power is very great for us who believe." Ephesians 1:19