Monday, March 29, 2010

Rejection and fear

Hi darlings,
As I approach new things on the horizon I find myself not knowing what to write. I have many things happening to keep me busy, from my new buisness to planning a baby loss walk, to starting a few other blogs ...which I will soon update you on. How do you like my new look? It was time for a change.
God has been so good to me, I am meeting influencial people who will help further my business. However; I find myself so heavily burdened by failure that it's hard for me to advance, to receive the success that is about to mine. For a little background... years ago I moved to LA to follow my dream to work in film, doing makeup mostly and some hair. After a few years I decided the wisest thing to do was go back home for awhile, because I wasn't "making" it.  Since I've been here I became allergic to many ingredients in the beauty industry and had to quit working in the salon. So now that I have found all organic products which allows me to do hair, I've opened a salon of my own - the one and only organic salon in my area. Sounds exciting doesn't it? Well it is - sometimes but I am afraid....afraid to fail again.
Sometimes I think, "What is the worst that can happen- I mean Audrey is DEAD!! Nothing can be worse than that right? So what if word gets around town that I'm a lousy stylist, who cares if Jane Doe doesn't want to come to my salon because it's not in WEST Des Moines(The epitimy of suburbia). Can that kind of rejection really hurt me more than losing my baby?"
No, of course not. This fear isn't rational, I know that. I've struggled to just let go of myself, share my talent with the world without fear of rejection and I've had breakthroughs, so I'm frustrated to find myself in this place again. Losing Audrey has sent me into a whirlwind of fear. A fearful wounded place I thought I would never see in myself again. I feel like a failure on so many levels now. So, everyday I get up put on my disguise and lie my face off most of the day. In fact this is the most honest I've been in DAYS!!

Lord, help me believe in myself again, and not just me but you flowing through me.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Third Time's A Charm

 I've come to realize that the greatest things that have happened in my life have happened the third time around. The third city I moved to is where I find myself settling in and calling home. Though I still have fond memories of and occasionally still speak to my first two best friends it is the third who I know will grow old remaining by my side.The best roomate dynamic I expirienced came when three of us lived in Apt. #313.And last but certainly not least,the third serious relationship I entered into resulted in marrying my wonderful husband!
I bet you can see where I'm going with this... Could it be that my third pregnancy will result in bringing a healthy, chubby, kicking, little newborn baby home with me? I can only hope.

"No one has ever imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Cor. 2:9

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A beautiful necklace

Check out this beautiful necklace created for baby loss mamas in memory of Audrey Caroline, head on over to Angie's blog Bring the Rain. I signed up to win and you can do the same!
And I'm so excited because I think i just finally learned how to link!!

Wishing you all peaceful days.

Monday, March 15, 2010


On this day last year I was curled in a ball crying out to God, "How could you let me go through this? When I found out I was pregnant I praised you! You told me that you were restoring the years the locust had eaten. How is this restoration God? I begged you to let me keep this baby because I can't possibly survive one more thing...and here I am losing the blessing I gave you glory for, how can you take away the gift you just gave me???"

And here I find myself again only tonight I am crying out for so much more. Last year on this day I was experiencing a miscarriage. I felt so abandoned, so alone and broken. Tonight I cry because I lost that child I never felt move, who was only a dream. I cry because I bonded with Audrey and lost her too. I cry because people have greatly disappointed me today, including God. Yeah, God and two of the most important people in my life. One seems to avoid the topic and the other can't offer me any comfort and changed the subject when I needed comfort tonight. As for God, I wouldn't know where to begin or end except he knew that this anniversary would fall today and that my period would arrive, so how is that my husband is outta town for work and I am all alone- just like last year! While my husband worked my world was crashing down on me!

I feel so broken! There is no glue that can fix me.

Also, little did I know but this day last year my aunt was in terrible pain, suffering and barely surviving what would be her last days as she died March 31st. My mom called me a few days after the miscarriage to say that my Aunt Penny was going into the hospital.

I went to see my uncle today and he- like me is riding the waves of grief. He was brave enough to say Audrey's name and more than once. We laughed together and more importantly cried together. I left feeling like at least one person I can see and feel in person understands what I need. I didn't set out so that he could comfort me, quite the contrary as I think of him and miss my aunt often.

I keep asking God to show me whether our miscarried child was a boy or a girl. Nothing, Nada, zilch. I'd like to give him or her a name instead of saying "the miscarriage," this disappoints me too-about God.

Tonight I feel alone and broken.

I would cry more, but right now I am looking at a pile of tissues that is becoming another part of my new normal, a huge ball of mess that hold all the snot I am able to produce for one day. My eyeballs feel like fire, my head like a bomb on it's last few ticks, my sinuses hurt when I walk and I imagine myself in a million pieces all over the floor and I just don't care. I am a broken mess. To add injury to insult, one of my dogs just farted and the stench just slapped me like a tennis racket in the face..... It's okay if you're laughing now because I am!

This might call for a painting.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

6 months

It was six months ago today that I gave birth to my sweet Audrey. I find myself weeping. It is so appropriate that we are under a flash flood warning this week. It's the same with my soul, so many days have gone by that I have laughed, found peace and acceptance and found a new normal. I have had bitter winter days and I managed to allow some sunshine in, but just like spring, grief will inevitably cause a flood from time to time. Every time I hear that news man say cloudy with a 90% chance of showers, I feel as though he is describing me!

What makes me really irritable is the fact that so few people have asked me how I am dealing with Audrey's death. It's been this way for the last 5 months now. Maybe people assume that since I am functioning I must be okay. I have been told that people don't want to ask for fear they might upset me. I'm upset anyway! What they really mean is they will feel uncomfortable if I start crying, it's a selfish motive -I think.

Anyway, I have noticed a change in the way I respond to babies as of late. For the longest time when a baby would be in view I would look away, it was too painful for me to see someone in the grocery store with a baby. Now, I find myself staring until the baby leaves my site. Today as I was driving, a woman got her baby out of a parked car and started walking up the side walk, she was carrying her sleeping girl under a blanket and all I could see was dark hair and her legs and feet. She was probably about 6 months old. This was in front of a school so I was driving slow anyway but I found myself slowing to watch her walk until I absolutely couldn't watch anymore. Well, the van in front of me braked to turn and I almost rear-ended it! That jolted me into reality...I thought, "huh, I've been staring at babies subconsciously." I remembered a baby about 6 months old I was staring at in a store as I was fully conversing with a friend over the weekend.

There is a country song "Who you'd be today" I heard it the other day and although it is written about a woman, I couldn't help but think who Audrey would be today. The thing I wonder about the most is what color her eyes are. I love my husbands vibrant blue eyes, I prayed and prayed that she would have his eyes. I also asked for dark hair, God answered that prayer, she would have had a lot if she went to term. My favorite pictures of her are the ones where she isn't wearing a hat, I love looking at her dark hair.

I miss you so much baby girl, words just can't express the depth of longing to see you again. I wish I could hold you in my arms and squeeze you really tight. Every time I squeeze Maggie or Lucy I wish I was holding you. Those dogs feel really loved I'm sure of it.

Happy heavenly 6 months to you Audrey, we love you.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

99 Things

Maggie at Butterflies for Alexandra had this great idea - I think it was weeks ago! ...(And sorry I can't figure out how to make a link!) It took me a while to think up 99 things, but I thought I would join in the fun, please do the same! I'd like to share the random and funny things about me and my life with my readers and get to know you better as well.

Here are the rules: Bold the things you've done too and post them on your blog!

1. Started a blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Bought something from an infomercial
4. Had more than one flat tire on the same road trip
5. Shopped at the Mall of America
6. Been to Disneyland
7. Climbed a mountain
8. Jumped on a pogo stick
9. Fell from a tent naked as a child
10. Been to Mt. Rushmore
11. Toilet papered someone’s house
12. Watched a lightning storm
13. Taught yourself an art from scratch
14. Sold knives
15. Had food poisoning
16. Put a worm on a hook
17. Had “Glamour Shots” taken
18. Failed a class
19. Been interviewed by the police
20. Had a pillow fight
21. Been a part of a Broadway show
22. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
23. Built a snow fort
24. Held a lamb
25. Gone skinny dipping
26. Ran a marathon
27. Been white water rafting on the Arkansas River in Colorado
28. Played spades
29. Watch a sunrise or sunset
30. Hit a home run
31. Quit smoking
32. Been a friend to someone no one else liked
33. Walked the stars on Hollywood Blvd.
34. Seen an Amish community in person
35. Ate tacos in Tijuana
36. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
37. Done tongue tricks for a crowd
38. Gone rock climbing
39. Adopted a middle-aged pet
40. Sung karaoke
41. Seen Old Faithful Geyser erupt
42. Burned my mouth on jalapeno seeds
43. Seen John Wayne's birthplace
44. Walked on a beach by moonlight
45. Drove down Snake Alley
46. Witnessed someone else's child being born
47. Call my brother his name backwards
48. Fell asleep on the couch
49. Wore mis-matched socks all day
50. Ran out of gas
51. Kissed in the rain
52. Played in the mud
53. Gone to a Drive-in Theatre
54. Been in a movie
55. Dated a criminal
56. Started a business
57. Made a stranger laugh
58. Burned tacos
59. Served at a soup kitchen
60. Sold Girl Scout cookies
61. Been in a cave
62. Got flowers for no reason
63. Danced to the music in my head
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Fell up the stairs
66. Bounced a check67. Been to Cocoa Beach Fl.
68. Saved a favorite childhood toy
69. Wore a henna tattoo
70. Been given a car-for free
71. Laughed histerically at yourself
72. Had pink hair
73. Drove on the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Been fired from a job
75. Went horse back riding through mountains
76. Broken a bone
77. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
78. Seen a redwood forest
79. Drove on the PCH
80. Saw Chicago from the Sears Tower
81. Watched a street performer on Venice Beach
82. Missed a flight
83. Had your picture in the newspaper
84. Had a surprise party thrown for me
85. Hailed a cab
86. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
87. Had chickenpox
88. Been serenaded
89. Partied on a yaht
90. Met someone famous
91. Fired a gun
92. Got a tattoo
93. Had a baby
94. Seen the Alamo in person
95. Lived with an incredible view
96. Recieved a $50 tip.
97. Owned a cell phone
98. Been stung by a bee
99. Quit a job without giving notice

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Just wondering

I've been thinking about how different my life may be right now if Audrey hadn't died. I can't help it, I'm a what-ifer and have been for, well, maybe all my life. What if I would have chose to live with my dad instead of my mom...what if my ex-fiance' and I would have married and on and on. Don't get me wrong- I don't wonder about those things now, what I wonder about now is Audrey.

I wonder if, despite my happiness, I would have gotten depressed being home with a newborn through this nasty winter.
I wonder if I would have taken being a mother for granted and complained about certain things that go along with it, like every normal mother does.
I wonder if Jamie and I would still fight about the same stupid things we no longer find important enough to waste energy disagreeing on.
I wonder if we would have gotten our dog, Lucy.
I wonder what it would feel like to hold her to my breast. What would it feel like to comfort her cries? What kind of -she-did-the-cutest-thing-today kind of stories might I have told our families and friends?
Mostly, I wonder what she would have liked, who she would have become, what her little quirks would be. Who would she look like? Would she be smart, athletic, creative? Would she be into Snow White? Hello Kitty? Would she have chosen the path of faith I would have taught her?
These things, I will never know.

Here's one thing I do, I'm a better person for having her.

I love you and miss you so much baby girl!