Thursday, February 25, 2010

My new life...keepin it real #3

I had all these plans before I quit Peels. I would imagine how I would spend my days focusing on my business, working out, planning a walk to remember the babies lost in our community, maybe volunteer for a women's shelter and I wanted to cook more. I thought I would have it together, be more motivated, feel excited about my new life. I've met new people and made good contacts for my career which is exciting but I've changed. I am deeply disappointed. I am about to have the life I wanted before I was ever pregnant, which isn't exactly what I want now. I want to be tired because I was up all night with Audrey. I want to forget to take a shower because I am so enthralled in mothering. I wish my house was dirty not because I am depressed but because Audrey steals all my attention. I want to be able to say when someone calls me for work that I am only available in the evening when Jamie gets home from work, because I have a daughter I am with during the day. THIS SUCKS!!!!!

Do we ever get what we want!? I try so hard to be thankful for what I do have, I can't seem to find it in me today.

I know what I need to be doing but I can't. I need to take care of myself by eating well, exercising and- shoot- even sitting here crying, but I am tired of grief.

Grief is like the person who comes over uninvited then stays far longer than you wish he would.

And....I really do not like my new part time job. There must be some lesson here.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


And now these three things remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1Cor. 13:13 When I chose the title of my blog, I had no idea that I would learn so much about love from Audrey. For years now I have cried out to God asking him to teach me love. So many circumstances from the past have really messed up my understanding of love. In my struggle to please God I realized I couldn't follow the first commandment: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength. Deut. 6:4 "What does loving you like this mean? What does loving another human being like this mean?" I asked God.
Even the story of the cross escaped me, despite the fact that I believe in Him. But, through this grief I had a revelation. I loved Audrey with all my heart, soul and strength and I still do. I would have given my life to save hers. I see God's love for me with new eyes now, by comparing it to the love I have for Audrey. I can finally say I am getting it...not fully aware yet but I'm starting to get it.

My nurse midwife (who I planned to have a home birth with) told me that one day I would realize the gift that Audrey left me with. Now I know, it is love. Valentines Day has always been a favorite of mine. Many of them have left me disappointed, as a result I didn't get my hopes up this year and I have to say I feel so blessed! My life is so full of love. My wonderful husband gave me this necklace in memory of her. I photographed it with the card I gave him behind it. Our love has grown so much since we lost her.

This necklace represents so much for us... the angels keeping charge over us, one heart for each baby we have in heaven, each of our hearts remaining open to one another and our children- including those we will have in the future.

I couldn't have asked for a better gift!

Your daddy and I miss you so much. We dug out your grave site today to give you our hearts, the wind was so cold and bitter, the snow blew over our footprints in the few minutes it took us to place these hearts. We wish you could be here with us more than anything in the world! Neither of us have ever known love like the love we have for you. We will continue to honor your memory by loving each other and our heavenly father.
Love always,
Thank you God for giving her to us even though it was so brief.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Keepin it real #2

UUUGGH... Okay so, all I can think about today is having a baby. I want to be a mother soooo bad. I want Audrey, I want another baby, heck I'll take someone else's baby, I just want a baby. I am working with a girl who is having a baby and one who thinks she could be having a baby and one who just had a baby and overheard a customer's phone conversation that she's having a baby and I WANT A BABY!!!!!!

I want to close my eyes and wake up in the morning with a baby.
I want to fast forward months and just have a baby.
I want to rewind and have Audrey.
I'm tired of holding my dog like a baby, I'm beginning to feel a little crazy!


We aren't even doing the "baby" dance for that to happen right now...I'm just having one of those days. I can't seem to put forth the effort to lose "baby" weight and eat healthy let alone take care of myself for pregnancy purposes - which I am hating myself for!

I just needed to put that out there.

Sunday, February 7, 2010


I find myself getting back into the swing of life. I feel different now but it seems I've found a way to move forward without my daughter here. I am busy getting my salon started and my freelance side of things back in order. Weeks have gone by that I have not stopped at Audrey's grave. I don't feel as reflective anymore. I ask myself,"am I not dealing with this loss, or is this my new normal?" She crosses my mind frequently, but not with such a sting to my heart. Is this called healing or just a break from my grief? Well, no matter...I'll take it. Sometimes I feel guilty for a second for being so busy that I don't just sit and stare at the wall and think of her like I did not very long ago. I answered my own question today when I thought I should write a post. I am not dealing. I've been avoiding sitting down and getting quiet enough to hear my heart (here come the tears). I find it is just easier to deny the pain that is trying to escape me when I see anything at all to do with pregnancy or babies or even children. Well, there it is. That's where I'm at. Busy enough to deny my pain. I think it's time to start planning the remembrance walk that has been rolling around in my brain for months now. I think it will be a good way to bring baby loss mamas in our community together to remember their little ones.It will keep me busy but in touch with our loss. And in four days my career as an underwhelmed/overworked store manager will be over and I will have time to do so.

P.S. Can any of you fellow bloggers help me...I can't figure out why when I hit the bold button appears instead of bold type. I have tried this on my home computer and my laptop and it seems to be the actual blogger. It's amazing that I even have a blog because I am not technically inclined!