Thursday, May 13, 2010

Depression

I am struggling right now. Every commercial I see about anti-depressants totally hits home. Depression hurts everywhere. I can't smile it hurts. I don't have tears anymore. I don't have the energy for anger. I'm just here hanging on by a thread. Partly, I feel guilty, I mean, I should be thankful for all that God has blessed me with and I am. It's just plain hard right now. I just sit here overwhelmed by everyday choices. I ask myself, "should I start a load of laundry or read my bible or watch t.v.?" and I end up laying on the couch watching my dog sleep-and this can go on for hours, as I end up falling asleep then waking up and staring at the dog until I absolutely have to get up because one of us has to go to the bathroom. Where does all my time go? I waste so much of it these days. I can't seem to find the motivation to anything unless I HAVE to. I feel washed under ... under a gigantic wave of sorrow that I can't seem to fight enough to come up for air.
For about the last month I started to wonder if it's time to call in the professionals.

At my doctor appointment Monday the nurse asked me to fill out a questionnaire to determine whether or not I could possibly be experiencing depression. She explained that more studies are showing that postpartum depression doesn't begin after giving birth but that it sometimes starts during pregnancy, and it is a routine this office now practices. While my eyes were welling up I said, "I am still so deeply grieved over my loss that I will probably score depressed." Her response was, "Yes, I am sure you are, and we want to make sure you have someone to talk to if that is what you need." I was so scared I might be told to just be happy because I have another on the way. Phew, I don't have to feel guilty anymore. It's okay to be depressed, I'll get through it one day.

Sure enough, I scored high and I am being referred to a counselor. Praise the Lord. I am looking forward to having a time set aside where I can speak freely about Audrey and all the disappointment I feel.

I have more hope already, I've seen counselors in the past and they have helped tremendously.

6 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Michelle. I am glad you're going to a counselor. I am hopeful with you, and will be praying that they can help you as you grieve and prepare for this little one on the way.

    xx

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  2. I see a therapist Michelle, and it helps tremendously!! it may help with your anxiety with rainbow too!! GOod luck...this is a good direction for you

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  3. Ride this thing out and let God shine his light just at the right time.

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  4. Good for you for taking a step in a positive direction, Michelle. Of course you are sad... and you have every right to be. Just because your Rainbow is on his/her way doesn't mean that everything should be sunshine and roses... remember, a Rainbow cannot appear without the rain! (Cheesy but true!) I am sure it will do you wonders to talk openly to someone about Audrey and remember we are all here whenever you need!

    Sending you lots of love.

    xo

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  5. I'm so sorry, Michelle. I am praying for you. xxx

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  6. Oh Michelle, I've been there. My depression started during my first pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage. Needless to say, it kept on, and I was on medication but not seeing a counselor. Then my second pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and I've been not in a good place. At my two-week follow-up, the nurse gave me the same depression questionnaire, and I laughed at her. SERIOUSLY?! What kind of answers were they expecting? My BABY just DIED. But I started seing a counselor, and that has been good. In the last month or so, I decided that wasn't enough, and sought out a psychiatrist. Now, I'm finally having energy and motivation to get up off the couch.

    I hope you continue to feel better, though who knows exactly what better looks like. I do hope that you see more light than darkness.

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