Thursday, May 13, 2010


I am struggling right now. Every commercial I see about anti-depressants totally hits home. Depression hurts everywhere. I can't smile it hurts. I don't have tears anymore. I don't have the energy for anger. I'm just here hanging on by a thread. Partly, I feel guilty, I mean, I should be thankful for all that God has blessed me with and I am. It's just plain hard right now. I just sit here overwhelmed by everyday choices. I ask myself, "should I start a load of laundry or read my bible or watch t.v.?" and I end up laying on the couch watching my dog sleep-and this can go on for hours, as I end up falling asleep then waking up and staring at the dog until I absolutely have to get up because one of us has to go to the bathroom. Where does all my time go? I waste so much of it these days. I can't seem to find the motivation to anything unless I HAVE to. I feel washed under ... under a gigantic wave of sorrow that I can't seem to fight enough to come up for air.
For about the last month I started to wonder if it's time to call in the professionals.

At my doctor appointment Monday the nurse asked me to fill out a questionnaire to determine whether or not I could possibly be experiencing depression. She explained that more studies are showing that postpartum depression doesn't begin after giving birth but that it sometimes starts during pregnancy, and it is a routine this office now practices. While my eyes were welling up I said, "I am still so deeply grieved over my loss that I will probably score depressed." Her response was, "Yes, I am sure you are, and we want to make sure you have someone to talk to if that is what you need." I was so scared I might be told to just be happy because I have another on the way. Phew, I don't have to feel guilty anymore. It's okay to be depressed, I'll get through it one day.

Sure enough, I scored high and I am being referred to a counselor. Praise the Lord. I am looking forward to having a time set aside where I can speak freely about Audrey and all the disappointment I feel.

I have more hope already, I've seen counselors in the past and they have helped tremendously.


  1. I'm so sorry Michelle. I am glad you're going to a counselor. I am hopeful with you, and will be praying that they can help you as you grieve and prepare for this little one on the way.


  2. I see a therapist Michelle, and it helps tremendously!! it may help with your anxiety with rainbow too!! GOod luck...this is a good direction for you

  3. Ride this thing out and let God shine his light just at the right time.

  4. Good for you for taking a step in a positive direction, Michelle. Of course you are sad... and you have every right to be. Just because your Rainbow is on his/her way doesn't mean that everything should be sunshine and roses... remember, a Rainbow cannot appear without the rain! (Cheesy but true!) I am sure it will do you wonders to talk openly to someone about Audrey and remember we are all here whenever you need!

    Sending you lots of love.


  5. I'm so sorry, Michelle. I am praying for you. xxx

  6. Oh Michelle, I've been there. My depression started during my first pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage. Needless to say, it kept on, and I was on medication but not seeing a counselor. Then my second pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and I've been not in a good place. At my two-week follow-up, the nurse gave me the same depression questionnaire, and I laughed at her. SERIOUSLY?! What kind of answers were they expecting? My BABY just DIED. But I started seing a counselor, and that has been good. In the last month or so, I decided that wasn't enough, and sought out a psychiatrist. Now, I'm finally having energy and motivation to get up off the couch.

    I hope you continue to feel better, though who knows exactly what better looks like. I do hope that you see more light than darkness.