Friday, May 21, 2010

My everyday life "stuff"

Oh where to begin?... Well my first counseling appointment was yesterday. I'll be totally honest I think my therapist is fresh out of college and my first thought was "Great, what does she know about life at 22ish?" Don't get me wrong, I know she is qualified to do her job and a good therapist doesn't counsel based on their own life experiences; however I guess I feel as though she may only have a textbook answer or response for me. Ah well, I'll give her a chance, hopefully she'll surprise me. Today she just gathered information from me and next week will probably get intense.

On a positive note I had one good day this week. I planted my garden....pumpkins, carrots, spinach, mixed greens, peas, beans, beets, and more. Now I just have to go buy some tomato and pepper plants. I hope to learn how to can salsa and pasta sauces. I have two aunts who can teach me. Hopefully, I will have the motivation when the veggies are ready.

I'm working on a couple of paintings that I haven't touched in over a month, I was inspired to do a handful of them, started a few but now I struggle to finish...I find myself extremely frustrated by this!

My business is slow, as I don't have a huge clientele to keep me consistently busy. I work very part time. There are things I could be doing to advertise and network but I've lost my passion for this this I am also frustrated. I could go get another part time job but the thought of learning one more thing right now overwhelms me to no end.

Who the hell am I??? What do I want???

There is a mountain between Jamie and I emotionally. His life has returned to it's exact same routine-it did months ago. My whole life is upside down right now and I watch him drink his orange juice every morning, leave at the same time, come home at the same time. He talks to the same friends about the same old things. He went right back to the way things were. Maybe this is good for me, he's the only thing that hasn't changed in my world. But most days that frustrates me too. He no longer asks me if I'm okay because clearly I am not, so why ask only to hear the same things over and over again. I just wish I really felt like we are in this "grief work" together but I don't.

A long time friend is really being selfish by making everything about her and her problems. She's had a rough couple of years which I have "been there" through. Even after Audrey died I have put my pain aside to hear her woes. , which I genuinely care about.When I've been tempted to minimize the things she's going through (in my head) I refrain by telling myself, " just because she hasn't lost a child doesn't mean she doesn't have her cross to bear too." Something dawned on me yesterday as I told my therapist about the people in my life I draw support from. I have stopped talking about Audrey with her and there has been this underlying irritation I couldn't articulate until now. Everything she has lost she can get back!! They are material things, geographic locations, health, friendships. Those are all attainable. I can NEVER have Audrey back in this life!!!! Now that I think about it she has gotten worse since I lost Audrey. The only way I can put it is this, it's like she is competing with me on who's life sucks more. It is so stupid.. I am avoiding her phone call as I type this -how ironic. I don't even know what I will say to her when I do speak to her. I would like to tell her to get over it and get on with life. Those are the things you can get over! I'm tired, I can't "be there" for her anymore. I need to be selfish right now.

Phew, I tend to censor things I write for fear of who might be reading anonymously but today I just don't care. This is my space and I'll write what I want to.

Tomorrow is my cousin's graduation party where 3 baby girls will be. These are two of the same I mentioned were born just after Audrey who I tortured myself seeing at Thanksgiving. Well, last week the third baby girl was born. I told my aunt I would be at the grad party last week over facebook. Today I decided there is no way I am prepared to see those precious little ones being ooohed and aahhed over. So, the card will go in the mail. My aunt will get a "Sorry I decided I can't make it because I'm not ready to see your third granddaughter yet" over facebook. That may not be acceptable but again, toady I don't care.

I just discovered something. I've been too concerned about the relationships in my life. Wanting them not to change because I have, that I've censored myself a lot. For example I didn't go to a birthday party for the same reason I'm not attending the graduation party and I didn't give a reason. Why do I feel like I can't be honest and say I can't see babies right now! From now on I will. Maybe that is why I am depressed, I don't shout it from the roof tops that I am insanely hurt! I've been hiding away not wanting anyone to see me this way (unrecognizable to myself) but now I don't care- see me- love me or leave me, understand me or judge me, this is just the way I am.

I've been mad at the world this week and somethings got to give.

"If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best."


  1. that quote you put at the bottom of your post just spurred me to write an email to my "friend" who completely ditched me after Aquila was born. thank you for this post today and hugs to you

  2. I love how you ended this!! YOU need to fix you now.....people will just have to understand, and some may and some may not OH WELL...they will my post from the other day

    it will give some courage to own your loss and yur feelings....i also have someone in my life who continues to go back and forth with which problem is worse...and i had it i really have...i feel bad as i know she reaches out to see if im ok, then quickly becomes about her and her awful life blah blah blah..i buried my baby you dont get more awful than that..unless you have done it more than once...and even still each pain is have to take care of your mind for your husband...i can imagine your frustrations..maybe you can set a time where talking freely about your feelings with each other is ok..i have heard women in the group say sometimes the men just feel like "they hear it too much" although its insensitive to us, it can be the truth..hope you enjoy therapy and even if you feel she is young, you can always get someone else...going is the first step to trying to heal yourself..xoxo

  3. If there is ever an appropriate time in life to be selfish, I think the time after losing a child is one of them. I have found that it feels good to stop caring about what others think and just be myself. If people are unable to accept this
    "new me", then I don't have a place for them in my life anymore. Don't hold in your feelings, just let it out and feel the weight lifted from your shoulders!!

  4. (((HUGS))) I get it ~ so many things in your post today hit home with me. Art, business, grieving like you are on different planets with your spouse. I am sorry that you are here.