Audrey's in the details

April 2, 2011 A rose for Audrey

* Hi friends. I just found this in my drafts. I thought I posted this April 4th.

Days like yesterday are just the kind that really make me think of her. Wonder what she would look like now and what I would have her wear? My brother got married and with that comes family photos. From time to time I wondered how we would include Audrey. Early on in my blog journey  I decided that pink roses are kind of her thing. Only Jamie knew of my idea to have a pink rose to represent her in our future family photos. One of my tasks as a bridesmaid was to arrange some flowers to be used as a background for the ceremony. Some happened to be roses and pink roses. Perfect. I decided that would work very well,( I wouldn't need to go buy one on the way) I could discreetly pull one out of a vase and hold it -especially since I was the person who arranged them that's justified right?-use it for our portion of family pics then return it. And so I did. I told my mom I planned to do this, but no one else. As I stepped off the stage I laid the flower at my neieces' feet as they were taking pictures of just the grand kids. My sister in law bride caught a glimpse of this and said with tears welling up in her eyes, "I know what that's about and I love it." Surprised by this and tears welling I said "For Audrey." She said, "That's what all those flowers are for, hence the term memory flowers, and I had a specific rose in mind for her, one that is a little more delicate pink and perfect." I had no idea that the flowers I was arranging were to represent loved ones lost.I hadn't hear them referred to as memory flowers. What a gift. And to think, she didn't even know at the time what pink roses mean to me- or so I thought. It is because of my brother that I ever chose pink roses as our thing to remember her by, it's because he brought me 2 dozen of them when I was admitted to the hospital before she was born (the only time I had ever been given 2 dozen roses!). And naturally they became her funeral flower, the ones people sent and the donated casket spray that I had no part in choosing. Sister in law bride also said "And we brought 2 dozen roses again when Naomi was born, on purpose."  I had been wondering about that. It meant so much to me and I figured that was our little gift from God, but had no idea it was intentional. And as if she didn't have enough going on during her wedding day, she tracked my down just before we said our goodbyes and gave me perfect pink rose she chose for Audrey. I am so glad we just received such a caring and into-the-details kind of woman to our family!

More like me

I'm not only recognizing the person in the mirror, I'm accepting her. Me.The person I was meets the person I have become. They are integrating, merging. Some things about me really have not changed, I just lost them for a time. Like my sense of humor for instance, I thought it was gone forever. I take things so seriously- I have always been rather intense- but wow grief really has a way of making a person, well for lack of a better word, grave. But I'm loosening up again, joking around.Laughing at the same things I used to, by the way I find nothing funnier than a man hurting himself- it's sick and twisted- I know, but it gets me every time.

And there's my appearance. Even though I am in the beauty industry, which can be so vain and so overly focused on society's standard of beautiful, and outward appearance, I embrace nature. I embrace those who wish to remain plainly in the skin they're in- I mean without makeup. Or with a hairstyle that has minimal upkeep. I see beauty in every individual. Individuality is beautiful to me. We are forms of art. Oh yeah, about my appearance. So, I let my hair grow long. I haven't colored it in-well, I can't remember how long. I've had un-painted toe nails more often than not in the last 15 months. I've gone out of the house without makeup too many times to count... Stayed in my pajamas numerous days and numerous days in a row... Binged on sugar creating an ass I never imagined would belong to me... I think you get the point. I've been here before- I mean depressed enough to 'let myself go.' I recognized that girl in the mirror all along. I didn't even care that I may have lost the girl who valued herself enough to take time to apply the very thing she was passionate about, makeup.Then one day, I cared again, hoped to find her again. And I did. It's not for anyone else. It's not because I have to, but I feel like getting up in the morning and putting on makeup and doing something with my hair.

Most importantly, there's my faith. Was it shaken? Sure. Did I give God the silent treatment? You bet I did. Did I walk away from 'the faith'? No way, to me faith is a gift that cannot be returned. Most of all I've questioned my theology. For awhile I didn't know what to say about God  because maybe I was wrong about Him all these years. And when I say that I don't mean His deity, or His love for us, but His motives. I used to believe there was a lesson in everything. I would say about another's situation- or even some of my own "            happened because I needed to learn                 ." Or,..... well, I'll get into that maybe in a later post. My point is this. If you were wondering where I stand it's still next to the Lord. I come here and drop off the darkness so it doesn't swallow me whole. Like I wrote in the side bar "About Me", this is my journal, where I get support from those who 'get it'. So if you don't find me here it's because I'm having better days.
As I mentioned back in August- I believe- I participated in a bible study Anchored By Hope. I will be going back through my journal ( yes, I have a hand written one as well, I don't put everything on the web) I will post on some of the key points that have brought me hope and healing.

I'm glad to say I'm feeling more like myself these days. It doesn't mean I'm not familiar with the pain anymore cause it's just under the surface, but I can recognize myself again. I even kind of like her.

100th Post Winner

Good morning ladies!

Using random.org...Melissa you were drawn as the lucky winner! I hope it is perfect for some of Amelia's things.Leave me a comment with your address ( I won't publish it, but delete it) and I'll get it in the mail to you.

Once again thank you all for reading my blog and offering love and support! I'll be back soon.

100th Post!

Were you wondering where I've been? Well, I was trying to come up with something cool for my 100th post.  Many of you have done fun things to commemorate your 100th posts, I have to too ya know. I racked my brain til I couldn't rack it anymore and what I came up with is a giveaway. I am going to give one lucky winner a little something handmade by yours truly.A little something to say thank you for reading and praying and encouraging me along the way. It's pretty simple really but I like it enough that I will have a hard time saying goodbye when I send it off to one of you. I may need to make one for myself...

It's a little keepsake box, the perfect size for pictures or jewelry or anything your heart desires.

If you would like to be entered to win, just leave me a comment telling how you would use this box. I'll be back Monday morning (28th) to do the drawing!

xoxo

Miscellaneous

I've been at a loss...what to say?
Christmas sucked
New Years too
I haven't went to her grave since October
I feel guilty
I cry in the car sometimes
It still hurts
I get really angry
It takes me a long time to figure out why
I'm distracted
She's a big sister now
That hurts too
Sometimes I say her name in my head
I'm not the only one
I should be happier
I don't give a damn
I forget to ask Him for help
When I do I usually get what I need
I haven't forgotten
I never will
Do I know her better now?
I see her all the time
People say her name too
That makes me happy
They share the same day
I never knew it would be so hard
Maybe next year
Maybe next year

A tiny house guest

I signed up for a visit from Patches the bear, a cute tiny little bear who has traveled to many baby loss families...we had the pleasure of being one of them last week. Here are some pictures and highlights of his time spent here.

Patches with Audrey's hospital blanket and bracelet along with the rose that hung on our door.

This puppy is the one gift we were given by a dear friend when we lost our first baby to early miscarriage.

Audrey's hand and foot print

This lovely garden ornament was a gift from our funeral home and made by a local artist.

Patches hanging on the wall with Audrey's pictures

 Watching me work from my makeup case (messy case at that).



And lastly....there is a rainbow on the horizon......



Thanks for the visit Patches!



If you would like to sign up for a visit, go to Patches button on my sidebar and get added to the list.



Today

Today my grief feels so raw again. It's a rainy morning, I'm gripped with longing, longing to hold Audrey. I am struck with grief over what our marriage could have been at this point had we not lost her. Today I am pissed off that I didn't get to give birth to Audrey, but that she was surgically taken from my womb. I will never be the same again. I feel so ruined.
Today I have so much to accomplish, a hard working weekend ahead of me.  I feel like I just lost her yesterday. The demands of today seem too much to handle. I haven't cried in, well I can't remember how long, but now that the flood gates have opened I can't seem to stop.

Grace, oh how I need grace.