Tuesday, January 4, 2011


I've been at a loss...what to say?
Christmas sucked
New Years too
I haven't went to her grave since October
I feel guilty
I cry in the car sometimes
It still hurts
I get really angry
It takes me a long time to figure out why
I'm distracted
She's a big sister now
That hurts too
Sometimes I say her name in my head
I'm not the only one
I should be happier
I don't give a damn
I forget to ask Him for help
When I do I usually get what I need
I haven't forgotten
I never will
Do I know her better now?
I see her all the time
People say her name too
That makes me happy
They share the same day
I never knew it would be so hard
Maybe next year
Maybe next year


  1. Oh, hun...this post is beautiful. And so real... It makes me hurt for you. I'm sorry, Michelle. Please know I'm thinking of you always. ((Hugs))

  2. (((hugs))) no words, just thinking of you too

  3. x <3 o

    Thank you for your honesty, Michelle. As my due date approaches, my anxiety rises as to how I will feel once my Rainbow is here.

    I hope that as the new year progresses you find a little more peace and comfort and a little less guilt and anger.

    Love to you.

  4. wow. yes. i feel you. hugs <3

  5. {{hugs}} thank you for your honesty. I pray the guilt falls away and that the anger lessens... But only in your own time.

  6. Oh my heart just breaks for your brokenness, for the hole in your heart where Audrey's love lives. Your blog is painfully beautiful. It speaks volumes of realness. I seek out realness in people, seeing under the surface of the facades we tend to put up. What else is life if we can't be who we really are underneath this skin we walk around in? What else is there if we can't show our pain, our hurts, our brokeness even if just to catch a glimpse of love from another walking skin? If we can't see His love through the pain in oursleves and others. He never meant for us to do this life alone. Community is His gift. I'm so glad you found community in blog land. I pray you find community IRL where the skin can also feel the love of others. Where the body and soul can be together loved. I've not been where you are, yet I break with you, I tear for you and I long for the day I see you in Heaven hugging your Audrey in whatever form we've taken on in the presence of Christ our Lord. Thank you for sharing your story, Audrey's story so that we may know her too.

  7. I lost baby Nanzala last November,i had gone in for an NT scan to see if baby had any down's syndrome. The sonar technician kept measuring over and over again and before he could say it, i had this sick feeling. The baby has no heartbeat, no blood flowing anyway...what?this cant be true, i was in a daze waiting to see the doctor. My partner and i had split so it was just me and baby all along and now just me..i thought i knew pain untill that day, when my whole world stopped and although the world kept moving,i will never be the same person i was before my baby...me writting on this blog means i got out of bed today, it means i had the courage to get up, its been 4 months but still the pain is still there, still mocking, i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of being in pain, i want to be happy. I cant belive that heartbeat that held so much promise is gone, departed just like that. Those little arms and legs, i will never get to hold or kiss....when will the nightmare end