Saturday, March 12, 2011

More like me

I'm not only recognizing the person in the mirror, I'm accepting her. Me.The person I was meets the person I have become. They are integrating, merging. Some things about me really have not changed, I just lost them for a time. Like my sense of humor for instance, I thought it was gone forever. I take things so seriously- I have always been rather intense- but wow grief really has a way of making a person, well for lack of a better word, grave. But I'm loosening up again, joking around.Laughing at the same things I used to, by the way I find nothing funnier than a man hurting himself- it's sick and twisted- I know, but it gets me every time.

And there's my appearance. Even though I am in the beauty industry, which can be so vain and so overly focused on society's standard of beautiful, and outward appearance, I embrace nature. I embrace those who wish to remain plainly in the skin they're in- I mean without makeup. Or with a hairstyle that has minimal upkeep. I see beauty in every individual. Individuality is beautiful to me. We are forms of art. Oh yeah, about my appearance. So, I let my hair grow long. I haven't colored it in-well, I can't remember how long. I've had un-painted toe nails more often than not in the last 15 months. I've gone out of the house without makeup too many times to count... Stayed in my pajamas numerous days and numerous days in a row... Binged on sugar creating an ass I never imagined would belong to me... I think you get the point. I've been here before- I mean depressed enough to 'let myself go.' I recognized that girl in the mirror all along. I didn't even care that I may have lost the girl who valued herself enough to take time to apply the very thing she was passionate about, makeup.Then one day, I cared again, hoped to find her again. And I did. It's not for anyone else. It's not because I have to, but I feel like getting up in the morning and putting on makeup and doing something with my hair.

Most importantly, there's my faith. Was it shaken? Sure. Did I give God the silent treatment? You bet I did. Did I walk away from 'the faith'? No way, to me faith is a gift that cannot be returned. Most of all I've questioned my theology. For awhile I didn't know what to say about God  because maybe I was wrong about Him all these years. And when I say that I don't mean His deity, or His love for us, but His motives. I used to believe there was a lesson in everything. I would say about another's situation- or even some of my own "            happened because I needed to learn                 ." Or,..... well, I'll get into that maybe in a later post. My point is this. If you were wondering where I stand it's still next to the Lord. I come here and drop off the darkness so it doesn't swallow me whole. Like I wrote in the side bar "About Me", this is my journal, where I get support from those who 'get it'. So if you don't find me here it's because I'm having better days.
As I mentioned back in August- I believe- I participated in a bible study Anchored By Hope. I will be going back through my journal ( yes, I have a hand written one as well, I don't put everything on the web) I will post on some of the key points that have brought me hope and healing.

I'm glad to say I'm feeling more like myself these days. It doesn't mean I'm not familiar with the pain anymore cause it's just under the surface, but I can recognize myself again. I even kind of like her.


  1. This is so honest and heartfelt Michelle. I'm glad to hear that you are recognizing yourself again - and "liking her". I should go back through me bible study journals too. It was such a help to me. HUGS!

  2. Beautiful post. And I like her too, whether on or under the surface. Realness is rare. And Is something I seek. Your real friend and it's beautiful.

  3. Michelle,
    This is such a wonderful post. I love what you wrote about faith, that it is a gift that cannot be returned. I understand what you wrote. My faith has been shaken, but I relize that my relationship with God is changing and growing.

  4. Sending hugs your way! This post brought a smile to my face! I love all that you said. And I totally understand what you are saying about the new thoughts on God's motives.
    Missing you!

  5. Such a beautiful blog. This is my first visit and I just went back to read Audrey's story! So well written and beautiful.