Saturday, September 11, 2010

My own September 11 tragedy

I really need to just speak freely here. I find it rather difficult to separate into two blog posts so often and today I just can't make that happen. My grief and joy are intertwined daily. So I guess what I'm saying is, if it's hard for you to read about subsequent pregnancy today's post is not one you'll want to read.
Triggers have been going off for me left and right these past few weeks. As seahorse gets bigger, kicks me harder and my belly grows two thoughts occur to me 1. It reminds me of the time I had with Audrey in the hospital after my water broke because without the fluid I could feel her every move. 2. I never made it this far with Audrey and it pains me to constantly compare these things. Every time I log onto Fbook and see all my cousin's babies I think of how I want seahorse to know them and be playmates, but I still feel the pain of how they are all around the age of Audrey. I guess I thought having a rainbow would be a little easier. I knew a rainbow would never replace her or make the pain go away. I just hoped that as time goes on the joy of a new baby would far outweigh the sorrow of losing one. Maybe it will one day. Right now though I feel ashamed when I curl up in a ball and cry so hard my abs hurt, this has to affect my seahorse. And I feel ashamed that days, even a week here and there have gone by that I think of Audrey but not with sorrow, jut like a fleeting moment of remembrance. I'm tired of the pain, I'd like to put it behind me. Not that I will EVER forget Audrey but that I'm not caught up in the tragedy of it so often. It's less often than before but sometimes it's jut like it was yesterday-that's what I wish would stop-being broadsided with it out of no where. I really can liken it to the twin towers coming down (or a natural disaster). Just like 9.11.01 Everyone remembers where they were that day. It changed everything. As much as has been cleaned up and restored, those towers will never again be. That part of the country will never be the same, all of America will never "get over it" we've just found a new way of living because of it. Years later there is no debris left just the emptiness of the space where those buildings once stood, the memories of the lives that were tragically lost, and the sacrifices so many made to pitch in and help rescue those trapped by it. I feel like that in my baby loss world. I'm looking at my life in pieces scattered all over the ground, just as I feel like I'm making headway on putting it back together I become overwhelmed and tired of being strong so I fall in the pile of rubble. It will probably take years to see no signs of destruction but I want it to be now. I'm weary from cleaning up this mess. Thank God I have this community to help, to encourage, to chip in and rescue. But we're all weary at times and sad because each of us has to do the same in our own lives. Where is the rest of the world...those who are stronger, who aren't weary from having lost a child? Most hustle and bustle through their own lives....we who are grief stricken have no direct effect on them, so why stop and help out? Don't get me wrong I have a few really awesome people in real life who are willing to share the burden of my tragedy. I speak of society in general here.
I just wish there were less debris hanging around, yet it keeps me feeling connected to Audrey. Like the hospital bills for instance, we are only just beginning to pay for her doctor and NICU bills (took them all long enough to figure out what insurance wanted to pay) and I continue to pay for my hospital stay. And by the way my husband's insurance wouldn't cover anything because she didn't leave the hospital alive...yeah we might have been able to fight that but can't afford a lawyer or the emotional toll. And now the new baby bills (the high tech ultrasounds) are coming in and money is getting really tight. The driven person I once was would be really resourceful and go out there and get more clients and work really hard to pay the bills. But, this is the mess I describe, ME-I'm the mess. I can't bring myself to that driven place- I just can't find it in me. Again, feeling ashamed, I have a baby on the way to take care of! Money isn't going to magically fall into my lap! I'm full of the knowledge of how to succeed and I can sit and come up with great ideas, but it stops there. In fact I remember comig up with all these marketing goals and my business plan while pregnant with Audrey. I would be with her during the day and work in the salon every night and on Saturdays. My business would be booming in no time. Well she died and as much as I tried to keep my career plan alive it died a little too. I'm not following that plan now. I did one big event. I'm not busy every week let alone close to being busy every night. I wanted to do more for Audrey it seems. I feel like I'm cheating my rainbow by not being everything I can be because I'm knee deep in Audrey sorrow. Not so much active -crying -my eyes -out- sorrow, but an invisible force that weighs heavy on me even as I go about everyday tasks- just getting by.
I need a new counselor, but even that journey sounds exhausting...finding a new one that is. I've been ashamed to admit that I may have PTSD. We discussed it a bit and she has no experience with it so she couldn't make a clear diagnosis. I've had past trauma, and those are the vivid reoccurring memories that have evidently been triggered by losing Audrey. Often I find myself alone in my search to find answers and direction as to how to overcome or get through whatever I am labeled as. Most of the time I don't care about the proper label just that I find healing.

More than fearing something bad will happen and cause me to lose this baby, I fear I am screwing her up when I have such bad days. I just pray and pray that God will protect her from my emotional turmoil and I try to lay it all at his feet so I'm not thinking or crying or fretting too much. But, I have my weak days when I fall apart and can't seem to leave it in His hands and trust Him to heal my brokenness.
Sorry this is soooo loooong. I really needed to get some of this out and I probably should have done it over the course of a few posts. You're probably wondering about the pictures. I thought I would do something visual to show how my world looks to me. The first you probably recognize, me in pieces. The second is a picture of Jamie and I and the third is really hard to make out- I think- is my salon. Interesting how they turned out. I randomly cut them, threw them on the table and scrunched them together. I find it most interesting that the picture of me and Jamie and I are at least recognizable, which are the most important. The salon- well it's hardly easy to make out the floor from the ceiling, hmmm.
Thanks to all who stuck with me through this entire post.


  1. My heart aches for you. Grief and pregnancy after loss can bring on so many different emotions and they all tend to intermingle together. Wishing you some peace... xo

  2. I am so sorry that you are having a tough day. Please don't think that you are screwing up your pregnancy by being so down. Just remember to take care of your health and don't forget to eat and drink (I do that when I am sad but maybe that is just me)and the baby will be okay. **hugs** to you! I hope your day or at least the ones to follow are a bit (if not a ton) better than today! <3

  3. Thinking about you and remembering Audrey today... Hugs to you, Michelle. I am hoping that today and the days ahead bring you some peace.

  4. So many stresses and pressures... :( I just want to wrap you up in a giant hug. <3

  5. Michelle i wish i could manage to figure out HOW to get in this computer and HUG HUG HUG you right now....I have been thinking of you all week..what you must have gone through, the emotions, the feelings, the can you NOT be sad?? Today is a tragedy to you and to me and all of us who love you and think of you everyday. I want to say "No you are not affecting seahorse" but what do i know? I do know there are PLENTY of people who cry their whole pregnancy, and although its not for our reasons, they still do...and those babies are fine. Seahorse loves you and is going to miss Audrey WITH you too...cut yourself some slack, you are going through the BIGGEST milestone in my eyes of the loss of your child...all the 'firsts' are passing and you will experience lots of emotions as you do it with your rainbow. I know its hard and I just pray for you. I would NOT be surprised if you do have PTSD I have it and we basically experience a lot of the same things...My psychiatrist says Meds help (i wont do it) and i have done tons of research on what helps...I think a labotomy would be magical cause no matter what i try to do to cure it, the memories of those awful days are still there...nothing will lesson the you girl!!

  6. (((Hugs))) I will be praying for you in the days and weeks to come. You are right in that a rainbow doesn't make the pain easier and in many ways makes the journey harder for a time. You realize what you missed before.

  7. I feel like you could have taken the words out of my mouth when you compare the loss of our babies to 9/11. The world goes on but we will never be the same. No matter how much time goes by, we are forever changed. Our perspective is forever changed.

    I am so sorry that you are having some rough days with your lil seahorse....she understands. Her mommy has endured what no mommy should ever have to. You will tell her about her big sister in Heaven one day. I think every mom pregnant with a rainbow baby has these moments and I feel like it is normal to be sad and scared. I know I would be.

    Sometimes I think I have PTSD too. What we have been through is very traumatic. I fear that I will always remember Harper's birth like it was yesterday. Somedays I am ok with that, I want to remember and other days it hurts too much and I would rather forget. I haven't sought out professional help but somedays I think I need to. I hope that you can find someone to help you heal. I am thinking of you.

  8. I can relate to so many of the feeling you are experiencing right now. With Claire's one year birth date coming up I too am a mess. There was so much I wanted to accomplish in this first year as far as helping others and organizing events, supporting the hospital, reaching out to others etc. and I just find that I don't have it in me and it makes me even more upset because I know how much a little help can go a long way.

    And on top of it all, I never made it this far in my pregnancy with Claire either and I cannot help but mourn that all of the time and find it difficult to really let myself get excited about Cinco and this too makes me sad as I know this babe will be my last and I want to feel joy.

    I hope your days get a little easier and a little brighter. Thinking of you Michelle. xo

  9. Your comparison to 9/11 is so true, we will never be the same again after losing our babies.

    I'm sure what you are going through with your new pregnancy is difficult, but I think the feelings you are experiencing are only normal after losing Audrey. I pray that seahorse will know how much you love her.

    I was on the bible study call with you tonight...thought I recognized your name and Audrey's when you introduced yourself. =)

  10. I am so sorry for your loss, but you will make it through this pregnancy! I did, and I am totally neurotic :) If it makes you feel any better, I had all anxiety, grief, and preterm labor drugs in the world during pregnancy, and so far, my 11 month old seems okay :) I am at Hope you are having better days! I love how your blog is decorated... how do you do that?