Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Just keepin' it real again

So often I come here and have a plan as to what I'm going to write. Many times I think about it days before I get here to put it in writing. I like to collect my thoughts and put them into a theme, organize the chaos, make it all sort of make sense. I've been at a loss again lately as to what to say. It's September. The month that forever changed me last year. I have nothing organized or collected. My thoughts and emotions are all over. I just simply hurt. I'm gonna just drop it all off here, bare with me.
Some days it feels like the bandage on the wound of my soul is containing the hemorrhage. The last few days I feel like I'm getting blood everywhere. I'm angry. I feel alone. I feel rejected. I hate myself for so many reasons. I'm sick of being a wallflower. I've always been one to listen more than speak, desire to learn more than teach, give more than receive. Years ago I learned how to foster my self esteem (that which was robbed when I was abused). I worked to get it all back. Now, since I lost Audrey I'm back to feeling extremely insecure. It doesn't stop at feeling insecure as a mommy to the girl I lost but in all areas of my life. What happened to me?! I can't seem to get it together. If a client doesn't come back I feel horrible about myself. If I'm not included in someones plans my feelings are hurt. I'm jealous of people for various reasons (and not just the usual baby parents). I seem to be sitting frozen watching everyone else live while I merely survive. Even when I'm moving or involved I'm not fully there, totally engaged. Like I can't tear down the wall I built. Everything seems just within my reach but I can't have it. Like when you are trying to reach the pull switch to a light , you're on your tippy toes and you feel the string slipping through your fingers but can't get two fingers to grasp and pull. THAT is how I feel about my career, our finances, the emotional intimacy of our marriage, my friendships, my relationship with God, my relationship with myself. I am grasping but not reaching anything! I just wanna scream! These things are my fault. I mean I don't have the energy I used to to put into these things to reach my goals. That's where some of the hating myself comes in. How long? How long will I NOT have motivation to change? How long will this grief affect me this way? How long til I figure out who I am again? How long will I go un-noticed, un-appreciated? How long before I accomplish something I can be proud of? I feel like the only thing I'm good at now is dealing with death.
I wish I could just run away from it all! Go get a totally new life, just disappear, re-locate, change my name. I'd like to become someone new and surround myself with all new people. Well, that's exhausting! Never mind that. I almost deleted face book and my blogs two days ago, this is how crazy hurt and emotional I've been. I need my counselor back. We are on a call-in-30-days basis and I think I need to go see her instead. I feel crazy again.
Oh Audrey, I miss you so much.


  1. michelle I hadnt seen this yesterday......sounds like a lot of build up of the anticipating day *sigh* im so so sorry you have to go through this...I found at the 6 months mark that the days leading up to it were FAR WORSE than the day itself..I actually tried to imagine the pain of the year mark and it made me cry...just the for you the reality is expected to make you feel all of these things...its not fair, its JUST NOT FAIR for you or any of us to know this so so sorry...maybe a good therapy session, and a nice painted for audrey would make you feel here if you need me sweetie ((hugs))

  2. Michelle, I too have been feeling all over the place these last couple of days. October 1st is approaching and I am getting myself worked up already... I was the same when Claire's due date was approaching. I feel scattered and that my head is in the clouds and that there is so much around me that I should or could be doing but don't want to. I am more sensitive about absolutely everything and find myself on the verge of tears many. many. many times a day.

    Just as I thought things were getting "better".

    Thinking of you.

  3. Other than the reason (Audrey's year anniversary) I could have written most of that post.

    I feel so much like that. Like I've lost who I am and have no motivation to do enough about it to accomplish any change.

    I was literally laying on my bed an hour ago thinking... "I really thought I'd be in such a better place spiritually, personally and emotionally by 36. What the hell is wrong with me?"

    I feel like all I do is survive...

    Wish I had some great encouragement for you. But I send you my love.

  4. Two days ago my husband and I lost our baby girl ... she fought for 9 long month to be here with us but her heart wasnt strong enough . I feel everything you feel .. share the pain in your heart and wonder if I willever feel "ok" again . Thank you for your site ...

  5. You are not alone in what you feel, Michelle. Grief is messy, and it changes everything. May God give you the grace to work through each day. Hugs to you!