Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What I've been doing

It feels like a warm breeze has blown through my frozen bones allowing me to live again. I'm not just going through the motions, I have actually found the desire to do some things I enjoy. So, the grief isn't swallowing me up these days...I know that can change at any given moment, so for now I'll bask in the warmth of healing. I've found myself painting again, which I'll post two as soon as I get them finished, almost there. I completely made my bed Tuesday for the first time in months, I've been just throwing the covers up & over to cover the sheets - that's a "new normal" thing. I missed the pretty decorative pillows that have been living in the corner on the floor.
I'm watching less T.V.
I have kept up with laundry for the past few weeks- that's improvement
I'm spending time outside taking in the vitamin D.
I'm finding many things that make me smile outside and I am capturing them with my camera.
I decided to attend Compassionate Friends support groups every month. I went for the first time in February and didn't go back until June, Jamie went with me in June and I think it's a good idea to continue.
I'll be joining a book club when it starts, the midwife who was planning to deliver Audrey is starting one and it will be great to meet some new people-like minded people hopefully.
What really shocks me is my response to a neighbor's baby shower invitation. I actually feel like making her a gift, I may not attend the shower, or I may drop in for a short amount of time, but I am not overwhelmed with sorrow. I know that may change by next month, but I shocked myself.
I am not feeling guilty these days for going on with life. I think about Audrey many times throughout the day but I'm okay with NOT everything being all about her.
I've continued with counseling and it is really helping me.
I'm starting to forgive myself for failing. Not only failing to carry Audrey to full term, but also the ways I feel I've failed at life since we lost her.
I'm still hurting but it seems like there is more time in the day that I am healing than I am hurting.
I may be a mess tomorrow, but for today I will bask in the sunshine.


  1. <3 this is wonderful to read michelle xoxoxo.....keep up the good vibes!!

  2. Michelle, that is all wonderful news! (((HUGS)))

  3. I'm glad your step is lighter today! I hope you find that sunshine more days than fewer.

  4. YAY for good days, right?! :) Glad you are doing well!

  5. I am so happy to read this. I hope you continue to feel this way ((HUGS))

  6. Glad today is better!!! Enjoy that sunshine while it lasts. :)