Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Feeling Lame

I hate repeating myself. It's the same story, I miss Audrey, I think of her all the time. I feel lame because I don't have anything profound to say. It's getting hard to look at the picture of her I have as my screen saver and for that I feel a little guilty. I'm pondering what to change it to. I packed up the few things I have of hers a few days ago because I just can't look at them right now. Is this progress? I don't know but I'm not going to beat myself up for it. I think it's okay to feel guilty sometimes for finding happiness or moving forward. But I'm finding on the flip side that I don't need to feel guilty either. By putting her things away, in a tote to be stored away, I won't forget about her. I won't stop loving her. Sometimes it's just too much to hold on to. With her first birthday approaching I am overwhelmed at the thought of planning something for her. As I read about all the wonderful ways other BLMs honor their babies on the first birthday I can't seem to picture what I can do for Audrey. Over the months I've had many notions of what that day will bring, but as it gets closer I can't picture doing any of the things I once thought of. She's not here so what's the use? I know. It sounds terrible doesn't it? I mean it's not really for her anyway it's more for me. I imagine that everyday is like her birthday where she is, in heaven! I'm participating in the Day of Hope donation. Right now that is all I can think and muster energy to do. I feel that is pretty close to Audrey's birthday and I hope to continue each year. But is it enough? Maybe my feelings will change as it gets closer to those dreadful days of September. Right now all I can think of is the song "Wake me up when September ends". Beginning with Labor Day I'd like to go to sleep and not wake up til about the 30th. That will allow me to miss all the days in the hospital, right up to the funeral and a few extra days where I remember sitting home all alone wishing I had someone to take care of me while my husband went to work.


  1. I feel like I do that on my blog alot too. I write that I'm having a bad day, I feel sad, I miss Jacob, I cried today, I didn't sleep well last night. But that is our lives right now and these blogs are to help us and writing those things helps us.

    I used to look at pictures of Jacob everyday. I still look at his ultrasound picture everyday, which was done about a week or so before he died, but I don't look at his actual pictures every day and I feel guilty about that. Not that I don't picture him in my mind and think about him. I think about him every minute.

    I think it is OK not to feel guilty sometimes. We really can't live the rest of our lives feeling guilty and sad all the time. Our babies wouldn't want us to. I think I will always feel sadness in everything I do because Jacob should somehow be a part of it, but we'll just learn to live with it I think. The new normal we all talk about.

    I don't know what I will do for Jacob on his birthday either. It is 10 months away, but I don't know. Maybe light a candle, I'll definitely go to the garden where his ashes are buried. I feel like crying just thinking about how awful that day will be. A whole year without my baby. Unbelievable. I can't been it has almost been 2 months.

  2. "I think it's okay to feel guilty sometimes for finding happiness or moving forward. But I'm finding on the flip side that I don't need to feel guilty either. By putting her things away, in a tote to be stored away, I won't forget about her. I won't stop loving her. Sometimes it's just too much to hold on to."

    you say you feel lame for not having anything profound to say, but i found the quote above quite meaningful. this has been one of the hardest things for me lately - figuring out how to go about daily life in a "normal" way, allowing myself to be happy and enjoy things without feeling guilty for it. and the first time i realized i was having a good time without feeling guilty - i then felt guilty for not feeling guilty!!

    it's a ridiculous process, sometimes, isn't it? :)

  3. Michelle, you shouldn't feel lame b/c you don't have anything profound to say. Missing your daughter is hard enough, it hurts and sometimes there are no words except i miss you i wish you were here, i want you back where you belong. There are sometimes no words to describe what we feel and that's okay. You should not feel guilty for smilling at times or feeling happy or moving forward. None of these things mean you are forgetting her, it just may be what you need to help your heart heal as much as you can and i'm sure she's looking down on you wanting you to be happy. As far as her first birthday i'm going to tell you what a good friend told me. "do what you feel" . That day is about your angel and no one else whatever you feel in your heart to do is more than good enough, if you just want to spend the day remembering her then that is your right. I think you will find the right thing for you when the time comes. Sending you ((HUGS)). praying your strength and peace.

  4. I'm so sorry Michelle. I remember the screensaver fight with myself. I had Jenna's pic at one time too. And slowly little things just became really hard. Almost pulling me backwards instead of helping. Just do what you need to do, and don't feel guilt. Feeling guilty will happen, but when it does, it's like you said you won't stop loving her. Ever. It was really really hard to box up her things... hard days. Thinking of you friend.


  5. Thank you all so much for your kind words. I haven't cried in a long time and reading these responses did it... and I needed to. I just can't imagine how I would cope without all you ladies!

  6. Michelle, I feel the same way...every time I look at the ticker...flying the days by since holding Amelia, well I can't get over it. Most days lately, I don't want to remember ~ it is so hard. I even cannot bring myself to view the NILMDTS photos that just got here this week! Guilt ~ that is an understatement. I feel like I am denying that she was even hers by not looking at the disc.

    I don't cry every day anymore, but I do feel that build up of emotion. Pretty much any little thing can set me off. Yesterday, it was when my husband cut my daughter's hair (that is MY JOB!) and he totally butchered her bangs! I was so upset, I actually left the house for a couple of hours. Crying probably would have been healthier!

    I also am having a hard time with being pregnant now. I want so badly to feel happy and thrilled, but all I can muster is worry and fear. So, that pretty much makes me feel like the worst mother ever. I don't want to give this little life anything but joy ~ but I vividly remember the days (for 4 months) that I felt that all I ever gave Amelia were tears. I do think that the babies we carry get washed with the hormones that accompany our emotions to some small extent...and I feel so GUILTY that my babies are getting all the shitty emotions that I can bear. But that is my reality right now. I am trying to find a balance, painting helps, but I too cannot imagine celebrating Amelia's angelversary in a public way. I guess I am not there yet.