Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Audrey Hepburn

I think about Audrey all the time and especially when I drive past this when I go see my counselor. It won't be up much longer as it is only to cover the construction going on inside. Once the store is ready to open for business Audrey Hepburn comes down. I'll be sad when that day comes. I feel like that store and I have so much in common. I want to keep my Audrey visible to the world, all the while I am so ugly inside from all that is being remodeled in me. Audrey is much prettier than I. I'd like to believe that I too will emerge from this "remodel" a better version of me. The last time I saw my counselor she asked if I'd like to continue with my sessions since she thinks I am doing so well. I said, " I'm not ready to let go of you yet." Part of me thinks I am doing so well because I have to report back to her on the "assignments" she gives me. She keeps me accountable to live, like so many people take for granted, those whose lives have never crumbled beneath them. The other part of me thinks maybe- just maybe I've found my way of navigating through the muck of grief and in spite of it's attempt at dragging me down I've found a way to cry and be angry one minute and go put on a happy face the next -and mean it. I started seeing the counselor every week, then every two now we're at every three. I guess you could say I'm weaning myself. The saddest part is, I worry I might REALLY need her if I lose this rainbow too. So for now I hold on to her and she asks me all the right questions to uncover another layer of the new me.


  1. i can totally relate to this post. i want my kenny to be "visible to the world," and i hate that no one will ever get to meet him or hold him. i read your story on faces of loss. my water broke at 25 weeks, 2 days, and kenny's cord prolapsed almost immediately, so he was dead by the time i got to the hospital. i have wished so many times that his cord had not prolapsed but i know his chances still would not have been good. i don't know what would have been worse. good for you for "forcing" yourself to live. sometimes i surprise myself with how easy it can be to have a good time when not hours earlier i was a blubbering mess, thinking about kenny.

  2. (*hugs*) Keep going to the counselor, that sounds like a good decision right now. Hoping that you continue to grieve and heal. Thinking of you.