Feeling Lame

I hate repeating myself. It's the same story, I miss Audrey, I think of her all the time. I feel lame because I don't have anything profound to say. It's getting hard to look at the picture of her I have as my screen saver and for that I feel a little guilty. I'm pondering what to change it to. I packed up the few things I have of hers a few days ago because I just can't look at them right now. Is this progress? I don't know but I'm not going to beat myself up for it. I think it's okay to feel guilty sometimes for finding happiness or moving forward. But I'm finding on the flip side that I don't need to feel guilty either. By putting her things away, in a tote to be stored away, I won't forget about her. I won't stop loving her. Sometimes it's just too much to hold on to. With her first birthday approaching I am overwhelmed at the thought of planning something for her. As I read about all the wonderful ways other BLMs honor their babies on the first birthday I can't seem to picture what I can do for Audrey. Over the months I've had many notions of what that day will bring, but as it gets closer I can't picture doing any of the things I once thought of. She's not here so what's the use? I know. It sounds terrible doesn't it? I mean it's not really for her anyway it's more for me. I imagine that everyday is like her birthday where she is, in heaven! I'm participating in the Day of Hope donation. Right now that is all I can think and muster energy to do. I feel that is pretty close to Audrey's birthday and I hope to continue each year. But is it enough? Maybe my feelings will change as it gets closer to those dreadful days of September. Right now all I can think of is the song "Wake me up when September ends". Beginning with Labor Day I'd like to go to sleep and not wake up til about the 30th. That will allow me to miss all the days in the hospital, right up to the funeral and a few extra days where I remember sitting home all alone wishing I had someone to take care of me while my husband went to work.
Lame.

Audrey Hepburn

I think about Audrey all the time and especially when I drive past this when I go see my counselor. It won't be up much longer as it is only to cover the construction going on inside. Once the store is ready to open for business Audrey Hepburn comes down. I'll be sad when that day comes. I feel like that store and I have so much in common. I want to keep my Audrey visible to the world, all the while I am so ugly inside from all that is being remodeled in me. Audrey is much prettier than I. I'd like to believe that I too will emerge from this "remodel" a better version of me. The last time I saw my counselor she asked if I'd like to continue with my sessions since she thinks I am doing so well. I said, " I'm not ready to let go of you yet." Part of me thinks I am doing so well because I have to report back to her on the "assignments" she gives me. She keeps me accountable to live, like so many people take for granted, those whose lives have never crumbled beneath them. The other part of me thinks maybe- just maybe I've found my way....my way of navigating through the muck of grief and in spite of it's attempt at dragging me down I've found a way to cry and be angry one minute and go put on a happy face the next -and mean it. I started seeing the counselor every week, then every two now we're at every three. I guess you could say I'm weaning myself. The saddest part is, I worry I might REALLY need her if I lose this rainbow too. So for now I hold on to her and she asks me all the right questions to uncover another layer of the new me.

What I've been doing

It feels like a warm breeze has blown through my frozen bones allowing me to live again. I'm not just going through the motions, I have actually found the desire to do some things I enjoy. So, the grief isn't swallowing me up these days...I know that can change at any given moment, so for now I'll bask in the warmth of healing. I've found myself painting again, which I'll post two as soon as I get them finished, almost there. I completely made my bed Tuesday for the first time in months, I've been just throwing the covers up & over to cover the sheets - that's a "new normal" thing. I missed the pretty decorative pillows that have been living in the corner on the floor.
I'm watching less T.V.
I have kept up with laundry for the past few weeks- that's improvement
I'm spending time outside taking in the vitamin D.
I'm finding many things that make me smile outside and I am capturing them with my camera.
I decided to attend Compassionate Friends support groups every month. I went for the first time in February and didn't go back until June, Jamie went with me in June and I think it's a good idea to continue.
I'll be joining a book club when it starts, the midwife who was planning to deliver Audrey is starting one and it will be great to meet some new people-like minded people hopefully.
What really shocks me is my response to a neighbor's baby shower invitation. I actually feel like making her a gift, I may not attend the shower, or I may drop in for a short amount of time, but I am not overwhelmed with sorrow. I know that may change by next month, but I shocked myself.
I am not feeling guilty these days for going on with life. I think about Audrey many times throughout the day but I'm okay with NOT everything being all about her.
I've continued with counseling and it is really helping me.
I'm starting to forgive myself for failing. Not only failing to carry Audrey to full term, but also the ways I feel I've failed at life since we lost her.
I'm still hurting but it seems like there is more time in the day that I am healing than I am hurting.
I may be a mess tomorrow, but for today I will bask in the sunshine.

Why?

I can't help but wonder sometimes why we lost you. I've been over it every which way, I mean spiritually, philosophically,and medically or scientifically.

I hate this mystery. I hate that there is no diagnosis for the reason my water broke. I hate the word "fluke" that is so often used by doctors.

So, let's say my cervix isn't weak...

Was it the stress hormones (due to my job) coursing through my veins that "compromised my immune system?"

Was it the chemicals in the exterminators so-called-safe formula that brought on pre-term labor 4 days after he sprayed?

Was it because I got pregnant so soon after the miscarriage that my uterus needed a break after 24 weeks?

Was it due to the coffee I drank at grandma's funeral 4 days before?

Was there too much fluid...it had been 4 weeks since the last ultrasound, did my body produce too much fluid that caused the pressure and snapped?

Do I still have some bizarre condition that no one has detected yet that makes my uterus hit the eject button?

Did I eat something I shouldn't have unknowingly and if I did, how did that cause my water to break without the signs of infection?


I miss you every day baby girl.