I'm Moving

This is how my therapist puts it. She showed me a picture of a tornado and along the outside of the drawing it lists what is otherwise known as stages of grief. Grief is kind of like a tornado in that it tosses us around from one "stage" to another with no particular pattern or time frame.

I was stuck for the last few months in depression, I was at a stand still, just stuck. Now I am moving again and it doesn't matter if I revisit a "stage" or go on to a new one so long as I am moving. One day the tornado will spit me out- that I look forward to. I think Ms. Therapist is gonna work out. She asks me the right questions, which lead me to answer my own dilemma just by thinking about how to answer her. She helped me put into words what I need.

I started my own project. I decided to evaluate the relationships in my life, those who have made themselves available to me I will ask for the support I need. Those who have dismissed me and made reference to "getting together when I feel better" I will not pursue friendship with any longer. And, I will seek out new friendships. This has been a long time coming.

My homework from Ms. Therapist is to start Audrey's scrapbook and finish one of my paintings by next week's session. We came up with this assignment together. She suggested I focus on the things I can physically put into action instead of my thoughts and feelings (not to ignore them but to set them aside) for a few hrs. to accomplish something I would otherwise like to do. Seems simple enough really. Changing our own thoughts and feelings is sometimes impossible.

Lord, forgive me for not accepting your grace, you can change the way I think and the way I feel.

I thought I would share what my space looks like once I get inspired and dig in. What does this resemble to you? A tornado maybe?

My everyday life "stuff"

Oh where to begin?... Well my first counseling appointment was yesterday. I'll be totally honest I think my therapist is fresh out of college and my first thought was "Great, what does she know about life at 22ish?" Don't get me wrong, I know she is qualified to do her job and a good therapist doesn't counsel based on their own life experiences; however I guess I feel as though she may only have a textbook answer or response for me. Ah well, I'll give her a chance, hopefully she'll surprise me. Today she just gathered information from me and next week will probably get intense.

On a positive note I had one good day this week. I planted my garden....pumpkins, carrots, spinach, mixed greens, peas, beans, beets, and more. Now I just have to go buy some tomato and pepper plants. I hope to learn how to can salsa and pasta sauces. I have two aunts who can teach me. Hopefully, I will have the motivation when the veggies are ready.

I'm working on a couple of paintings that I haven't touched in over a month, I was inspired to do a handful of them, started a few but now I struggle to finish...I find myself extremely frustrated by this!

My business is slow, as I don't have a huge clientele to keep me consistently busy. I work very part time. There are things I could be doing to advertise and network but I've lost my passion for this work...by this I am also frustrated. I could go get another part time job but the thought of learning one more thing right now overwhelms me to no end.

Who the hell am I??? What do I want???

There is a mountain between Jamie and I emotionally. His life has returned to it's exact same routine-it did months ago. My whole life is upside down right now and I watch him drink his orange juice every morning, leave at the same time, come home at the same time. He talks to the same friends about the same old things. He went right back to the way things were. Maybe this is good for me, he's the only thing that hasn't changed in my world. But most days that frustrates me too. He no longer asks me if I'm okay because clearly I am not, so why ask only to hear the same things over and over again. I just wish I really felt like we are in this "grief work" together but I don't.

A long time friend is really being selfish by making everything about her and her problems. She's had a rough couple of years which I have "been there" through. Even after Audrey died I have put my pain aside to hear her woes. , which I genuinely care about.When I've been tempted to minimize the things she's going through (in my head) I refrain by telling myself, " just because she hasn't lost a child doesn't mean she doesn't have her cross to bear too." Something dawned on me yesterday as I told my therapist about the people in my life I draw support from. I have stopped talking about Audrey with her and there has been this underlying irritation I couldn't articulate until now. Everything she has lost she can get back!! They are material things, geographic locations, health, friendships. Those are all attainable. I can NEVER have Audrey back in this life!!!! Now that I think about it she has gotten worse since I lost Audrey. The only way I can put it is this, it's like she is competing with me on who's life sucks more. It is so stupid.. I am avoiding her phone call as I type this -how ironic. I don't even know what I will say to her when I do speak to her. I would like to tell her to get over it and get on with life. Those are the things you can get over! I'm tired, I can't "be there" for her anymore. I need to be selfish right now.

Phew, I tend to censor things I write for fear of who might be reading anonymously but today I just don't care. This is my space and I'll write what I want to.

Tomorrow is my cousin's graduation party where 3 baby girls will be. These are two of the same I mentioned were born just after Audrey who I tortured myself seeing at Thanksgiving. Well, last week the third baby girl was born. I told my aunt I would be at the grad party last week over facebook. Today I decided there is no way I am prepared to see those precious little ones being ooohed and aahhed over. So, the card will go in the mail. My aunt will get a "Sorry I decided I can't make it because I'm not ready to see your third granddaughter yet" over facebook. That may not be acceptable but again, toady I don't care.

I just discovered something. I've been too concerned about the relationships in my life. Wanting them not to change because I have, that I've censored myself a lot. For example I didn't go to a birthday party for the same reason I'm not attending the graduation party and I didn't give a reason. Why do I feel like I can't be honest and say I can't see babies right now! From now on I will. Maybe that is why I am depressed, I don't shout it from the roof tops that I am insanely hurt! I've been hiding away not wanting anyone to see me this way (unrecognizable to myself) but now I don't care- see me- love me or leave me, understand me or judge me, this is just the way I am.

I've been mad at the world this week and somethings got to give.

"If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best."

Depression

I am struggling right now. Every commercial I see about anti-depressants totally hits home. Depression hurts everywhere. I can't smile it hurts. I don't have tears anymore. I don't have the energy for anger. I'm just here hanging on by a thread. Partly, I feel guilty, I mean, I should be thankful for all that God has blessed me with and I am. It's just plain hard right now. I just sit here overwhelmed by everyday choices. I ask myself, "should I start a load of laundry or read my bible or watch t.v.?" and I end up laying on the couch watching my dog sleep-and this can go on for hours, as I end up falling asleep then waking up and staring at the dog until I absolutely have to get up because one of us has to go to the bathroom. Where does all my time go? I waste so much of it these days. I can't seem to find the motivation to anything unless I HAVE to. I feel washed under ... under a gigantic wave of sorrow that I can't seem to fight enough to come up for air.
For about the last month I started to wonder if it's time to call in the professionals.

At my doctor appointment Monday the nurse asked me to fill out a questionnaire to determine whether or not I could possibly be experiencing depression. She explained that more studies are showing that postpartum depression doesn't begin after giving birth but that it sometimes starts during pregnancy, and it is a routine this office now practices. While my eyes were welling up I said, "I am still so deeply grieved over my loss that I will probably score depressed." Her response was, "Yes, I am sure you are, and we want to make sure you have someone to talk to if that is what you need." I was so scared I might be told to just be happy because I have another on the way. Phew, I don't have to feel guilty anymore. It's okay to be depressed, I'll get through it one day.

Sure enough, I scored high and I am being referred to a counselor. Praise the Lord. I am looking forward to having a time set aside where I can speak freely about Audrey and all the disappointment I feel.

I have more hope already, I've seen counselors in the past and they have helped tremendously.

Running Out of Words

Lately I am finding it hard to express myself by writing, that's why I haven't been on here much. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Audrey and miss her, in fact multiple times each day. It is getting easier though, accepting this pain that is a permanent part of me now. I just can't really find any more words to describe what I am going through except healing. I have a few projects I am working on I will share with you as I finish them and hopefully soon.


On another note...
I am excited to announce that I have started a little blog business I'd love for you awesome readers to check out. It would be my pleasure to customize a candle for you! Go on over to http://audreyslittlelight.blogspot.com/ and take a look!

And... I have added my rainbow's button for those who would like to stay in the "know" about our new little one.