Thursday, April 1, 2010

Reminders of you

I finally did it this morning, ventured down the stairs and to a tote filled with reminders. Yesterday I was jolted out of denial that spring is here when I went to lunch with a few friends. I got out of my car to go into the restaurant and much to my surprise I was overdressed- as in too heavy of clothing. One friend had short sleeves, bare legs and flip flops on and the other sandals and a sleeveless top. It didn't even occur to me how hot it was outside when I got in my car. There's that ugly grief again. I said to the girls. "Wow, I didn't know how hot it was going to be today," in my jeans,black hoodie and closed shoes. The truth is I heard it on the news but chose to ignore it, as if that would make the world remain still so I wouldn't have to face the joy and pain last spring brought us. You see, on March 31st last year my aunt died and I was still grieving our miscarriage too. Also, the sun shining and new life budding just irritates me. Never in my life have I been unhappy to see spring. I am not entirely unhappy, it just irritates me that people complain all winter about the snow and being cooped up. Then before we know it summer hits and people complain it's hot. No matter the weather I have a dead baby people!! Don't complain about the weather to me!
Anyway, I made it to the basement to get my summer clothes out of the tote I stored them in after fall. As I packed those clothes away I was in the darkest days of sorrow after losing Audrey. I didn't want to look at them, after all those were the clothes I wore while I was pregnant with her. I'm a pretty practical girl, I like to make the most out of the clothes I buy so I bought mostly non -maternity items stretchy enough to be worn during pregnancy, yet again next summer. So this morning there I was opening the tote with the pieces of cloth that contained my pregnancy. The cotton that touched my pregnant belly. It was surreal and I did it without crying. All day I am reminded that I wore this skirt and these flip flops to meet the midwife who was going to be there when I gave birth to Audrey at home. I'm also the kind of girl who gets rid of an outfit if something bad happened to me in it. I'd like to get rid of all last years clothes, but the trouble is I cannot afford that!

Part of me thinks I am happy to see spring and to wear these reminders of you. Maybe it's a good thing I can't afford to buy a new summer wardrobe if it means I can remember the good times we had- you and me Audrey.

1 comment:

  1. I'm like that too. I don't want to wear things when something bad happened wearing them. So superstitious. Thinking of you & Audrey. XO