Friday, April 23, 2010

I can't cry anymore

Weird. I can't cry. I found a new level of grief. Yesterday I went for a walk with a friend who I haven't spent much time with since Audrey died. I told her my good news and she started crying. She said she is so happy for me and that I deserve to be a mother. She said she was so sorry she never offered her condolences but she wanted me to know how deeply she cares and how hurt she is that we lost her. This wasn't just a few tears welling up in her eyes. She was bawling, like- hard to breathe and talk- bawling. I stood there just stunned that she was so broken up about it. She seemed embarrassed to say anything a long time ago for fear that she would cry like this. I found much healing in her tears. It was as if I were standing outside of myself unable to feel anything, yet healing while watching someone else experience sorrow over my baby girl. A few months ago I would have been bawling with her. Now I just feel an ache, a deep ache that tears can't seem to touch.

I realized something that I have forgotten. When friends of mine have lost someone I felt like I had to be strong and not cry(except maybe at the funeral) in their presence. Maybe that's why people have disappointed me, maybe there are more people out there who are embarrassed by their emotions toward our loss so they avoid the topic. Maybe dead babies are too much for them to "keep it together" to be here for us. Maybe they think it's as unfair as we do. I know my friend does anyway. I am blown away at her compassion toward me and I feel I can let go of some my disappointment toward others in my life who have never uttered a word. Even if it did take her 7 months to say something, it was worth the wait to see her sorrow.


  1. I totally understand when you said how it was healing for you to see her sorrow. I too have a friend that took her almost 9-10 months to express her condolences, and it was refreshing, healing. Thinking of you and your precious baby girl. XO

  2. I had a similar experience about 4 months after Claire left us. It's never to late to say you're sorry... and in many ways it felt good to have someone acknowledge Claire again. xo

    I am glad to see that you are able to let some of your disappointment in others go. It must feel as though a weight has been lifted.


  3. Sometimes I feel like I can't cry anymore too. (((HUGS)))

  4. I think a lot of times they tuly don;t know what to say. How wonderful it is when they honestly express themselves and share our pain. xxx

  5. I just wanted to say that your audrey is absolutley perfect. and Im so sorry for your loss. and I also agree, that alot of people dont know what to say.