I can't cry anymore

Weird. I can't cry. I found a new level of grief. Yesterday I went for a walk with a friend who I haven't spent much time with since Audrey died. I told her my good news and she started crying. She said she is so happy for me and that I deserve to be a mother. She said she was so sorry she never offered her condolences but she wanted me to know how deeply she cares and how hurt she is that we lost her. This wasn't just a few tears welling up in her eyes. She was bawling, like- hard to breathe and talk- bawling. I stood there just stunned that she was so broken up about it. She seemed embarrassed to say anything a long time ago for fear that she would cry like this. I found much healing in her tears. It was as if I were standing outside of myself unable to feel anything, yet healing while watching someone else experience sorrow over my baby girl. A few months ago I would have been bawling with her. Now I just feel an ache, a deep ache that tears can't seem to touch.

I realized something that I have forgotten. When friends of mine have lost someone I felt like I had to be strong and not cry(except maybe at the funeral) in their presence. Maybe that's why people have disappointed me, maybe there are more people out there who are embarrassed by their emotions toward our loss so they avoid the topic. Maybe dead babies are too much for them to "keep it together" to be here for us. Maybe they think it's as unfair as we do. I know my friend does anyway. I am blown away at her compassion toward me and I feel I can let go of some my disappointment toward others in my life who have never uttered a word. Even if it did take her 7 months to say something, it was worth the wait to see her sorrow.