Just wondering

I've been thinking about how different my life may be right now if Audrey hadn't died. I can't help it, I'm a what-ifer and have been for, well, maybe all my life. What if I would have chose to live with my dad instead of my mom...what if my ex-fiance' and I would have married and on and on. Don't get me wrong- I don't wonder about those things now, what I wonder about now is Audrey.

I wonder if, despite my happiness, I would have gotten depressed being home with a newborn through this nasty winter.
I wonder if I would have taken being a mother for granted and complained about certain things that go along with it, like every normal mother does.
I wonder if Jamie and I would still fight about the same stupid things we no longer find important enough to waste energy disagreeing on.
I wonder if we would have gotten our dog, Lucy.
I wonder what it would feel like to hold her to my breast. What would it feel like to comfort her cries? What kind of -she-did-the-cutest-thing-today kind of stories might I have told our families and friends?
Mostly, I wonder what she would have liked, who she would have become, what her little quirks would be. Who would she look like? Would she be smart, athletic, creative? Would she be into Snow White? Hello Kitty? Would she have chosen the path of faith I would have taught her?
These things, I will never know.

Here's one thing I do, I'm a better person for having her.

I love you and miss you so much baby girl!