Thursday, February 25, 2010

My new life...keepin it real #3

I had all these plans before I quit Peels. I would imagine how I would spend my days focusing on my business, working out, planning a walk to remember the babies lost in our community, maybe volunteer for a women's shelter and I wanted to cook more. I thought I would have it together, be more motivated, feel excited about my new life. I've met new people and made good contacts for my career which is exciting but I've changed. I am deeply disappointed. I am about to have the life I wanted before I was ever pregnant, which isn't exactly what I want now. I want to be tired because I was up all night with Audrey. I want to forget to take a shower because I am so enthralled in mothering. I wish my house was dirty not because I am depressed but because Audrey steals all my attention. I want to be able to say when someone calls me for work that I am only available in the evening when Jamie gets home from work, because I have a daughter I am with during the day. THIS SUCKS!!!!!

Do we ever get what we want!? I try so hard to be thankful for what I do have, I can't seem to find it in me today.

I know what I need to be doing but I can't. I need to take care of myself by eating well, exercising and- shoot- even sitting here crying, but I am tired of grief.

Grief is like the person who comes over uninvited then stays far longer than you wish he would.

And....I really do not like my new part time job. There must be some lesson here.

1 comment:

  1. I agree. I want to be able to be tired and forgetful because of being a new mother to a newborn're right, it sucks! Wishing you better days. I'm thinking of you.