Wednesday, March 10, 2010

6 months

It was six months ago today that I gave birth to my sweet Audrey. I find myself weeping. It is so appropriate that we are under a flash flood warning this week. It's the same with my soul, so many days have gone by that I have laughed, found peace and acceptance and found a new normal. I have had bitter winter days and I managed to allow some sunshine in, but just like spring, grief will inevitably cause a flood from time to time. Every time I hear that news man say cloudy with a 90% chance of showers, I feel as though he is describing me!

What makes me really irritable is the fact that so few people have asked me how I am dealing with Audrey's death. It's been this way for the last 5 months now. Maybe people assume that since I am functioning I must be okay. I have been told that people don't want to ask for fear they might upset me. I'm upset anyway! What they really mean is they will feel uncomfortable if I start crying, it's a selfish motive -I think.

Anyway, I have noticed a change in the way I respond to babies as of late. For the longest time when a baby would be in view I would look away, it was too painful for me to see someone in the grocery store with a baby. Now, I find myself staring until the baby leaves my site. Today as I was driving, a woman got her baby out of a parked car and started walking up the side walk, she was carrying her sleeping girl under a blanket and all I could see was dark hair and her legs and feet. She was probably about 6 months old. This was in front of a school so I was driving slow anyway but I found myself slowing to watch her walk until I absolutely couldn't watch anymore. Well, the van in front of me braked to turn and I almost rear-ended it! That jolted me into reality...I thought, "huh, I've been staring at babies subconsciously." I remembered a baby about 6 months old I was staring at in a store as I was fully conversing with a friend over the weekend.

There is a country song "Who you'd be today" I heard it the other day and although it is written about a woman, I couldn't help but think who Audrey would be today. The thing I wonder about the most is what color her eyes are. I love my husbands vibrant blue eyes, I prayed and prayed that she would have his eyes. I also asked for dark hair, God answered that prayer, she would have had a lot if she went to term. My favorite pictures of her are the ones where she isn't wearing a hat, I love looking at her dark hair.

I miss you so much baby girl, words just can't express the depth of longing to see you again. I wish I could hold you in my arms and squeeze you really tight. Every time I squeeze Maggie or Lucy I wish I was holding you. Those dogs feel really loved I'm sure of it.

Happy heavenly 6 months to you Audrey, we love you.


  1. Hugs, I am so sorry about your little girl - she is so beautiful in that photo at the top of your page.

  2. Happy heavenly six months to your sweet Audrey! I also hate how people automatically assume you're okay because you're functioning. It's really frustrating. Thinking of you lots! XO

  3. I am so sorry that u have to go through this. No one should have togo through this. You are so strong and such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story.

  4. Thinking of you and your beautiful Audrey. Unfortunatly I think it's a very common thing that everyone believes your ok and even more so that you have moved can you be ok and moved was your child.

    Lots of hugs.

  5. Awh, thanks Melissa!
    And thank you all for your kind words. I started this blog as a sort of therapy for me and having others read it and relate is such a bonus. It's unfortunate that any of us should relate to these awful feelings and circumstances but comforting non the less to have others who understand.

  6. I understand. It has been 10.5 months since we lost Ethan, and it's still hard. It's a hard situation for other people to handle (though I don't think it has to be) and I agree that most would rather avoid discussing it all together. I hate that you are experiencing this too.

    Audrey is absolutely beautiful, thank you for sharing your story with us.