6 months

It was six months ago today that I gave birth to my sweet Audrey. I find myself weeping. It is so appropriate that we are under a flash flood warning this week. It's the same with my soul, so many days have gone by that I have laughed, found peace and acceptance and found a new normal. I have had bitter winter days and I managed to allow some sunshine in, but just like spring, grief will inevitably cause a flood from time to time. Every time I hear that news man say cloudy with a 90% chance of showers, I feel as though he is describing me!


What makes me really irritable is the fact that so few people have asked me how I am dealing with Audrey's death. It's been this way for the last 5 months now. Maybe people assume that since I am functioning I must be okay. I have been told that people don't want to ask for fear they might upset me. I'm upset anyway! What they really mean is they will feel uncomfortable if I start crying, it's a selfish motive -I think.

Anyway, I have noticed a change in the way I respond to babies as of late. For the longest time when a baby would be in view I would look away, it was too painful for me to see someone in the grocery store with a baby. Now, I find myself staring until the baby leaves my site. Today as I was driving, a woman got her baby out of a parked car and started walking up the side walk, she was carrying her sleeping girl under a blanket and all I could see was dark hair and her legs and feet. She was probably about 6 months old. This was in front of a school so I was driving slow anyway but I found myself slowing to watch her walk until I absolutely couldn't watch anymore. Well, the van in front of me braked to turn and I almost rear-ended it! That jolted me into reality...I thought, "huh, I've been staring at babies subconsciously." I remembered a baby about 6 months old I was staring at in a store as I was fully conversing with a friend over the weekend.

There is a country song "Who you'd be today" I heard it the other day and although it is written about a woman, I couldn't help but think who Audrey would be today. The thing I wonder about the most is what color her eyes are. I love my husbands vibrant blue eyes, I prayed and prayed that she would have his eyes. I also asked for dark hair, God answered that prayer, she would have had a lot if she went to term. My favorite pictures of her are the ones where she isn't wearing a hat, I love looking at her dark hair.

I miss you so much baby girl, words just can't express the depth of longing to see you again. I wish I could hold you in my arms and squeeze you really tight. Every time I squeeze Maggie or Lucy I wish I was holding you. Those dogs feel really loved I'm sure of it.

Happy heavenly 6 months to you Audrey, we love you.