Sunday, February 7, 2010


I find myself getting back into the swing of life. I feel different now but it seems I've found a way to move forward without my daughter here. I am busy getting my salon started and my freelance side of things back in order. Weeks have gone by that I have not stopped at Audrey's grave. I don't feel as reflective anymore. I ask myself,"am I not dealing with this loss, or is this my new normal?" She crosses my mind frequently, but not with such a sting to my heart. Is this called healing or just a break from my grief? Well, no matter...I'll take it. Sometimes I feel guilty for a second for being so busy that I don't just sit and stare at the wall and think of her like I did not very long ago. I answered my own question today when I thought I should write a post. I am not dealing. I've been avoiding sitting down and getting quiet enough to hear my heart (here come the tears). I find it is just easier to deny the pain that is trying to escape me when I see anything at all to do with pregnancy or babies or even children. Well, there it is. That's where I'm at. Busy enough to deny my pain. I think it's time to start planning the remembrance walk that has been rolling around in my brain for months now. I think it will be a good way to bring baby loss mamas in our community together to remember their little ones.It will keep me busy but in touch with our loss. And in four days my career as an underwhelmed/overworked store manager will be over and I will have time to do so.

P.S. Can any of you fellow bloggers help me...I can't figure out why when I hit the bold button appears instead of bold type. I have tried this on my home computer and my laptop and it seems to be the actual blogger. It's amazing that I even have a blog because I am not technically inclined!


  1. Busyness is probably good. I'm glad you are feeling like you are getting in the swing of things. You'll never forget Audrey and she'll always be in your heart. Thinking of you.

  2. I am feeling a lot of the same things, and I struggle with not knowing if this is the new normal or wondering if I am not dealing with the grief properly.

  3. Oops I just looked at my blog and realized I was in the edit html not compose..figured out the bold delema.

    Thanks Melissa and Maggie for commenting.

    Melissa, there is no proper or improper way, it's just your way. For me..I kind of stopped dealing with it, I took a break of sorts which I think is sometimes needed. So sorry we belong to this "club."