My mother-in-law went into hospice on Tuesday and Friday her battle with congenital heart failure ended. I hesitate to say that I couldn't shed a tear, yes I feel sad for my husband and his siblings but I had no tears left. It's as if my tears are reserved only for Audrey. There is no pain greater than loosing a child. I've heard this statement before but now I understand it. Marylin was sick for years, she was 78years old and her husband went before her just about 18 months ago. It was her time and now we can only hope she is at peace.
So, the year started off with another death. I struggled to get out of bed these past few days, but I WON'T GIVE UP.
I love to read and recently I have fallen in love with the words of Max Lucado. Right now I am reading He Still Moves Stones in the chapter It's All Right to Dream Again he writes:
"The God of surprises strikes again.... God does that for the faithful. Just when the womb is too old for babies Sarai gets pregnant. Just when the failure is too great for grace David is pardoned....The lesson? Three words. Don't give up.
Is the trail dark? Don't sit.
Is the road long? Don't stop.
Is the night black? Don't quit.
God is watching. For all you know right at this moment... the apology may be in the making. The job contract may be on the desk.
Don't quit. For if you do you may miss the answer to your prayers."
I feel like it is okay for me to dream again. I am dreaming of my rainbow. I have prayed that God will bless us this year with a baby-to-go. I am ready, I want to be vulnerable before the Lord with another pregnancy. I -in no- way will replace Audrey or wipe away the grief of loosing her. She will be forever engraved on my heart. And whether we have another child soon or wait years, we will still have to trust the Lord and go through the same emotions and fears other parents who have lost babies do.
I am dreaming again of my business endeavor. Soon I will quit my job and dive in to the call of my heart. It's scary, but I will have to rely on God to be the father, to provide for me. I will tell you all about it when it falls into place.
Is anything too hard for the LORD? No! Genesis 18:14
Sunday, January 10, 2010
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Michelle, I remember not having any tears left too. Shortly after Jenna died, we had a dearly loved member of our church pass away from old age. It was heartbreaking but like you said, nothing can compare to losing a child. I love what you shared from the book. I hope you carry on your dreams for your rainbow and your business endeavor as well.
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Michelle, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother-in-law.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog a few weeks ago, after my second miscarriage in 2009. The story of Audrey is heartbreaking, but I think the way you honor her memory with with your strong faith is inspiring. And it is encouraging to read of how other women are relying on God when so much hurts - and surviving because of it.
I especially like your line this week of being 'vulnerable before the Lord with another pregnancy' as I think about where I am right now. My doctor is pursuing testing since I've had two second trimester miscarriages and no live births and then deciding what to do next, which hopefully includes trying to get pregnant in the coming months.
I wish you luck with your business endeavor! Sending prayers and thoughts of strength and peace!
Karin