No sign of Christmas here

With Audrey's original due date approaching I have no desire to celebrate Christmas in a way that most do, with all the decorations and trees and shopping. Jamie asked me if I want anything for Christmas, I said no. I was supposed to be in labor for Christmas, what gift can possibly satisfy when I was under the impression that God would give me the best gift ever imaginable. That is all I was able to do - imagine it, because it won't be happening. I'm too preoccupied with all that I can't have. Nothing appeals to me. I want to just get through each day without blowing up at someone or falling in a ball on the floor crying. Maybe this serves to remind me that Christmas isn't about us anyway. Why do we give each other gifts for our savior's birthday? Our attention tends to be in the wrong place. Maybe I won't ever go back to celebrating the way I used to. Last year I was quite depressed Christmas morning because I was not pregnant, this year it is the same except I had a baby then lost her. I have learned that I will no longer put expectations on the holidays.

I know someone who decided to end a pregnancy years ago at a very young age. She had a broken past that caused her to live with shame. She later became a Christian and a close family friend, she believed with all her heart that the baby she aborted was a girl. One year as she was putting up her Christmas tree God spoke to her and said He would give her a daughter and next year at this time she would be holding her. And He did. She was born at the end of October that following year. I was in high school at the time. I had not been pregnant until this year but I made my share of poor choices and also had a lot of shame. Her testimony helped free me of some of that shame. It helped me realize so much about God's love, forgiveness and desire to bless us.

I was told years ago that I may not be able to have children on my own. The first time was because I did not have regular periods. The second time was because I was diagnosed with PCOS. The third was the same...PCOS. Evidently because I lost 50 lbs. I only had symptoms of PCOS due to being overweight....and at the time I was not trying to become pregnant(I grieved the loss of being a mother while I was single). I also believed the lie that I wasn't worthy to be a parent, coming from a broken home and surviving abuse made me textbook bad parent material. With prayer and counseling I have healed from the ugly past. My paradigm has been changed. I am a child of God, my sins are washed away. Christ did the work for me on the cross, because of Him I am worthy of everything good.

Satan has come to steal that healing from me. A few weeks ago I wanted to die. All I could hear was "I'm ineligible." I was tempted to believe that I could not have the common joys of this world, that so many others are bestowed. "My lot in life must be suffering," I thought. What really makes me angry is that I accepted I may not have children, planned to possibly adopt, found a wonderful man who accepted my reality, then to our surprise we got pregnant twice! I remembered our friend's story of redemption when ever I would discuss my Christmas due date. I told God how thankful I was that I would have my baby at Christmas time. I thought that because I was so sad in 08 (after my health practioner said there is no reason I should not be able to get pregnant), God was blessing me in 09. I even got pregnant so soon after our miscarriage, which really was a miracle! When one gets pregnant and is due at Christmas time one would expect that God will surely protect that baby because He wouldn't want to ruin one's Christmas. Don't get me wrong, he does love me but he really isn't concerned with me enjoying my Christmas. His kingdom must be advanced.
Our hopes were dashed! I walked by faith during this pregnancy only to have my face slammed into the pavement. Again, I must remember it is not all about me - or it is but in a different way. It's all about what He and His son did for me, the gift of salvation that he gave me. This Christmas it's about the gifts of the spirit he gave me.When I come out on the other side of this grief I hope this scripture resonates with me.

"I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens." Phillipians 4:11


"Test this question: What if God's only gift to you were his grace to save you. Would you be content? You beg him to save the life of your child. You plead with him to keep your business afloat. You implore him to remove the cancer from your body. What if his answer is, "My grace is enough." Would you be content? You see from heaven's perspective grace is enough. If God did nothing more than save us from hell, could anyone complain?.....Having been given eternal life, dare we grumble at an aching body? Having been given heavenly riches, dare we bemoan earthly poverty?...
If you have eyes to read these words, hands to hold this book, the means to own this volume, he has already given you grace upon grace." In the Grip of Grace, Max Lucado