Monday, December 21, 2009

My letter to Audrey

My sweet Audrey,
All day I couldn't wait to come home and write you this letter. Although I doubt you would have arrived on this day, it was the first due date we were given, I always planned on you being here closer to the 24th as that was the 2nd date and the one that seemed more accurate to me. I wish more than anything in the world that you were here with me. I want to tell you how deeply you are loved and how much your daddy and I wanted you. I hope you felt that as I carried you. Sometimes I feel bad that I doubted myself - whether I was ready to be a mom, and I saw the sacrifices I would be making sometimes more than the joy you brought me. I'm sorry for the times you let me know you were there by reaching out your arm or kicking me and I didn't respond with a touch or a rub to my belly - I put my work before you. I'm sure that's not why you left us, but I have been over it in my mind time and time again...asking myself "what could I have done differently?" I would have done anything for you. I am so sorry I didn't talk to you while you were fighting to stay alive in the NICU. I never told you out loud how much I love you. I can only hope that you knew. You see I talked to God about you all the time. I asked him to help me be a good mommy for you. While we were in the hospital I begged him to keep you here with me, your life was so important to me. I don't know if you can see me or hear me now, in fact there is so little we know about heaven....I just want you to know I feel a huge part of me is missing and it went with you.
I try to see past this pain to the glory and splendor that belongs to you now. You will never know anything like the pain I am feeling and for that I am thankful. I try to focus more on the horrible things on this earth that you will never have to go through rather than the joyous moments you may have had. I never could have provided the things you have available to you in the big house of heaven. I miss you terribly, but like adoption I must give you up, it's better for you - only you were His before you were mine. Still, you will always be mine. I think about you all the time and it hurts when people avoid talking about you. I seek solace in the questions I will have answered one day when I experience the place where you are. Does God hold you to his breast and rock you to sleep? Will Jesus give you horsey rides on his back? Are you already a woman in spirit form (whatever that might mean)? One day I will have these answers but for now....
Heaven is your go and have the time of your eternal life!
Mommy will catch up with you later!
I love you more than words.


  1. You don't know me, but I started following your blog a few weeks ago. I lost my 4 day old son on Nov. 3rd. That is a very heartfelt letter to your little girl. I am sitting here trying my best not to cry right now. It really is amazing how women who have lost babies all have many of the same questions and fears and feelings. I could have almost wrote that letter to my son. I really enjoy reading your posts. You have a wonderful way of puttng your feelings into words. I hope you are able to have a Merry Christmas!


  3. Through every post starting from "the beginning", I've had tears. This one brought the river. I've not been here, so tears and brokenhearted love, and prayer for continued healing is all I can offer. It amazes me the things you don't know about the people sitting near you. The brokenhearts so deeply hidden whether by choice or just the causualness of life. I will read on till I come to the place of who you are today, who I see near me. I'm honored to know where you've been and to know of your Audrey. Thank you for sharing both your stories with the world who needs to hear of Hope in Him even when life crumbles underfoot.