I think about coming here, to what has become my old spot, a lot. I can't seem to find the time when I'm inspired to say something and I can't remember what I was going to say when I do. I am so far behind.And can I just throw this thought out there- I feel guilty if I can't give both blogs equal attention
(representing favoritism toward my girls) that I get overwhelmed and just stay away altogether. Then I feel guilty for THAT!
I must tell you about her second birthday. I must tell you about the hope, the healing, the dark thoughts, and the rough spots of late. I will, but for now I have to write about Christmas.
Praise God, I am excited for Christmas! We put up the tree Thanksgiving weekend. Yes, we . Jamie and I. I had to beg him to do it the first year we were married, he dragged his feet so much that neither of us really enjoyed the time spent. So, I never asked him to help me again.The last two years as most of you know, was nothing short of a Christmas boycott from me. The grief was just too much. This year as I pulled the decorations out Jamie gleefully (not singing & dancing- gleeful in attitude) helped me set up the tree! I think the last two years of grief made him appreciate my celebratory-time-to-be-merry-holiday-loving side. He has his wife back.
We were given a huge box of presents, one for each day in December. We were nominated by an old employee to receive this box from a grief support organization. It couldn't have come at a better time! It would have been so hard to accept the gifts in years previous. In fact I may have even been angry about it. God knew this, she didn't. Her and I haven't spoken much since I left Peels.
Today I can say that I think of Audrey and just feel blessed to have her. She still belongs to me. She's my someone- my something to look forward to. Besides the throne- which I can't even fathom, she's the most exciting part of getting to heaven. I met her, I can grasp that love and joy because of her and her sister. With that comes healing. I chose healing. Someone once insinuated a time frame for grief, when Audrey had just died- like 3 weeks out. He said," ......something like 6 months to a year from now you'll feel so differently...." That didn't sit well with me. He was giving me a deadline and trying to disguise it as 'being here for me.' Needless to say I didn't answer his calls much. Enough of that, I don't want to get off track. My point is this, it took me about 18 months. I can honestly say that the dark cloud, the HARD work of grief that led to a place of peace and dare I say it, acceptance took 18 months. Then it took another six months to be able to accept that it is okay to feel this peace and acceptance.To see that it lasts, it wasn't just me unwilling to cope. It's mine. I get to keep it. It's a gift. Sure, there are hard times and I may regress- that's humanness.
Had things gone according to plan Audrey would have been approaching her second Birthday this Christmas. I just typed that with sadness but more with love and hope. I feel rich. Rich for having held her tininess in my arms. Rich for the grace that will carry me until I see her again. She is the first best Christmas present I could ever have received.