Loving Audrey

What should I do?

2011-12-15T11:27:00.001-06:00

I want to blog. I really do. But, I struggle to divide myself between this space and Sunshine and Seahorses. I go back and forth.
Combine the two.
Don't.
Move all of Audrey's posts into Sunshine and Seahorses.
Move all of S&S into Loving Audrey.
Just stop writing on Loving Audrey & leave it there and post all things Audrey and Naomi on S&S and re-name it, or don't.
Ahhhh!
I've been thinking about this for more than 6 months!

Any suggestions??
Help me friends.

It's beginning to look at lot like Christmas (again)

2011-12-14T23:27:00.001-06:00

I think about coming here, to what has become my old spot, a lot. I can't seem to find the time when I'm inspired to say something and I can't remember what I was going to say when I do. I am so far behind.And can I just throw this thought out there- I feel guilty if I can't give both blogs equal attention
(representing favoritism toward my girls) that I get overwhelmed and just stay away altogether. Then I feel guilty for THAT!

I must tell you about her second birthday. I must tell you about the hope, the healing, the dark thoughts, and the rough spots of late. I will, but for now I have to write about Christmas.

Praise God, I am excited for Christmas! We put up the tree Thanksgiving weekend. Yes, we . Jamie and I. I had to beg him to do it the first year we were married, he dragged his feet so much that neither of us really enjoyed the time spent. So, I never asked him to help me again.The last two years as most of you know, was nothing short of a Christmas boycott from me. The grief was just too much. This year as I pulled the decorations out Jamie gleefully (not singing & dancing- gleeful in attitude) helped me set up the tree! I think the last two years of grief made him appreciate my celebratory-time-to-be-merry-holiday-loving side. He has his wife back.

We were given a huge box of presents, one for each day in December. We were nominated by an old employee to receive this box from a grief support organization. It couldn't have come at a better time! It would have been so hard to accept the gifts in years previous. In fact I may have even been angry about it. God knew this, she didn't. Her and I haven't spoken much since I left Peels.

Today I can say that I think of Audrey and just feel blessed to have her. She still belongs to me. She's my someone- my something to look forward to. Besides the throne- which I can't even fathom, she's the most exciting part of getting to heaven. I met her, I can grasp that love and joy because of her and her sister. With that comes healing. I chose healing. Someone once insinuated a time frame for grief, when Audrey had just died- like 3 weeks out. He said," ......something like 6 months to a year from now you'll feel so differently...." That didn't sit well with me. He was giving me a deadline and trying to disguise it as 'being here for me.' Needless to say I didn't answer his calls much. Enough of that, I don't want to get off track. My point is this, it took me about 18 months. I can honestly say that the dark cloud, the HARD work of grief that led to a place of peace and dare I say it, acceptance took 18 months. Then it took another six months to be able to accept that it is okay to feel this peace and acceptance.To see that it lasts, it wasn't just me unwilling to cope. It's mine. I get to keep it. It's a gift. Sure, there are hard times and I may regress- that's humanness.

Had things gone according to plan Audrey would have been approaching her second Birthday this Christmas. I just typed that with sadness but more with love and hope. I feel rich. Rich for having held her tininess in my arms. Rich for the grace that will carry me until I see her again. She is the first best Christmas present I could ever have received.

Right Where I am: 1year 11months 3weeks

2011-09-02T11:58:00.001-05:00

I'm late hoping on this project, but better late than never right?

So, Audrey's birth and death days are approaching. As expected, the sorrow creeps in. I've become very good at compartmentalizing the grief. It no longer swallows me up for hours or days at a time. It comes in moments. Like when I hear a song in the car, I completely lose it for 5 minutes then I pull it together and walk in to meet friends with a smile on my face. And that smile is genuine, not forced. Seems strange that I can just wrap it up like that now. It comes when I look at my rainbow in awe of all that she is becoming, then I think of who Audrey might be if she were here. Those are the moments that happen most, just being a mom to her little sister. Sometimes I imagine them together, Audrey with her dark brown hair and Naomi with her red, playing together in the room they would have shared, that is currently ours. How we would move into the smaller room and give the girls ours. How we would arrange the beds, the toys ect. For months I said all this to myself as if it is how it will be if we have another living girl. One day I realized it's really because I'm trying to fit Audrey into our house. I feel crazy sometimes.

She is not here.

I also feel less self-conscious. I remember in those first days I felt like everyone knew there was something wrong with me, like I was the only women in the world who failed in the worst way. And if they didn't know part of me didn't want them to find out because I can't stand pity. I just wanted to be 'normal' again. Another part of me was desperate to tell them why I was so effed up.

I still can't think straight though. I know that comes with being a mom, but it's certainly hard not to be all over the place when someone says something unassuming like " Is this your first?" or "Is she your only child?" and my thoughts fly to the sky. Then, I lose my keys, forget to call someone back, can't remember where I am supposed to go next- that's right, to the store. Oh, I forgot my grocery list, all because someone interrupted my day with a simple question. Now, I may not be crying about it but my brain just flips a switch and I get lost sometimes (mentally). I no longer sit with the grief, I'm busy with it- maybe that's worse cause I do some really stupid stuff and say some really stupid things.

I'm so different now. It's hard to find words.
The pain has subsided.
I've healed.
I've learned.
I love better.
I can't write though- as you can tell. I've disappeared. I don't do happy writing. Pain inspires the writer in me. I just don't need this space like I used to. That makes me a little sad because I don't want to let go of it either. I've been torn about it for months.There are days though that I wish I felt as comfortable as I once did in expressing myself here. I think in terms of the blog post, but can't make it happen when I sit down at the computer.Angie has stated it perfectly:"I have read about this happening to other people. I remember from my early days reading about it with people years out. When their real life peeps into their online diary, and then have things held against them. They went private or password protected or went anonymous with a new blog name. I don't know how to deal with it, because I never thought I would care or not be able to just ask someone if they were reading my blog. I don't want to ask now and draw attention to my blog, and on the other hand, it feels like a violation if someone is reading about my emotions on a day to day basis. And that is just it. In the beginning, I didn't care if people read because I knew that grief was trumping everything. Now that people expect me to be normal again, I can't quite figure out why I ever thought telling anyone about my blog was like a good idea. And yet, I have come to rely on this space. So, that is the awkward grief place I am at now. I don't mind if people in my day to day life comment, or let me know they are reading, it is the awkward place of me not knowing what everyone knows. If they read here, they know way more about me and my weird hiccups in life than I know about theirs. It feel unsafe sometimes. It makes it sound like I dwell in grief, but this is the place I process that part of my life. And it is so important, I can't give it up. Blogging is strange, because the temporary feelings become permanent, and little dalliances with the annoying take on the gravitas of epic angers. Nothing is ever permanent with emotions. Nothing, except people can pull up a specific blog post and say, "But you feel like this."

Plus, I've been up to my neck in the everyday. Sometimes it's the keeping busy that keeps the grief at bay. This last week I've laid awake many nights, it's in the silence that I find what's really in my heart, the longing for my two daughters. 15 months apart.

She's a little piece of heaven that came to call. I am full of joy when I think of the day our whole family can be together. That was much harder to do when the grief was new.

Mothers Day: Take two

2011-05-20T12:59:00.000-05:00

This was one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. I was a mother last year. It didn't show though. I had no child with me.This year was cause for celebration as I'm a mom to her little sister now too. It was bittersweet. We went out for breakfast then to Audrey's grave. I cried. The only way that my girls can be "together" is in a grave yard.

Audrey's in the details

2011-04-03T09:31:00.000-05:00

April 2, 2011 A rose for Audrey

* Hi friends. I just found this in my drafts. I thought I posted this April 4th.

Days like yesterday are just the kind that really make me think of her. Wonder what she would look like now and what I would have her wear? My brother got married and with that comes family photos. From time to time I wondered how we would include Audrey. Early on in my blog journey I decided that pink roses are kind of her thing. Only Jamie knew of my idea to have a pink rose to represent her in our future family photos. One of my tasks as a bridesmaid was to arrange some flowers to be used as a background for the ceremony. Some happened to be roses and pink roses. Perfect. I decided that would work very well,( I wouldn't need to go buy one on the way) I could discreetly pull one out of a vase and hold it -especially since I was the person who arranged them that's justified right?-use it for our portion of family pics then return it. And so I did. I told my mom I planned to do this, but no one else. As I stepped off the stage I laid the flower at my neieces' feet as they were taking pictures of just the grand kids. My sister in law bride caught a glimpse of this and said with tears welling up in her eyes, "I know what that's about and I love it." Surprised by this and tears welling I said "For Audrey." She said, "That's what all those flowers are for, hence the term memory flowers, and I had a specific rose in mind for her, one that is a little more delicate pink and perfect." I had no idea that the flowers I was arranging were to represent loved ones lost.I hadn't hear them referred to as memory flowers. What a gift. And to think, she didn't even know at the time what pink roses mean to me- or so I thought. It is because of my brother that I ever chose pink roses as our thing to remember her by, it's because he brought me 2 dozen of them when I was admitted to the hospital before she was born (the only time I had ever been given 2 dozen roses!). And naturally they became her funeral flower, the ones people sent and the donated casket spray that I had no part in choosing. Sister in law bride also said "And we brought 2 dozen roses again when Naomi was born, on purpose." I had been wondering about that. It meant so much to me and I figured that was our little gift from God, but had no idea it was intentional. And as if she didn't have enough going on during her wedding day, she tracked my down just before we said our goodbyes and gave me perfect pink rose she chose for Audrey. I am so glad we just received such a caring and into-the-details kind of woman to our family!

More like me

2011-03-12T00:00:00.000-06:00

I'm not only recognizing the person in the mirror, I'm accepting her. Me.The person I was meets the person I have become. They are integrating, merging. Some things about me really have not changed, I just lost them for a time. Like my sense of humor for instance, I thought it was gone forever. I take things so seriously- I have always been rather intense- but wow grief really has a way of making a person, well for lack of a better word, grave. But I'm loosening up again, joking around.Laughing at the same things I used to, by the way I find nothing funnier than a man hurting himself- it's sick and twisted- I know, but it gets me every time.

And there's my appearance. Even though I am in the beauty industry, which can be so vain and so overly focused on society's standard of beautiful, and outward appearance, I embrace nature. I embrace those who wish to remain plainly in the skin they're in- I mean without makeup. Or with a hairstyle that has minimal upkeep. I see beauty in every individual. Individuality is beautiful to me. We are forms of art. Oh yeah, about my appearance. So, I let my hair grow long. I haven't colored it in-well, I can't remember how long. I've had un-painted toe nails more often than not in the last 15 months. I've gone out of the house without makeup too many times to count... Stayed in my pajamas numerous days and numerous days in a row... Binged on sugar creating an ass I never imagined would belong to me... I think you get the point. I've been here before- I mean depressed enough to 'let myself go.' I recognized that girl in the mirror all along. I didn't even care that I may have lost the girl who valued herself enough to take time to apply the very thing she was passionate about, makeup.Then one day, I cared again, hoped to find her again. And I did. It's not for anyone else. It's not because I have to, but I feel like getting up in the morning and putting on makeup and doing something with my hair.

Most importantly, there's my faith. Was it shaken? Sure. Did I give God the silent treatment? You bet I did. Did I walk away from 'the faith'? No way, to me faith is a gift that cannot be returned. Most of all I've questioned my theology. For awhile I didn't know what to say about God because maybe I was wrong about Him all these years. And when I say that I don't mean His deity, or His love for us, but His motives. I used to believe there was a lesson in everything. I would say about another's situation- or even some of my own " happened because I needed to learn ." Or,..... well, I'll get into that maybe in a later post. My point is this. If you were wondering where I stand it's still next to the Lord. I come here and drop off the darkness so it doesn't swallow me whole. Like I wrote in the side bar "About Me", this is my journal, where I get support from those who 'get it'. So if you don't find me here it's because I'm having better days.
As I mentioned back in August- I believe- I participated in a bible study Anchored By Hope. I will be going back through my journal ( yes, I have a hand written one as well, I don't put everything on the web) I will post on some of the key points that have brought me hope and healing.

I'm glad to say I'm feeling more like myself these days. It doesn't mean I'm not familiar with the pain anymore cause it's just under the surface, but I can recognize myself again. I even kind of like her.

100th Post Winner

2011-02-28T11:54:00.000-06:00

Good morning ladies!

Using random.org...Melissa you were drawn as the lucky winner! I hope it is perfect for some of Amelia's things.Leave me a comment with your address ( I won't publish it, but delete it) and I'll get it in the mail to you.

Once again thank you all for reading my blog and offering love and support! I'll be back soon.

100th Post!

2011-02-24T10:58:00.000-06:00

Were you wondering where I've been? Well, I was trying to come up with something cool for my 100th post. Many of you have done fun things to commemorate your 100th posts, I have to too ya know. I racked my brain til I couldn't rack it anymore and what I came up with is a giveaway. I am going to give one lucky winner a little something handmade by yours truly.A little something to say thank you for reading and praying and encouraging me along the way. It's pretty simple really but I like it enough that I will have a hard time saying goodbye when I send it off to one of you. I may need to make one for myself...

It's a little keepsake box, the perfect size for pictures or jewelry or anything your heart desires.

If you would like to be entered to win, just leave me a comment telling how you would use this box. I'll be back Monday morning (28th) to do the drawing!

xoxo

Miscellaneous

2011-01-04T15:26:00.000-06:00

I've been at a loss...what to say?
Christmas sucked
New Years too
I haven't went to her grave since October
I feel guilty
I cry in the car sometimes
It still hurts
I get really angry
It takes me a long time to figure out why
I'm distracted
She's a big sister now
That hurts too
Sometimes I say her name in my head
I'm not the only one
I should be happier
I don't give a damn
I forget to ask Him for help
When I do I usually get what I need
I haven't forgotten
I never will
Do I know her better now?
I see her all the time
People say her name too
That makes me happy
They share the same day
I never knew it would be so hard
Maybe next year
Maybe next year

A tiny house guest

2010-11-22T03:50:00.000-06:00

I signed up for a visit from Patches the bear, a cute tiny little bear who has traveled to many baby loss families...we had the pleasure of being one of them last week. Here are some pictures and highlights of his time spent here.

Patches with Audrey's hospital blanket and bracelet along with the rose that hung on our door.

This puppy is the one gift we were given by a dear friend when we lost our first baby to early miscarriage.

Audrey's hand and foot print

This lovely garden ornament was a gift from our funeral home and made by a local artist.

Patches hanging on the wall with Audrey's pictures

Watching me work from my makeup case (messy case at that).

And lastly....there is a rainbow on the horizon......

Thanks for the visit Patches!

If you would like to sign up for a visit, go to Patches button on my sidebar and get added to the list.

Today

2010-11-12T08:40:00.000-06:00

Today my grief feels so raw again. It's a rainy morning, I'm gripped with longing, longing to hold Audrey. I am struck with grief over what our marriage could have been at this point had we not lost her. Today I am pissed off that I didn't get to give birth to Audrey, but that she was surgically taken from my womb. I will never be the same again. I feel so ruined.
Today I have so much to accomplish, a hard working weekend ahead of me. I feel like I just lost her yesterday. The demands of today seem too much to handle. I haven't cried in, well I can't remember how long, but now that the flood gates have opened I can't seem to stop.

Grace, oh how I need grace.

Blog Anniversary

2010-10-31T21:30:00.000-05:00

On this day last year I went public with my blog. It took me a few weeks to write the story of Audrey's very brief visit here, and gain the courage to share it. As I sit now and think back on those days I see a stark contrast to who I am now in some ways but some things have remained the same. I was a very private person and it was hard for me to be so vulnerable at first. I took the risk of starting a blog because I was desperate for a release. I had so much inside I needed to just get out into the atmosphere. I've been journaling for years and it became time for a new level. Now I feel like my life is an open book and I'm pretty okay with that. I know now that I'm not a freak, many others have and are experiencing the same range of thoughts and emotions. That makes it easier to write whatever comes to mind, and I put a lot less pressure on myself. I started out a baby blogger and now I feel as though I've made it through elementary, I kind of feel that way about my grief too.

I started with the title of my blog being Faith, Hope and Loving Audrey. I don't remember the day I decided to shorten it and I never mentioned it here I just did it. And the reason, well, this space along with my life became less about faith and hope than it was about loving Audrey. I longed for hope, and struggled to keep faith. Do I still? Sure I do. I used to feel ashamed of that, hence the title change. I no longer felt the content was worthy of such a title. Those first months after we lost Audrey I felt close to God, I felt like all I had was faith, then suddenly He felt so distant- I became distant. I started to doubt all that I believed, I lost hope for my future. I was being swallowed up by my tsunami sized grief as I explained in this post. Now the image that comes to mind is more like me carrying my grief in a hobo bag that is actually kind of pretty. I've managed to contain it in a bag that is always with me, and at times I trip and fall, the contents spill out all over, but nonetheless I can carry it now, instead of it carrying me. I can look at the contents whenever I want, I can set the bag down when it is too heavy and I can do so in public or in private. My faith and hope are slowly being restored-they look different now. Maybe more realistic. Maybe I have a more accurate understanding of who God really is and who I am in and through Him. But I'm still here,still working it out, it still hurts.

I'm interested in exploring what the next year will bring and how the tone and content of my blog may change. Change is in the air and I feel good about it. I'm not okay going about it without Audrey but I'm learning to accept that I don't have a choice. I can't bring her back and I'm tired of wishing I could. I won't forget her but I must keep going and give my life room for joy. That means giving less time to the grief that tries to steal all of my attention. It's hard, I've given all of my attention to the grief, but now I feel the pressure of setting boundaries, though it feels like a healthy step to take. So here's to the end of one blog year and on to the beginning of a new....

Day 30

2010-10-30T08:28:00.000-05:00

A dream for the future~
I have always loved traveling! My dream is to see more of this world, period. I'm open to going anywhere, anywhere at all. I love flying, I love learning new languages (I'm not fluent in any other), and I love people! I'd love to afford to travel to many places in a leisurely fashion, but I also think it would be awesome to work for an artist or band and tour with them for a year. That could actually happen and is more likely than me coming up with money to say... tour Europe for 3 months.

Day 29

2010-10-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

My hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days~

That's a lot to think about considering I'm learning to take life one day at time. But, for the sake of this post I'll venture beyond.....

My biggest hope is to bring home my rainbow baby and successfully manage being a mom to her and Audrey.
The second, to continue being married. I know that probably seems weird to include in the list, but I can't just take it for granted. I feel like it has to be intentional now more than ever to work on our marriage remaining.
I hope to make more money these next 365 days than I did the last.
I hope to continue on the creative journey that I have been expressing myself through these days.
And I plan on getting back into really good shape. I miss working out. I miss running. I miss feeling physically fit.
That's all I have.

Day 28

2010-10-28T18:33:00.000-05:00

What is in my purse ~

Okay, so I dumped it out but I had to arrange it a little...yep that is a pile of receipts under my sunglasses. I thought a picture would be a lot more interesting than telling you in words.

Day 27

2010-10-27T20:25:00.000-05:00

My worst habit since Audrey's death ~

I avoid the world. If I don't have to do something or be somewhere I will stay in my pj's, not do my hair or makeup and I'll even avoid phone calls. I shut out everyone and everything and revert to my little corner, the blog world. I can easily spend an entire day this way....or at least until my husband comes home, then I have to cook and talk out loud. Then, I feel bad for 'letting myself go' although Jamie has never said that.

That's probably the worst habit. I do have others.

Day 26

2010-10-27T20:14:00.002-05:00

My week in great detail ~

I am actually having a very busy week so I'm behind and I will sum it up pretty quick, instead of giving great detail. Now, this is an ever changing schedule like I mentioned in my 'day' post.
Sunday ~ Jamie bathed dogs while I changed sheets & dog beds, did a few loads of laundry, and baked a cake. In the afternoon we watched a movie, I napped then we headed to a new friend's house for dinner, then home for me to get on my call for the Threads of Hope Bible Study.
Monday ~ OB appointment in the am, along with making and returning phone calls. Ran errands came home for lunch and more laundry, then off to a Chiropractor appointment. When I came home I discovered a box on my doorstep, it was the Still Life Travel Journal!!!! Opened it up and was SOOO excited, but had to make dinner instead of diving into the contents fully. After dinner I watched TV while I started on a candle order and of course looked at the travel journal and marveled at all it included. And of course I made some time for blogs.
Tuesday~ Worked diligently on my piece for the journal and a few candle orders. Did dishes and more laundry (I do one load at a time, so it's never really complete) plus I didn't do much laundry last week so I have more this week. =0 Talked to my sister on the phone for 45 minutes.... In the evening I worked in the salon, threw together a pizza and crashed on the couch in front of the TV.
Wednesday~ woke up at the crack of dawn for no good reason. Tackled some computer work (perfecting salon website, struggled to fix my pay pal button for blog, returned emails and fb messages). Finished candles and packaged up the travel journal. Took them all to the post office. Took a nap and ate TWO chocolate bars! Well I didn't mention that I had eaten breakfast and lunch, so the nap and chocolate came in the afternoon. Did some dishes, cooked dinner and am now blogging.I will probably go put away MORE laundry after I am done.
Thursday~ in the morning I will clean the house or at least start and get through a few rooms. In the afternoon I'll meet a friend for a walk. Then I'll come back to do some hair in the evening.
Friday ~ This is my usual busiest salon day, so it will be spent between the salon and on face.book in between appointments...so this is why if you see- what seems like- me on fb all day, that's why, because that is how I kill time when my appointments aren't back to back. It rarely happens that they are because I over-shoot the amount of time I'll need for each appt. (remember the OCD post) because I can't stand being behind/late.
Saturday~ Salon in the am. Freelance hair and makeup for a photo shoot out of town in the afternoon and into the early evening. Home to host Jamie's cousins for a backyard bonfire with roasted marshmallows and smores.....fingers crossed for the appropriate weather. =)

Well, that's it in a nutshell, like I said this is not detailed but I can't imagine anyone would really wanna know much more.

Day 25

2010-10-25T22:15:00.000-05:00

My day in great detail ~

When I am getting out of bed I put my right foot out first, then swing my left leg over, both feet go into my slippers, then...... No really, I'll stop right there. Can ya tell I'm feeling a little sacrcastic tonight? Some days are incredibly boring, well I'm not bored but I can't imagine you caring to read about my activities on some days. Others are quite exciting like Saturday for instance. I have no schedule, my schedule is my clients' schedule- whenever someone needs my services that is when I work. It keeps it interesting, I don't love doing the same routine every day. Routine has it's benefits but for the most part I enjoy the adventure of each week being different. Anyway here goes:
5:15 am wake up, get ready and head out of the house for a freelance client.
6:45 arrive, apply makeup, style hair and go back home/salon
9:00 first salon client
11:00 break time, join my husband on the couch as he watches movies through Netflix instant stream.
12:00 eat lunch, continuing to veg on the couch
2:30 back into the salon to prepare for next client
3:00 client
4:00 client
5:00 client
5:30 eat dinner that my dear husband started preparing
6:25 leave for another freelance client
6:40 arrive at hotel, attempt to valet park by unloading makeup chair, case & hair bag. Valet wanted to move my car and it didn't start. UGH. I will now be late (which I HATE) so in order to get my car out of the valet lane I have to do a little trick to re-set my car's computer that takes TEN minutes. I call my client who is waiting upstairs to say I'm here but gonna be late to come upstairs. HOW EMBARRASSING! All the while my car is re-setting - BTW- I must have key in ignition for this, sitting there looking like I'm doing nothing- a lovely valet girl is inside the hotel holding/ guarding all my stuff instead of parking other people's cars who were also waiting for me who is taking up the whole lane because I was in the middle enough to not allow for anyone to get in behind or in front of me. Yeah, nice huh? I finally made it through the excruciatingly long ten minutes and Ms. Valet told me to pull around to other side of hotel and just park in a no park zone and she wasn't going to tow or charge me. Phew, how nice! Then I was escorted by a bell hop who helped me carry all my stuff to my clients suite. Yeay for nice people... and I will definitely recommend this hotel!
7:00 apply makeup, style hair and do so professionally yet hurried-ly ( if that is even a word). Because I am making her late for her evening.
8:00 leave hotel and head to the grocery store
9:15 arrive home, unload groceries (find my hubby has left so I must do all the grocery work myself, poor me)
10:00 hit the shower and watch tv as dear husband comes home
11:45 wake up from the couch and drag my exhausted fat butt to bed.

Day 24

2010-10-25T15:03:00.000-05:00

Where I live ~

I live in Des Moines Iowa - what I feel is one of the most misunderstood places of America. We are not potato farmers, that is Idaho. In fact I'm not a farmer at all, nor have I or any of my family ever been anything remotely close. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against farming, it's just that in my travels and living in larger places such as LA I've heard people say the most incorrect and stereo typical things about my home state. And those who do the hard work of farming here are commonly into corn, dairy, and pork, although we have probably every type of agriculture throughout the state. We also have an increasingly large number of vineyards...that's right, Iowans make wine too. The population here (the capital) is a little over 500,000. Des Moines is the place for the insurance and finance industries. During the two years surrounding an election this is the place to meet any presidential candidate of your choosing as we hold the caucuses, a major event in nominating the president. This place is literally crawling with campaign offices, flyers and signage galore. We are becoming more and more diverse every day, which I love! In the 7 years since I moved back I've seen this place grow tremendously in every way. We have a few cool areas with great boutique shopping and awesome restaurants. There are many hidden talents here such as phenomenal, salon &spas, photographers, tattoo artists and clothing designers. We have art galleries, a great music scene and awesome events. And yes we rank pretty high for our annual art festival and our downtown farmers market (rightfully so, seeing how we are a farming state). There immigrants from many different countries coming to our area as well, which I love to see. That was my favorite part of living in a major metropolis- meeting people from all over the world and learning about their cultures. Oh, yes and then there is education...our public school system leaves a lot to be desired, not unlike the rest of America, but we have some pretty great colleges throughout our state. So annnnyyyway, my immediate neighborhood consists of mostly Caucasian middle- aged families and our block is mostly retired folks. So, needless to say it's pretty peaceful and quiet here. I like it. It's taken me a long time to appreciate it because I miss the ocean SOOOO bad, but the cost of living is much more practical for us here and I've come to accept a slower pace. We won't stay for the rest of our lives though, one day we'll move closer to a coast.
I guess what I'm trying to say is Des Moines is not so bad, there is quite a bit to do here. The state of Iowa has a lot to offer as a whole... with beautiful lakes too- for you nature lovers. I'm trying to convince you that this would be a good place to visit! Heck, this would be a great place to consider moving if you 're looking to re-locate. ;)
Well, this is where I live!

Day 23

2010-10-23T21:10:00.000-05:00

A YouTube video that makes me laugh ~

Day 22

2010-10-22T13:52:00.000-05:00

A website that has been meaningful to me since my loss ~

Uh, how about every single one of the blogs I follow!?
I can't say there is one website that has been meaningful from the beginning but Faces of Loss has meant a lot to me since it began this summer, for all they are doing to raise awareness and allow us a place to tell our stories in one place. Still Life 365 has been a wonderful place to see others express their grief, a place where everyone's artistic expression is accepted. And ...Glow in the Woods...what a wonderful compilation of articles by various writers who so eloquently put into words what we in the baby loss community universally go through!

Day 21

2010-10-21T17:19:00.000-05:00

A recipe ~
I hate cooking.Although I hate it, I do it because it is cheaper and healthier than eating out. I put together the easiest things I can for dinners. I like to use very few ingredients for meals. Baking is another story, as you saw in my post a few days ago. There is one recipe that I feel is share worthy because I fell in love with Cuban food from Versailles, a wonderful restaurant in Los Angeles, and I had to learn to make some Cuban food when I moved back to Iowa. There are no Cuban restaurants here. So I did online searches for a similar dish I would order there that was my fav. So here it is (and it is more than a few ingredients).

Carne Con Papas

2 lbs. beef stew meat
3 white or yellow potatoes
15oz. tomato juice
32oz. beef broth
1/2 small white onion
1/2 green bell pepper
3 cloves of garlic
1 tsp. cumin
1 tbsp. olive oil
1 tbsp. Spanish saffron (yes, I use a lot, you don't have to use as much -I love the strong flavor)
pinch of salt

Chop green pepper, onion, and garlic finely or put in a food processor (that is what I do). Heat olive oil in pressure cooker on medium heat. Saute green pepper,onion,garlic,cumin and saffron & cook for about a minute then stir in tomato juice and broth. Bring to simmer, add the beef and potatoes. Cover with lid of pressure cooker and cook under pressure for about 30-45 minutes.

Serve over jasmine or basmati rice. I also warm up some black beans with a dash of vinegar and onion powder added. And when I have been really ambitious or craving the full dish. I also fry up some plantains, mmm mmm good!

I went out and bought a pressure cooker just for this recipe- that's just how much I HAD to get me some Cuban food! This might discourage you from trying this recipe but I tell you a pressure cooker is definitely worth having if you don't already. I also make beef stew and chicken curry in mine. It makes meat soooooo tender! They only cost about $25 and it comes with very thorough instructions that I suggest following. If I can do it anybody can!

Day 20

2010-10-20T08:14:00.001-05:00

A hobby of mine and how it has changed since my loss ~

A hobby I've always had but have gone years between practicing is painting, drawing, and crafting. What has changed about it is that I need it now more than ever. I need to lose myself in whatever it is I'm creating 1) because it allows me to take my mind off of the grief. 2) It can help me dive fully into the grief and express it where I might not find words for it. 3) I find a sense of accomplishment which in turn brings about some freedom, some healing.

A painting I submitted to Still Life 365 representing all that I lost when Audrey died.

A lamp shade I recently made. It was plain white. I added all the fabric and made the rosettes.

Day 19

2010-10-19T08:53:00.000-05:00

A talent of mine ~

Hmm, well since tomorrow's post is about a hobby which is closely related to my talent, I'll go with the less obvious...the thing that you wouldn't know about me. I make cakes for my family's birthdays, mostly the kids but I've tried my hand at adult versions. I'm still perfecting my fondant techniques but I guess you could call it a talent of mine. I hate cooking but love to bake and I'm good at baking about anything I've made so far. You won't be able to taste but I'll give you a look....

For my niece's 2nd birthday...and my 2nd try at fondant icing.

For my mom's birthday...my 1st try at 2 different kinds of fondant.

Day 18

2010-10-18T18:16:00.000-05:00

My wedding ~

Let me start by saying Jamie and I met in high school. A mutual friend revealed that he had a crush on me. He being too shy and didn't approach me, so I took the initiative to talk to him more and see if I was interested. After a few rides to and from play practice and home he asked me to go to a football game with him. At the game I sat with him and some of my girlfriends, us girls all decided he was too nice and a little nerdy for this bad boy lovin' girl. I was so rude to the poor guy and after that night he didn't speak to me again. Fast forward to 2003. I had just moved home from California. It was a funny chance encounter where my sister had been meeting up with some guy friends who had motorcycles, I told her I wanted a ride. So, she asked one of them if the next time they all got together I could have a ride. One agreed. She then told me "Hey, you might know this guy, his name is Jamie etc. etc." I say, "Yeah, I know him. Did you tell him who I am? Cause he probably thinks I'm a real b*@!h and won't want to give me a ride!" I proceeded to tell her about high school. So she informed him of who I am. Surprisingly he still agreed saying that indeed I was not nice to him, but he would trust that my sister was being truthful in saying how I'd changed. The night I met him again he pulled up in his truck, driving past the meeting spot on his way home from work to get his motorcycle. I will never forget the thought that ran through my mind. "Holy crap, he's grown up to be so cute! Oh, God help me I might be in trouble with this one!" Yep, I got butterflies in my stomach the moment I saw him. I had no intention of dating anyone, I had plans to stay in Iowa for about a year then go back to California. Needless to say those plans sure did change. It was really ironic too how I began working in theatre as we started dating. I hadn't been involved in theatre since high school. We got engaged in July 05. He proposed while we were on a trip to Chicago it was as romantic as it could be out on the Navy Pier at 98 degrees and record high humidity, completely sweaty. The poor guy, I've put him through so much. Not only did I reject him in high school I did it again a year after we were dating. He asked me to marry him once and I said no, broke up with him, got back together and broke up with him a second time, then back again. I decided around Christmas time of 04 that I was worthy of a nice loyal man who cherished me and to stop jerking him around. I told him so and it took him 7 months to propose again which I don't blame him for - but can you believe I had a deadline in my head that if he didn't ask me again by such and such date I was outta there. Now I roll my eyes at myself. I had a feeling when we went on that trip that he might propose. He made me wait until Sunday, our very last stop to confirm my suspicion. He won't admit it, but I think he feared that I might say no again and he didn't want to ruin the whole weekend. Again, can't blame the guy. So here we are....

My handsome man

Goofing around

His parents, who are no longer on this earth with us.

Day 17

2010-10-17T06:51:00.001-05:00

An art piece that moves me ~

I recently found this artist through another baby loss mom on face.book. SO many of her pieces move me. I wish I could afford to buy all that apply to motherhood and grief! This just nails it for me, what a picture of this past year, me feeling dark and vulnerable with my heart just hanging out there for all the world to see, yet I'm hiding my face because I can't bear the thoughtless comment or look of disappointment coming from anyone. And some days I might be hanging my head in shame...shame for the way I my body failed Audrey, shame for the way in which I am grieving her loss and how that is affecting everyone in my life.
http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheMidnightOrange

Please Be Kind

Day 16

2010-10-16T15:50:00.000-05:00

A song that makes me cry or nearly ~

My question is.... On what day? This past year I've cried to anything from "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" by Poison to Louise Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World." Then there's the song from Audrey's funeral, and a song from my grandma's funeral, and another my aunt sang to me up to the day she died. I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to be kinda lame and not really answer this one. There are just too many variables. Most songs just don't hold the same meaning for me anymore either.

Day 15

2010-10-15T17:06:00.000-05:00

Double Post Day!.....so, what do I like about my house?

I have a love/ hate relationship with our house. It is a home that was built in 1932, a ranch style. It has been "added onto" twice. It was once the farm house of an apple orchard. I love that our house has tons of history and that it happens to be the only one of it's kind for blocks around, due to the fact the farmers slowly sold pieces of the original land over many years, I believe starting in the 50's. It's kind of cool to think about how we are in the heart of the city and all my neighbors' houses and the surrounding streets were once apple trees instead. What I hate is the mess! We are updating it and by that I mean gutting it, re-designing parts of it and putting it all back together. The process is grueling. My husband is amazing though, he can do all the construction and he does it well, so I like what we have done so far. We just pick an area rip it up, make it pretty, take a break for awhile, then it's on to the next area. We've been here for 4 years and we are over halfway done with the remodel. All that is left is the kitchen and living room, then the outdoor siding. We hoped to have it all complete by now but decided to do it as we could pay for it rather than get a loan or put it on credit cards. So, without further ado I'll share some pictures with you.

The dining room

My husband's best work...vaulting the ceiling

And my favorite...a screened in patio in the back, just off the dining room.

I'm glad we are doing these thirty posts and that this is one of them. So often I look at all that still needs to be done with such dread. But, I am proud of what my husband has accomplished, and doing this really helped me appreciate how far we've come.Maybe I'll dig out the disk of "before" to show you at some point. And really I do have the easier job of picking the colors and painting, and adding all the decorative elements. By the way, the dining room rarely looks so clean as it serves as my art studio most days.

I Remember

2010-10-15T16:22:00.000-05:00

Today I remember our babies with all of you. I am so pleased to see face.book filled with love and honor for all those lives that mean something to us. To recognize that we need not be silent, that it's okay to talk about them. Being a part of this community for a year now, I see the great strides we've taken to gain voices for the children we mourn. I can only imagine what next year will bring! It is so sad to think that we will add to our family in great numbers by next year's Remembrance Day.

Last Sunday my husband and I went on a walk to remember. It was a small walk- like around the building- on a hospital campus. About 300 people attended which was the largest turn out they had ever had in the eleven years they've hosted. They had a beautiful ceremony with songs, poetry readings, a harpist playing, all in an auditorium lit only by candlelight. They gave each family a white rose with a white ribbon where you could write a message. As soon as I saw the white roses my eyes welled up with tears, that's Audrey's thing- roses, white or soft pink. White particularly because that was what our hospital taped to our door to let others know we had a baby who died. And pink because I received so many pink roses from the moment I was admitted and on through her funeral. So, as I was saying the ceremony was beautiful, I shed many tears and at times I wanted to lay on the floor and just have an ugly, gut bellowing cry- you know the kind you would reserve for home alone. I left feeling rather disappointed though. The ceremony took place first then the walk, and last we placed our roses in a memorial garden and spoke our babies' names into a microphone as we laid them at the base of an angel statue. That was also beautiful.
What left me wanting was the walk. As some of you who've been following me for the duration know, I wanted to plan a walk. I thought there wasn't one in our area, then I found out about this one so I felt there would be no need for another. I guess what I'm getting at is after thinking about this for a week I still think I want to put one together, I imagine getting the community involved, one where we really walk - in public. Not hidden, not where only the people coming and going from the hospital see us. Not one where only couples who've lost and their children attend. One where we get teams together (our entire families) to wear t-shirts that represent our babies. One that is announced on the news not just at the hospital and funeral homes. This is not a new idea, it's what cities across the country are doing. We are behind- like most things, being in a state were our biggest cities are a far cry from being big metropolises. I'm writing all this to get your opinions and any ideas. I hate to compete with one of the three hospitals but I really think we can do better. I would be willing to work with the hospital if it weren't for the politics. Too many people are left out- this is a Catholic hospital and it was a very Catholic ceremony. Where does that leave everyone else who didn't give birth there, or are from rural areas, or are uncomfortable with a religious ceremony? Like I said I'm open to comments, I welcome them, I'm kind of begging for them! What should I do, where should I begin?

Day 14

2010-10-14T08:54:00.001-05:00

A non-fictional book that is meaningful to me since my loss~

Drops Like Stars by Rob Bell. The description of the book is just this, " A few thoughts on creativity and suffering." It is a very short book but packs much punch, gives you something to chew on for a while. This book touches my soul on a level I cannot fully articulate. I've written a little about it here before. At the time when I bought it, it came as a large hard cover book, now a paperback is available with some beautiful photography, and includes only 6 chapters-but not what we normally call a chapter, one page may have one sentence on it and the next seven, then before you know it it's on to the next chapter. He quotes artists and writers and brings together the art of life, he makes suffering beautiful and honest.Of course I would recomend this book to anyone as a good buy but if you are too broke or reluctant, you could sit at B&N and read it within an hour, that's sitting and pausing between his thoughts to get all philosophical -that's what I do anyway.

I've read a handful of other non-fiction books since losing Audrey but frankly, I can't remember enough about them to make mention. They were mostly self-help grief books that I know have made a difference in me- allowing me to see that all I've been going through is normal, which is good but not as meaningful to me.

Wow, I held a baby

2010-10-13T19:18:00.001-05:00

So, another baby was born. We have become friends with a neighboring couple (mostly to the husband) in the few years we have lived next door to one another. We mostly talk to him because he is outside working in the yard, and we have attended a few of their 4th of July parties. Though they are only a few years older than us (we are starting late and they started waaaay early-like age 14) their daughter just gave birth to their first granddaughter. As you can imagine, they have been over the moon about it since the day they found out. We never really knew their daughter until about the last 3 months, and their whole family has been so excited that our babies will be playmates. Anyway....she was born the 1st. We got a text and a pic, which I thought would be the extent of our interactions until we ran into each other in passing. We said congrats, she's cute, you know the usual.
I got a phone call the 4th.
Me: "hello?"
New father: "Hey, Michelle we are next door and are you busy-I mean we want u see our daughter, we wanted to come over but- well are you busy right now?!" reallllllly fast, I can hardly understand him.
Me: " Uh, well, um not really, sooo did you want to come here or you want me to come over there?
He: "It doesn't matter, we just want to show you!"
Me: "Well, um, how long did you plan to be there?"
He: "About another 30 minutes!"
Me: " Uh, let me just come over there, I'll uh be there in a few minutes." I say as I am looking out the window to see a lot of cars in front of grandparents' place and in the driveway.
I think to myself as I'm throwing on a pair of shoes "It will be okay, there are a lot of people there who will be passing the baby around, not too intimate- probably won't draw attention to the fact I won't hold her. I'll just be in and out. Besides, sounds like they have somewhere else to be soon."
As I walk in the door, around the corner comes mama and baby. Baby is dropped into my arms, while she says, "wanna hold her?"
Uh wow okay, I'm holding the baby! Interesting that even in the midst of grief and fear of holding a baby my reflexes didn't break. I put my arms out like anyone would when you have a baby in your bubble. I imagined that going down differently.
Surprisingly, I did okay. The blood rushed into my cheeks and I got very hot and couldn't sit down once again. But I held her and looked at her. I'm glad that's over with. One little thing at a time right? That was probably the best way it could have happened. I wonder if they did it on purpose because all those visitors were around the corner in the kitchen when I entered the front. There were only three of us in that huge living room, yet everyone else seemed to be crammed into the kitchen. It surprised me so much when new father called me because he never has and he talked to me like we were best friends. I literally walked over there in shock. Then it was shocking to be handed the baby like I was such an important person, they were just waiting to introduce her to. I feel like I was just adopted into their family without knowing. The best part is I was able to talk about Audrey while holding her and the parents didn't get all weirded out like a lot of people do. Who knew that long conversations in the yard - mostly just in passing, with new grandfather would lead to a little healing for my heart. Of course I thought of losing Audrey but more-so I was just happy that they got to bring their gift home.

Day 13

2010-10-13T17:53:00.000-05:00

A fictional book that is meaningful to me since my loss ~

I have not read any fictional books since my loss. I couldn't fathom reading anything that is imaginative up to this point. I've done nothing but grasp for the truth, and search for reality-others' realities, and what is my new reality. I love to read! I've just been reading story after story of other moms who've lost- boring answer- I know.

Day 12

2010-10-12T16:23:00.001-05:00

Something I am OCD about~

Being late. I hate being late! If I am it's because something out of my control has happened or I really don't care about the thing to which I am late. For instance when I have grown to hate a job I tend to arrive 5-10 minutes late. Or if I have a family function that....well I'm gonna stop there in case someone in my family is reading. heh heh.... Annnyway, I like to be 5-10 minutes early.

Day 11

2010-10-11T16:02:00.002-05:00

A photo of me recently and how I feel about seeing it now ~

- A very recent photo (a week ago).This is my little sister and I.
She is about to have her 5th baby at the end of this month. So about how I feel....I feel two worlds colide. I am pregnant with my second rainbow and she with her 4th. She had a miscarriage with her first and has gone on to have perfect deliveries- all natural- with the rest. She is really good at being pregnant and bringing my nieces and nephews into the world -like she was made to make babies. I love her tremendously and would want nothing less for her. I on the other hand feel like I am not so good at this, but am holding my breath, hoping to be proven wrong. I hope I can look back on this picture in December and have joy. Joy because I am holding that rainbow and she hers, not grieving for another baby lost. I agreed to taking this picture because I thought, either way I'm gonna want to remember this and I hope it isn't because it will be a keepsake in another memory box.

Day 10

2010-10-10T15:55:00.000-05:00

A photo taken of me more than 10 years ago and how I feel seeing it now ~

First of all I can't believe I'm sharing this with all of you! But second, I had to so you too would see how fun I used to be.

Yes, I said I used to be. This picture was taken exactly 10 years ago- in the fall even. I was at 6 Flags Magic Mountain having a blast, acting very silly, I was living like a child in that moment- as you can see. When I look at this picture I grieve for that girl I once was. I can't imagine letting myself go like this- practically embarrassing myself. If you can't tell I was jumping up and down because we were finally going on a ride(can't remember which one) that I had been anticipating- totally acting like a kid!

I miss her. I feel like I don't even know her. Life has become so serious, so mundane, so GROWN UP.

I was Miss Adventure, spontaneous, a little wild- in a good way! I could be uninhibited whenever I wanted to and without any substance- it was el naturel- let it all (personality) hang out and have fun!
Now it's all I can do to leave the house and when I do I'm the person you will definitely NOT notice, just blending in with the crowd.

Day 9

2010-10-09T05:00:00.000-05:00

A photo I've taken since our loss~

Yes, here it is, her headstone arrived. I just took this photo about a week ago. Nothing drives home the reality that you are a parent to a dead child like a solid piece of granite spelling out the facts.
*sigh*
I love the font. Those are her actual feet. I came up with the quote-if you'd call it that- about the flower.

Day 8

2010-10-08T05:00:00.001-05:00

A photo that makes me angry/sad ~

I think it speaks for itself. I am not this kind of Christian.

Day 7

2010-10-07T05:00:00.001-05:00

A photo that makes me happy~

My dogs are such a blessing to me. They bring me comfort and make me smile. This is my littlest doggie Lucy. I call her the queen because she rarely lays on the floor or any flat surface, she thinks she is royalty and must have a pillow or two or four...I can't seem to capture her on our bed where I have quite a few layers of pillows, where she is most of the time. She's just too cute!

Day 6

2010-10-06T05:00:00.001-05:00

20 Things that calm me..

1. The ocean
2. A warm breeze
3. Sunshine on my shoulders
4. Keepsakes from my aunt and grandmother
5. My dogs
6. Music
7. My husband's hand on the small of my back
8. Fleece, chenille, and silk blend blankets
9. Chai tea
10. Community
11. A walk
12. Prayer and meditation
13. Solo road trips (with good music)
14.Writing and journaling
15. Creating something with my hands
16. Comforting others
17. Nostalgia
18. Stretching on my fitness ball
19. Escaping into a movie or t.v.
20. Hugs

Day 5

2010-10-05T13:05:00.000-05:00

My favorite quote~

This has changed. I am the type of person that goes through phases- I mean we all do but, for me it's pretty evident. I can look back on periods of time and have a song, outfit, quote, food and smell that I associate with whatever I was going through at that particular time in my life, whether it be happy or sad. Then I move on to my next phase, when I love something I love it til I'm sick of it or something comes up that is more interesting. There was a time when I lived in L.A. that I was dating a Latin boy named Carlos who loved Depeche Mode, now I've always been a Depeche fan but I now associate certain songs by them with him. Every time I spot a certain color of brown fall boot, it also takes me back to that time along with a plaid coat I still have and the smell of satsuma, that's what I wore that fall I dated him ever-so-briefly.
Does everyone do that?

Well, that was a a big bunny trail I took you on just to say that right now my favorite quote is:

"We are healed of suffering only by expressing it to the full." Marcel Roust

That is where I am in my life. I cannot deny the pain I am going through for anyone. I cannot down-play the affects of grief to make others comfortable because I WANT to heal. I NEED to heal, therefore I will express it fully.

Blog award

2010-10-04T14:02:00.001-05:00

Hi all! I've had the honor of being nominated for this blog award not once, not twice but four times! Thank you to Alissa, Shandrea, Kara, and Kristie I am seriously behind on all that I wish to write. Life is looking kind of normal these days-I mean that in a way that would seem normal to an outsider that is, like a busy routine. So without further a do I will list my most newly viewed, blogs. Some of these ladies may have already been nominated, not sure.......

Rules:
1. Post award on your blog along with the person's name who nominated you.
2. Pay it forward by nominating 10 other blogs that are new to you, and post with their links.
3. Contact those who you've nominated so they can accept and do the same.

Laura
Melissa
Hannah
Beth
Melissa
Tami
Lula's mommy
Angela
Heather
OWS this blog is not about baby loss, but it is SOOO worth the reading. She is a beautiful, deeply spiritual woman who writes from her soul.

I hesitated to accept this because I hate the thoughts of leaving anyone out. I even considered listing my entire blog list but I simply don't have the time for that!

Ta ta for now!

Day 4

2010-10-04T12:13:00.000-05:00

Day 4- My favorite book. Has it changed since my loss? No.

Years ago I read this book, Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, I borrowed it from a friend. It has made the biggest impact on my life, it is the most memorable book I've read, and I've read many books, I'm an avid reader. This is a must read for every woman! We all desire to be loved unconditionally and this book is such a beautiful, well written love story. For those of you who aren't into fiction or Christian fiction, I say give it a shot anyway..I'll bet you won't be able to put it down either! In fact I need to get my own copy and read it again!
http://www.viewpoints.com/Francine-Rivers-Redeeming-Love-reviews

Thirty posts: D3

2010-10-03T16:28:00.001-05:00

A television show that has helped me get through my loss or that moves me, is the TLC show Hoarders. http://tlc.discovery.com/videos/hoarding-buried-alive-compulsive-shopping.html

The reason I say this is because I watch all the same t.v. that I did before Audrey died. But during my 11 day stay in the hospital I watched marathons of that show. It broke my heart just as much as it grossed me out to see all that these hoarders were holding onto emotionally as well as physically. I hate to admit that it also made me feel a little better to be watching something that dealt with reality- reality that we humans are fragile and broken and imperfect. I felt so imperfect sitting there in that hospital room and by no means did I think I was better than the hoarders just suffering in a different way. I didn't want to escape my reality with comedy, I was sure of that and I pretty well knew that show was safe- in that I wouldn't see some happy family with a new baby. It was also shocking enough that it really did take me away from my life for a while, holding my attention, which even now is hard to accomplish.

Thirty posts: D2

2010-10-02T16:09:00.001-05:00

Day two: *a movie that helped me get through my loss or that jumps out at me.*
I would have to say Couples Retreat jumps out at me, for no other reason than this is the first movie we went to see after our loss. I remembered sitting in the theatre and thinking about Audrey every few minutes. I had to keep telling myself to come back to the movie and when I would I would laugh, then I'd feel so weird laughing, it just felt wrong. I remember being so exhausted when it was over because it was such an effort to feel joy, sorrow, guilt, and confusion all at the same time. Any time I've walked past that movie in the video store it just takes me right back to that night.

Thirty posts in thirty days. D1

2010-10-01T15:46:00.002-05:00

Like I said in my previous post, I am behind, I'm going to play catch up quick, because I really like this idea, now hopefully I can find the time to actually post each day.
Day one:
I have a hard time narrowing down one song that reminds me of Audrey, so many of them do now. I guess I have to say the "one" that would really srike a cord with me if I heard it play on the radio is With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman. I chose this one because it is the one song we had played at her graveside service. If you want to hear it scroll down to my playlist it's on there.

And here is the list if you'd like to do this project as well.
still life with circles: Thirty posts in thirty days.:
"Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future"

Look At Me NOW!

2010-09-25T22:05:00.001-05:00

That is the theme I saw tonight as I walked the very looonnnnng seemingly never ending halls of this particular NICU. You guessed it ...this whole post is all about triggers, so beware.

There were posters of child after child holding their preemie baby pictures while smiling proudly. It was clear by the faces of these adorable kids that their parents have told them all their lives what miracles they are and what odds they overcame. So why was I there? My husband's friends had a baby yesterday... we went to see him....and might I add WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!??? I was having a good day today and thought, well he is a boy and I can probably handle it. I've known for about 7 months that this and a few other babies are going to be born between now and January. So to myself I said, "Time to be a big girl Michelle, it's been a year, you should try to look at another's newborn, it might not be as hard as you imagine." Well it was harder. I did fine going into the mom's room, but as it came time to go see baby boy another couple we've never met were visiting as well. As we walked those halls the new-to-us-guy said, "Wow look at these babies, they are SO tiny!" I caught a glimpse just as he was making the statement and I felt the heat rise in my cheeks. ( I get beet red when nervous, anxious, sad, mad-anything intense at all) I was walking looking straight ahead and I would see poster after poster on both sides but trying so hard not to focus in on them, for fear that I might fall apart. They would pass one by one, but I wouldn't allow myself to turn my head to really see them, that was just my peripheral. You see, we were under the impression that he was in the part of the nursery that needed extra care because he has some fluid on his brain, but no. As we were making our way down those halls my wonderful husband points out to new guy that our daughter was about that size ( I assume pointing to one of the pictures) and that she was only 1 lb. 13 oz. ect. ect. It was a bittersweet symphony to my ears. On one hand I was so happy to hear him tell her story but on the other I just wanted to focus on the baby who is alive down one of these long freeekin halls! When we arrived, the mom proudly boasted that he was the "biggest baby in here" and "can you believe there are 50 babies in this NICU!" I felt like I had to do something painful like get a shot, inside I was saying lets get in and get out, get this over with already so I can get the hell outta here! Am I happy for them -of course I am! I just didn't prepare for all the comments that would make me think of all of us. I had to stand, I couldn't sit down- I tried but I needed to feel the pressure in my feet- I don't know maybe to balance the pressure I felt in my face. I really thought it might catch fire! I positioned myself to be the furthest from the baby, I had no intention of holding him, nor did I. Between the complaints of how long they had to stay (standard 3days) to how bad it sucks that big sister had to wear a mask because she had a nervous cough, I wanted to get outta there. As us ladies were talking the dad pipes up "Hey ladies, us guys are going to head downstairs and let you visit."
I quickly rained on that parade, shot my husband the look, and said,"we gotta go let our dogs out" -classic excuse. Then of course I heard,"oh, you don't want to hold the baby?" Me- " No, no baby holding for me, we really need to get going, just wanted to stop by and see him though."
I can't imagine holding any baby but my own, I just can't do it.
I was so thankful for my husband tonight, when the dad was complaining about staying overnight again, Jamie said , "Yeah try like 11 nights dude."
And I wanted to say, AND....not get to bring your baby home!
And when the mom said more than once how amazed that there are 50 babies in the NICU, my mind would wander to the question of how many might die, a reality that this couple cannot begin to grasp (thankfully for them).
And at the mention of wearing a mask for a not-cold-related cough, of course I was thinking, "You self-centered people have no idea that a lot of these babies are hanging on by a thread and IF your kid hacked her germs all through these halls and killed a baby you'd never know, you wouldn't be the one losing sleep over it, the parents would all the while you get to bring your "normal" sized, healthy baby who just needed a little monitoring home. So suck it up, hell why don't we all wear a mask, we don't know if we are carrying a virus!"
As we left I looked a little bit closer at my peripheral vision of the posters and thought how awful that none of our babies can say,"look at me now!" growing all big and strong. I really need this to not send me to the couch for days. I've already eaten too many oreos to mention while I wrote this post...that is one of my coping skills-eating anything that contains chocolate.

Giveaway number three!!

2010-09-25T12:13:00.000-05:00

Head over to Audrey's Little Light to enter to win a candle just in time for October 15th!

Third Day & Anchored By Hope

2010-09-23T14:10:00.000-05:00

Third Day is my favorite Christian band! I just wanted to stop in quick and share this video with you. I've listened to this song over and over and over again since we lost Audrey and I think it is one of the many things that have brought a glimmer of hope and healing to my heart. I haven't been spending much time here in blog world. I've found myself pulled in the 'real life' direction a little more these days but I'm still stopping in and reading your blogs, although not commenting much, please know I think of you often.
I started the Anchored By Hope Bible Study and after just two weeks I know more healing is taking place in me. Last week our leader said something to me that was simple yet profound. I said I wanted to draw closer to God through this study because I've been feeling more and more distant the further out Audrey's loss is. I said how I want to get back to the way we were ( God and I). Her response was that it is a lot of pressure to put on myself, that our relationship would not be the same again. Duh me! I figured this out about all my other relationships but didn't factor in the reality of my disappointment toward God, the ways in which I don't trust him as I once did. I'm looking forward to all that I will get out of this study as hard as it will be, I still look forward to it.

Sending much love to each of you!

I love the internet!

2010-09-16T17:15:00.007-05:00

I can't express it enough, there just aren't words that describe how much I LOVE and appreciate you, my followers, my friends. This past year I have felt so much love and support here, unlike what I have felt in real life. I have to say I was not surprised at the outpouring of kindness from this community surrounding Audrey's first birthday. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your comments here and on fbook and to those who sent me a picture of Audrey's name! Thank you to all who sent cards and emails including you lovely ladies from BLM Pen Pals! There are just too many to mention.
And last but not least here are some of the gifts we received from a few of my friends (IRL)...

A non BLM- one who "gets it"...love her! And a BLM and long time forever friend.

Ladies, you know who you are...C, I'm so glad you've become such a great friend to me and I so appreciate that you not only remembered Audrey, but you took the time to pick out flowers and a balloon to put on her grave. You are one that I can trust with my feelings. Thanks for being here for me and not being afraid to talk about her!
A, I misss you sooooo much. I really wish we lived closer to each other and I especially wish that I could have been the friend to you like you've been to me through your loss ( if only I knew). I'm so happy that we're in touch again and I love you more than words! The book is beautiful. Thank you for being you, a great friend!

Unfortunately I did not experience the same from my own family. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. I was deeply disappointed that not one of my family members called or sent a card. Two relatives sent me messages on fbook, but I can't help but think that was due to my fellow baby loss mommas posting on my wall. Who knows, but it errks me that so many of them had to see my status and said nothing. I am going to turn my irritation and hurt into activism. I will speak out about this "taboo" subject! Look at all the support cancer survivors get! We don't get crap! Don't get me wrong cancer survivors deserve all the support, BUT WE DO TOO!!! I am so excited for the Faces of Loss Faces of Hope October campaign that just started. If you haven't checked this out, donated or submitted your photo I highly encourage you to do so! I just went there today and my picture should be up in the next few days or so.

Much love to you all!

My own September 11 tragedy

2010-09-11T10:00:00.001-05:00

I really need to just speak freely here. I find it rather difficult to separate into two blog posts so often and today I just can't make that happen. My grief and joy are intertwined daily. So I guess what I'm saying is, if it's hard for you to read about subsequent pregnancy today's post is not one you'll want to read.

Triggers have been going off for me left and right these past few weeks. As seahorse gets bigger, kicks me harder and my belly grows two thoughts occur to me 1. It reminds me of the time I had with Audrey in the hospital after my water broke because without the fluid I could feel her every move. 2. I never made it this far with Audrey and it pains me to constantly compare these things. Every time I log onto Fbook and see all my cousin's babies I think of how I want seahorse to know them and be playmates, but I still feel the pain of how they are all around the age of Audrey. I guess I thought having a rainbow would be a little easier. I knew a rainbow would never replace her or make the pain go away. I just hoped that as time goes on the joy of a new baby would far outweigh the sorrow of losing one. Maybe it will one day. Right now though I feel ashamed when I curl up in a ball and cry so hard my abs hurt, this has to affect my seahorse. And I feel ashamed that days, even a week here and there have gone by that I think of Audrey but not with sorrow, jut like a fleeting moment of remembrance. I'm tired of the pain, I'd like to put it behind me. Not that I will EVER forget Audrey but that I'm not caught up in the tragedy of it so often. It's less often than before but sometimes it's jut like it was yesterday-that's what I wish would stop-being broadsided with it out of no where. I really can liken it to the twin towers coming down (or a natural disaster). Just like 9.11.01 Everyone remembers where they were that day. It changed everything. As much as has been cleaned up and restored, those towers will never again be. That part of the country will never be the same, all of America will never "get over it" we've just found a new way of living because of it. Years later there is no debris left just the emptiness of the space where those buildings once stood, the memories of the lives that were tragically lost, and the sacrifices so many made to pitch in and help rescue those trapped by it. I feel like that in my baby loss world. I'm looking at my life in pieces scattered all over the ground, just as I feel like I'm making headway on putting it back together I become overwhelmed and tired of being strong so I fall in the pile of rubble. It will probably take years to see no signs of destruction but I want it to be now. I'm weary from cleaning up this mess. Thank God I have this community to help, to encourage, to chip in and rescue. But we're all weary at times and sad because each of us has to do the same in our own lives. Where is the rest of the world...those who are stronger, who aren't weary from having lost a child? Most hustle and bustle through their own lives....we who are grief stricken have no direct effect on them, so why stop and help out? Don't get me wrong I have a few really awesome people in real life who are willing to share the burden of my tragedy. I speak of society in general here.

I just wish there were less debris hanging around, yet it keeps me feeling connected to Audrey. Like the hospital bills for instance, we are only just beginning to pay for her doctor and NICU bills (took them all long enough to figure out what insurance wanted to pay) and I continue to pay for my hospital stay. And by the way my husband's insurance wouldn't cover anything because she didn't leave the hospital alive...yeah we might have been able to fight that but can't afford a lawyer or the emotional toll. And now the new baby bills (the high tech ultrasounds) are coming in and money is getting really tight. The driven person I once was would be really resourceful and go out there and get more clients and work really hard to pay the bills. But, this is the mess I describe, ME-I'm the mess. I can't bring myself to that driven place- I just can't find it in me. Again, feeling ashamed, I have a baby on the way to take care of! Money isn't going to magically fall into my lap! I'm full of the knowledge of how to succeed and I can sit and come up with great ideas, but it stops there. In fact I remember comig up with all these marketing goals and my business plan while pregnant with Audrey. I would be with her during the day and work in the salon every night and on Saturdays. My business would be booming in no time. Well she died and as much as I tried to keep my career plan alive it died a little too. I'm not following that plan now. I did one big event. I'm not busy every week let alone close to being busy every night. I wanted to do more for Audrey it seems. I feel like I'm cheating my rainbow by not being everything I can be because I'm knee deep in Audrey sorrow. Not so much active -crying -my eyes -out- sorrow, but an invisible force that weighs heavy on me even as I go about everyday tasks- just getting by.

I need a new counselor, but even that journey sounds exhausting...finding a new one that is. I've been ashamed to admit that I may have PTSD. We discussed it a bit and she has no experience with it so she couldn't make a clear diagnosis. I've had past trauma, and those are the vivid reoccurring memories that have evidently been triggered by losing Audrey. Often I find myself alone in my search to find answers and direction as to how to overcome or get through whatever I am labeled as. Most of the time I don't care about the proper label just that I find healing.

More than fearing something bad will happen and cause me to lose this baby, I fear I am screwing her up when I have such bad days. I just pray and pray that God will protect her from my emotional turmoil and I try to lay it all at his feet so I'm not thinking or crying or fretting too much. But, I have my weak days when I fall apart and can't seem to leave it in His hands and trust Him to heal my brokenness.

Sorry this is soooo loooong. I really needed to get some of this out and I probably should have done it over the course of a few posts. You're probably wondering about the pictures. I thought I would do something visual to show how my world looks to me. The first you probably recognize, me in pieces. The second is a picture of Jamie and I and the third is really hard to make out- I think- is my salon. Interesting how they turned out. I randomly cut them, threw them on the table and scrunched them together. I find it most interesting that the picture of me and Jamie and I are at least recognizable, which are the most important. The salon- well it's hardly easy to make out the floor from the ceiling, hmmm.

Thanks to all who stuck with me through this entire post.

Happy Heavenly Birthday Audrey

2010-09-09T12:29:00.004-05:00

Dear sweet baby Audrey,

I can only imagine how you spend your eternity in heaven. Anyone who believes in heaven has their own notions of what it is like. Some imagine that our loved ones are looking down on us, sending us signs or making things work together for our good. Some believe that those who've died become angels. The bible says, "No one has ever imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him."(1 Cor.2:9)

So if we imagine the opposite of everything that is here on earth (the evil) that is what heaven is like- only better than we can ever fathom. There is no pain, no tears,no burden, no trouble, no hunger or thirst and no death. So I think you can't possibly even know that you are separated from your mommy, you are too whole and complete by being with Jesus. If you did know and you could see me, wouldn't that bring you pain to see mine? Or you can see me but it doesn't cause you any pain-maybe because you can see all that I will one day inherit just like you? I imagine that when I get to heaven, we meet again and the bond is instantly restored. For you it may be like when we meet someone new here on earth and we feel a connection to them- like we've known them all our lives- only for you and I it will be much, much deeper. I imagine that you are not an angel, because angels have hard work to do. The bible says that God has given the angels charge over us.(Psalm 91:11-12) I think we have appointed angels form the moment we enter this world, he doesn't need anymore than when he created the heavens and earth. Or does he just keep appointing more and more to minister to us left behind? If so how does he possibly chose who to appoint to who and when? Maybe this makes me selfish or lazy but when I think of going to heaven and becoming an angel it doesn't sound appealing to me. I mean I don't want the responsibility of caring for someone here on earth.In heaven we are to have fullness of joy- FULLNESS of joy!(Psalm 16:11) We couldn't possibly have that joy if we are assigned as angels to rule over the earth fighting off evil could we? I also imagine that you never sleep, you're in a place called paradise, a place we are promised rest, you probably never get tired so there is no need for sleep. If there is no hunger or thirst you probably never eat or drink. Or do you and it is purely for the taste and nothing goes to waste?

These are just a few of the things I think about here far far away from you. We know so little about heaven and I certainly look forward to the day I see you again. Words can't begin to express how I long to hold you again.

For my readers: Thank you all so much for your continued support and love. I've received so many loving comments here, through email and on Fbook. I appreciate you all so much. And as far as my ramblings about heaven goes..I am in no way offended by others beliefs about where our babies are and how they spend their time, whether as angels or not... and I hope I haven't offended you! Whatever brings us comfort is what we go with right? I am such a realist and I always want to know the facts and as much as I seek facts about heaven I'll never really know until I get there.

Tonight I will draw the name of the winner of a custom scrapbook candle...if you haven't already head over to Audrey's Little Light to enter!

It's giveaway time again...

2010-09-06T15:17:00.003-05:00

Head over to Audrey's Little Light for another custom candle giveaway. In honor of Audrey's birthday Friday the 10th, I'd like to bless another mommy with a memory candle.

When September ends...

2010-09-02T10:43:00.001-05:00

Today I have a cry hangover. This is really all I have to express what I'm feeling.

Just keepin' it real again

2010-09-01T20:18:00.004-05:00

So often I come here and have a plan as to what I'm going to write. Many times I think about it days before I get here to put it in writing. I like to collect my thoughts and put them into a theme, organize the chaos, make it all sort of make sense. I've been at a loss again lately as to what to say. It's September. The month that forever changed me last year. I have nothing organized or collected. My thoughts and emotions are all over. I just simply hurt. I'm gonna just drop it all off here, bare with me.
Some days it feels like the bandage on the wound of my soul is containing the hemorrhage. The last few days I feel like I'm getting blood everywhere. I'm angry. I feel alone. I feel rejected. I hate myself for so many reasons. I'm sick of being a wallflower. I've always been one to listen more than speak, desire to learn more than teach, give more than receive. Years ago I learned how to foster my self esteem (that which was robbed when I was abused). I worked to get it all back. Now, since I lost Audrey I'm back to feeling extremely insecure. It doesn't stop at feeling insecure as a mommy to the girl I lost but in all areas of my life. What happened to me?! I can't seem to get it together. If a client doesn't come back I feel horrible about myself. If I'm not included in someones plans my feelings are hurt. I'm jealous of people for various reasons (and not just the usual baby parents). I seem to be sitting frozen watching everyone else live while I merely survive. Even when I'm moving or involved I'm not fully there, totally engaged. Like I can't tear down the wall I built. Everything seems just within my reach but I can't have it. Like when you are trying to reach the pull switch to a light , you're on your tippy toes and you feel the string slipping through your fingers but can't get two fingers to grasp and pull. THAT is how I feel about my career, our finances, the emotional intimacy of our marriage, my friendships, my relationship with God, my relationship with myself. I am grasping but not reaching anything! I just wanna scream! These things are my fault. I mean I don't have the energy I used to to put into these things to reach my goals. That's where some of the hating myself comes in. How long? How long will I NOT have motivation to change? How long will this grief affect me this way? How long til I figure out who I am again? How long will I go un-noticed, un-appreciated? How long before I accomplish something I can be proud of? I feel like the only thing I'm good at now is dealing with death.
I wish I could just run away from it all! Go get a totally new life, just disappear, re-locate, change my name. I'd like to become someone new and surround myself with all new people. Well, that's exhausting! Never mind that. I almost deleted face book and my blogs two days ago, this is how crazy hurt and emotional I've been. I need my counselor back. We are on a call-in-30-days basis and I think I need to go see her instead. I feel crazy again.
Oh Audrey, I miss you so much.

Remembering Your Baby

2010-08-26T12:38:00.002-05:00

Hello Ladies. I am trying to compile a list for myself of all your baby's birthdays/anniversaries so that I can remember with you and send you a little something. This means ALL you followers! I have many who read but only a few comment, so don't be shy.
I'm doing the same on my facebook, so if you'd like you can comment there....no need to do both though.
Thanks! Hope you are all having a peaceful day!

Projects

2010-08-23T08:02:00.002-05:00

Hello friends. As I mentioned before I have submitted some of my artwork to Still Life 365 and another piece is featured today if you would like to check it out. The talented Franchesca, who most of you know, is participating in a sketchbook project for her Jenna. I thought it would be fun to get in on this cool traveling exhibit too, you might want to consider it yourself! You don't have to be an artist and you don't have to go through an acceptance process, everyone can participate. The theme I chose is "Lights in the distance." Like Fran, I had a hard time choosing a theme "Facing Forward" and "Adhere to me" came in close second and third choices. Distance is the word that kept coming back to me, there is a lot I can do with that word and it seems to be an ongoing theme in my life even before Audrey.
.....And Fran I plan to drive to Chicago to see yours!
Hope everyone has a peaceful Monday!

Thinking of you a lot

2010-08-20T16:30:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I went to the hospital and relived those moments we first lost you. As daddy pulled the car around I waited at the bottom of the elevator watching as people came and went to and from the maternity floor proudly wearing their stickers. As one man came off the elevator he had a bounce in his step, a new dad bounce. I thought to myself. "This is one of the best days of his life. Your daddy didn't get to come off that elevator with a bounce. " Then I imagined what all those who loved us and wanted you to live must have looked like walking in and out of those doors. I saw myself coming through those doors with you and leaving without you. I despise that stupid blue awning, just because that is the landmark to the doorway of sorrow for all of us who love and miss you. I sat there for maybe 5 minutes and it felt like I relived those 11 days of being there, I bawled. I met eyes with people who were bustling in and out and just couldn't control myself, I couldn't hold the tears that I have for you. Those were some of the worst days of our lives. I felt the distance between us like you'd just been ripped away from me, it was so real in that chair just waiting for daddy. That's something that's pretty normal for me now, just crying in public. I can't reach the shut off switch.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, but lately reaching milestones with your little sister brings me right back to memories of you that cause me to linger a little longer. I think about what I was doing when I was pregnant with you, about your ultrasounds and the position of head up feet down with legs tightly closed you liked. August was my last month with you. With your first birthday approaching of course I think of how I will honor your memory. How I hope the people I love the most won't disappoint me and forget about us.
My heart has been heavy for all the wonderful mommies I've met who have babies you probably know and love. My heart is heavy for all our neighbors who just lost their homes due to the flooding, and the moms who fear losing their kids in this war and who have, for all the people unemployed right now, for the two people I know who've recently become paralyzed. You are in such a better place little girl, I know you suffer nothing and for that I am thankful. I just wish for me- for us you were here or I were there.

Day of Hope

2010-08-19T23:59:00.000-05:00

Bittersweet day. As I prepared for this day since I first found out-gosh-weeks ago, I found it healing and uplifting to help another babyloss family hold onto the precious memories of their baby. I bought a box and painted it myself, got a candle and added my own embellishment, found a frame that was perfect for the theme I was pulling together. I remembered fondly how many things the hospital and various members of the community provided us. Some wonderful ladies from a church, crochet or knit blankets, booties and hats and supply the hospital with handmade outfits in various sizes. Besides the hat, booties and gown, we got a blanket to keep and one that she was wrapped in for burial. We were given a handmade quilted envelope to keep papers in, a personalized bracelet the nurses made, hand and foot mold and prints a memory box and a memory book. We were also given a stack of papers which included a list of local resources and a book called This Little While. My hospital is good at this.

I had a hard time figuring out what I could do to beyond all of that. So, I came up with the items that were missing for us. I included a disposable camera and some pampering products (of course being the salon girl I am) Shea butter and lavender bath salts and a room/linen/body spray of calming essential oils and as you can see a teddy bear. I found a really cool sympathy card at our farmers market that was made of recycled paper and flower seeds that you plant! I forgot to take a picture of it, but you literally plant the card in the ground and up pop butterfly and hummingbird attracting flowers!

So I was feeling a lot of hope leading up to this day. Now that it's here I'm just weepy. I feel so bad for this family I don't even know. My heart is just broken that someone else out there will need this box. I approached this as a ritualistic way of honoring Christian and Hope , Audrey and all our babies that have already died. Today the reality of this pain dropping the floor out from under another couple hit me. But it feels good to be a part of something bigger than me and to honor so many babies memories. Like I said, a bittersweet day.

Irritated!

2010-08-16T16:35:00.003-05:00

I just poored my heart into a really tough post and hit one wrong button and lost it all! That's all I have to say for now. Maybe I will be able to recall tomorrow what I meant to express here today, but right now I'm exhasted. I was sick all weekend, went to hospital, feeling better and now this. ERG!

Marriage

2010-08-13T00:01:00.001-05:00

Our marriage has always been based on trust and mutual respect, you know two very important ingredients to make any relationship flourish. We are opposites, I the creative somewhat extroverted one- expressive, and he the logical introvert-the thinker. There is balance to our opposite natures, we are good for each other. We've also had some huge fights over the years, trying to make sense of where the other is coming from, again I think like any relationship, sometimes you have to work at it. We have an old house that we are remodeling and by remodeling I mean gutting old plaster walls, re-designing and starting over completely. We've been doing this since the day we got married and we still have a few years ahead of us. Remodeling was tough on our marriage. I didn't agree with the way in which he went about doing it, deciding he'd start a project without first finishing another and/or not covering furniture in the room where he went on a whim and created saw dust or plaster dust. We saw each other through sore backs and various minor injuries. At times I resented the fact that other people were out having fun while we were constantly working on our house. We thought it would be fun to buy old houses, fix them up and flip them. Never again. This was our life.

I was the strong career woman who really didn't need anybody but who loved her husband, and agreed to a more domestic lifestyle, who vacillated between wanting to be a mom and being unsure of parenthood but decided to give him that gift (if I could get pregnant) because his love changed me. I wanted it all and I would find a way to pursue my dreams and be a mom, I was driven like that.

He was mostly satisfied, he had everything he wanted. The classic car, a house he dreamed of fixing up, the wife, a job he mostly enjoyed. He didn't need anything else but he desired to be a father more than I can begin to imagine.

Marriage felt like a true partnership. We both worked hard contributing to the bills and housework. We had about the same desire for going out with friends, how we spent our date nights and we even shared the same level of desire for sex.

All of that has changed now. In the beginning, just after Audrey died we became so much closer than we'd ever been. Holding each other and crying night after night. We were so gentle and kind to one another, always checking in and asking the other how we were really doing. Slowly that began to change. I quit my job to start my business (with his full support). He continued on in his and virtually went back to life as usual. I worried more about him dying in an accident than I ever did before. He started working later. I was home alone to grieve. I got more and more depressed, in fact suicidal and he got more and more busy. It was like overnight there were miles between us. After seeing me cry and hearing about the depths of my soul for months, he no longer needed to ask, he already knew I wasn't okay. So we stopped talking about her for the most part. I went from feeling like our marriage had never been stronger to imagining that it was all about to fall apart. I became insecure, convinced he was having an affair with a girl at work. I based this off an interaction between her and I and he was working late and not calling. I was sure that I was no longer enough for him. I wasn't making about the same salary as he does anymore. Thus making me feel like I wasn't pulling my weight. When I wasn't busy with my business I didn't do anything. I couldn't cook, couldn't get the laundry caught up, I could barely manage to shower let alone be anywhere close to being the wife I once was. I hated myself. I hated my body for not carrying Audrey to term. I hated my reaction to the grief. I still hate how needy I've become. I felt like I failed my husband and he certainly deserved better than me. I began dreaming of him and the girl from work. I told him about the first few dreams in hopes he would offer enough validation and reassurance to obliterate my notion. But he didn't. He also didn't display any behavior of guilt either. I would say to myself that I'm being ridiculous and days would go by that I wouldn't think about it. Then I'd be greeted in the night with another dream of him leaving me or just indulging himself with her. I started to question everything inside, feeling like I can't trust anyone not even my own husband.

We are distant. To anyone looking from the outside I'm sure we seem fine. But inside there is distance. We talked about it just a few days ago, as we have before. We don't know how to fix it but to continue to talk about it, be honest about it. I think if it were up to him there would be nothing to talk about. That's just his style, it always has been. He said he feels sad from time to time about Audrey and that he doesn't like the distance between us. I just pray. I've told Jamie and God how insecure I feel about our marriage and all that I need. I guess I either wait and heal or wait and hear.
I can't speak for him but I think it helps a little that I'm not depressed anymore and I have wanted to go out and do things together. It's in the moments that resemble the old us that I feel closer.
In a season of grief I think the hardest part for the marriage is that the needs of each person can not always be met. As we each change from this tragedy so do our needs. I guess that's why we feel like there is no one answer to fix the distance. We must figure out our new marriage identity together. I think for us first we have to figure things out about ourselves, at least I hope that is the direction of all this chaos. He is now searching for a new job and trying to sell his car. As much as he seems the same he too is different, just not as able to express himself as I do about all of it.
I'm not driven for a career any longer. I want to simply work at my business to earn enough money to be comfortable. I want to live-that simple. I want to raise children and find ways to be happy in the midst of this hole that will remain in my heart for Audrey.
The fights we once had we'll have no more. I could care less how he goes about home repairs. I no longer resent others who are out having fun while we work on our house...now I am just glad we have one because that is ALL we have. I know I certainly have a better understanding of love. I don't want to be right anymore in a disagreement, just come to a solution. I don't want him to do things my way. I just want the respect and trust to grow more in our relationship. I just want to stay together. I just want to love deeper and better. It's simple really- what I want- but it doesn't always come so easy.

This is my long answer to the question, "How has your marriage been affected by the death of Audrey?" asked by Heather at Dead Baby Club

Untitled piece

2010-08-11T23:48:00.002-05:00

Hi lovely ladies. As I've mentioned before I was working on some paintings and they are now complete! I submitted them to Still Life 365 and one of them is being featured today. Through this I learned something about myself. I have been extremely insecure about my art as I only share it with people close to me. Sadly, I've also been such a harsh critic of my work that I've destroyed a lot of it. More and more I am able to silence that stupid voice in my head. So this is the first time I've ever really put it out there and it feels good. I encourage you to check out SL365 and participate in her creative prompts and/or submit work of your own if you haven't already. There are some really beautiful poems and art pieces to be found there.

Audrey's Little Light

2010-08-08T15:40:00.002-05:00

Here's a reminder to head over (if you haven't already) to Audrey's Little Light to enter to win a customized candle in memory of your little one. There's just 2 1/2 days left to enter!

Balloon Release

2010-08-07T07:59:00.002-05:00

This week we attended the annual balloon release hosted by our local child loss support group. It was an incredible service. I had no idea what was in store. It was like a funeral service, which I didn't expect. As soon as we were handed a program I skimmed it over and welled up with tears. I haven't done a whole lot of crying lately. I thought "oh no, here we go again. I hope I can keep some composure." Every meeting starts with candle lighting. Anyone who is attending for the first time can make a brief statement about who the candle is being lit for and when they died. As well as those who's birth or anniversary falls in the month of the meeting. I started crying from the first person who lit a candle. I couldn't help but think over and over, "This is so unfair! None of us should have to be here!" The service included beautiful poetry readings and songs like The.Butterfly and Who.You'd.Be. Today. I was a ball of tears. There was a new couple there who just lost their son 3 weeks ago who was born premature and lived a few hours. Their story took me right back to the beginning of our loss. They were sitting directly in front of us and as they cried I cried partly for me, remembering what those first days were like and partly just for them. I hate to see others go through this too. Life is so unfair!
At the end of the service we went outside and tied a personal message to our children to a balloon. We heard the song Somewhere.over.the.rainbow and let them go. It was a powerful thing to do, let go. I have to say though, that I couldn't get my balloons to fly away. It actually became a little commical for a moment. I tied one for our miscarriage and one for Audrey together and the weight of the messages didn't allow them to soar. I looked around and those who had more than one loss and some who tied their message toward the bottom of the string were having the same issue. In fact we were on a busy street and many cars were stopping as the road filled with weighted balloons. I wished I had my camera, it was a site to see. For a moment the world had to stop for us. Someone ran inside and grabbed another bundle of balloons so we could tie another balloon on to carry our existing ones away. I didn't get it. Instead I thought the other balloon was to replace the existing, so I struggled to untie the messages and re-tie. The balloon for my miscarriage flew away finally not being tied to Audrey's. I just couldn't get Audrey's to take flight, so finally I removed the message and let it go without, then released the one that was given to me. Later Jamie asked me why I did it that way, then explained what he did (yes we were right next to each other and I didn't notice that he simply tied the last balloon to his and let go). I think that is such an allegory of our grief experiences. He simply let go without a struggle and I'm left behind him to figure this all out. Before we left I grabbed another balloon to take home with me. The next day I salvaged the tattered message to my baby girl and released it all alone in my yard, right outside the window that would have been her's to gaze from. As sad as I felt that I didn't get the first experience in the company of others, I also felt it was just meant to be that way.
It feels like the theme of my life these days is filled with allegories. Allegories of Audrey's life, death and our grief. There's beauty in them.

Audrey's 1st Birthday Giveaway

2010-08-01T08:00:00.001-05:00

A few days ago as I was feeling lame I finally got some fire under my booty. I had every intention of doing this months ago and so here it is......Drumroll...... In memory of Audrey and her approaching 1st birthday I will be hosting the first of three giveaways...but you must go to Audrey's Little Light to enter! Head on over... I'll meet you there on the 10th to announce the winner!

Feeling Lame

2010-07-28T15:20:00.004-05:00

I hate repeating myself. It's the same story, I miss Audrey, I think of her all the time. I feel lame because I don't have anything profound to say. It's getting hard to look at the picture of her I have as my screen saver and for that I feel a little guilty. I'm pondering what to change it to. I packed up the few things I have of hers a few days ago because I just can't look at them right now. Is this progress? I don't know but I'm not going to beat myself up for it. I think it's okay to feel guilty sometimes for finding happiness or moving forward. But I'm finding on the flip side that I don't need to feel guilty either. By putting her things away, in a tote to be stored away, I won't forget about her. I won't stop loving her. Sometimes it's just too much to hold on to. With her first birthday approaching I am overwhelmed at the thought of planning something for her. As I read about all the wonderful ways other BLMs honor their babies on the first birthday I can't seem to picture what I can do for Audrey. Over the months I've had many notions of what that day will bring, but as it gets closer I can't picture doing any of the things I once thought of. She's not here so what's the use? I know. It sounds terrible doesn't it? I mean it's not really for her anyway it's more for me. I imagine that everyday is like her birthday where she is, in heaven! I'm participating in the Day of Hope donation. Right now that is all I can think and muster energy to do. I feel that is pretty close to Audrey's birthday and I hope to continue each year. But is it enough? Maybe my feelings will change as it gets closer to those dreadful days of September. Right now all I can think of is the song "Wake me up when September ends". Beginning with Labor Day I'd like to go to sleep and not wake up til about the 30th. That will allow me to miss all the days in the hospital, right up to the funeral and a few extra days where I remember sitting home all alone wishing I had someone to take care of me while my husband went to work.
Lame.

Audrey Hepburn

2010-07-21T12:09:00.005-05:00

I think about Audrey all the time and especially when I drive past this when I go see my counselor. It won't be up much longer as it is only to cover the construction going on inside. Once the store is ready to open for business Audrey Hepburn comes down. I'll be sad when that day comes. I feel like that store and I have so much in common. I want to keep my Audrey visible to the world, all the while I am so ugly inside from all that is being remodeled in me. Audrey is much prettier than I. I'd like to believe that I too will emerge from this "remodel" a better version of me. The last time I saw my counselor she asked if I'd like to continue with my sessions since she thinks I am doing so well. I said, " I'm not ready to let go of you yet." Part of me thinks I am doing so well because I have to report back to her on the "assignments" she gives me. She keeps me accountable to live, like so many people take for granted, those whose lives have never crumbled beneath them. The other part of me thinks maybe- just maybe I've found my way....my way of navigating through the muck of grief and in spite of it's attempt at dragging me down I've found a way to cry and be angry one minute and go put on a happy face the next -and mean it. I started seeing the counselor every week, then every two now we're at every three. I guess you could say I'm weaning myself. The saddest part is, I worry I might REALLY need her if I lose this rainbow too. So for now I hold on to her and she asks me all the right questions to uncover another layer of the new me.

What I've been doing

2010-07-06T12:48:00.001-05:00

It feels like a warm breeze has blown through my frozen bones allowing me to live again. I'm not just going through the motions, I have actually found the desire to do some things I enjoy. So, the grief isn't swallowing me up these days...I know that can change at any given moment, so for now I'll bask in the warmth of healing. I've found myself painting again, which I'll post two as soon as I get them finished, almost there. I completely made my bed Tuesday for the first time in months, I've been just throwing the covers up & over to cover the sheets - that's a "new normal" thing. I missed the pretty decorative pillows that have been living in the corner on the floor.
I'm watching less T.V.
I have kept up with laundry for the past few weeks- that's improvement
I'm spending time outside taking in the vitamin D.
I'm finding many things that make me smile outside and I am capturing them with my camera.
I decided to attend Compassionate Friends support groups every month. I went for the first time in February and didn't go back until June, Jamie went with me in June and I think it's a good idea to continue.
I'll be joining a book club when it starts, the midwife who was planning to deliver Audrey is starting one and it will be great to meet some new people-like minded people hopefully.
What really shocks me is my response to a neighbor's baby shower invitation. I actually feel like making her a gift, I may not attend the shower, or I may drop in for a short amount of time, but I am not overwhelmed with sorrow. I know that may change by next month, but I shocked myself.
I am not feeling guilty these days for going on with life. I think about Audrey many times throughout the day but I'm okay with NOT everything being all about her.
I've continued with counseling and it is really helping me.
I'm starting to forgive myself for failing. Not only failing to carry Audrey to full term, but also the ways I feel I've failed at life since we lost her.
I'm still hurting but it seems like there is more time in the day that I am healing than I am hurting.
I may be a mess tomorrow, but for today I will bask in the sunshine.

Why?

2010-07-02T23:47:00.000-05:00

I can't help but wonder sometimes why we lost you. I've been over it every which way, I mean spiritually, philosophically,and medically or scientifically.

I hate this mystery. I hate that there is no diagnosis for the reason my water broke. I hate the word "fluke" that is so often used by doctors.

So, let's say my cervix isn't weak...

Was it the stress hormones (due to my job) coursing through my veins that "compromised my immune system?"

Was it the chemicals in the exterminators so-called-safe formula that brought on pre-term labor 4 days after he sprayed?

Was it because I got pregnant so soon after the miscarriage that my uterus needed a break after 24 weeks?

Was it due to the coffee I drank at grandma's funeral 4 days before?

Was there too much fluid...it had been 4 weeks since the last ultrasound, did my body produce too much fluid that caused the pressure and snapped?

Do I still have some bizarre condition that no one has detected yet that makes my uterus hit the eject button?

Did I eat something I shouldn't have unknowingly and if I did, how did that cause my water to break without the signs of infection?

I miss you every day baby girl.

Her Headstone

2010-06-23T11:10:00.006-05:00

I didn't sleep a wink last night. This is unusual for me, of course it doesn't help that it was thunder storming and my little dog whined off and on all night. Needless to say I am tired and when I'm tired I'm cranky. I slept for a solid hour this morning before I had to get up for a doctor appointment- that I DID NOT have- early this morning. *eyes rolling* When I arrived I was told that I am not scheduled til Friday. Great. I could have slept all morning. So since I was awake and finally had my camera with me I went to Audrey's grave. I've been meaning to post these pictures since Memorial Day but each time I went to the cemetery I would forget my camera.

So, tonight we meet with another Monument company to compare prices and availability for Audrey's headstone. I just realized the other day that if I want it to be placed by her birthday we better get to it! And of course I know exactly what I want as far as the color and size (which may take time to come in as the color of granite is imported) but I still can't commit to a verse, quote or a sketch. Jamie doesn't seem to have a preference...he leaves all the "cosmetic" (as he puts it) decisions to me. Anyone have any ideas? We must make a decision this week!

I feel so blessed that Jamie's brother had this heart made to honor our daughter. He asked Jamie a few months ago if it would be okay if he had something made for her, Jamie agreed but didn't tell me until it was ready. It was such a nice surprise. We were not alone remembering our baby on Memorial Day. Others came and brought flowers too. What brother Richard didn't know was that I kept replacing the funeral program that was inserted in a plastic sleeve on a plastic temp. marker because it kept fading in the sun and getting water inside. I hated that. For the rest of the summer my baby will be seen clearly. When we get her headstone I think we will transfer this to my flower garden I will be expanding next year in her memory.

Summer Solstice

2010-06-21T15:12:00.005-05:00

This lily is in one of my flower beds. I planted them 2 years ago in the fall and last summer only one or two blooms appeared. Much to my surprise there are about six buds and four blooms right now. Oh, they are just beautiful!

Melissa from Raindrops and Kristin from Dear Stevie are doing photography projects which has inspired me to do so as well. I used to dabble in photography a lot more before Audrey died and like so many other things, I've lost my passion for photographing and remembering the beautiful moments in life that bring me joy. I will be posting pictures of summertime (my favorite season) and anything that brings me joy or helps me honor Audrey's memory. I hope you enjoy them too.

Now for a little update: Yesterday (Father's Day) went pretty well. My dear husband would do anything for anyone and early yesterday he got a call from a friend who knew someone who needed some rescuing. Jamie is mechanically talented and is always working on some one's car and does so at a fraction of the cost of a shop or dealership. Anyway, a woman's van broke down on her way home from an out of state trip, to make a long story short he took his car trailer and off he went driving over an hour to get said van and bring it back. This set us behind on our plans. We were only able to spend an hour and 15 minutes with the step-dad because we planned to be at my dad's after he got off work. It was quite nice we arrived late to mom's, (just in time for the awesome meal) visited with my uncle & kissed the nieces and nephew. The announcement was made that my brother is engaged. Jamie wrestled and played with the kids, and received a beautiful card from my mom and was wished a happy father's day by my brother's fiance'. Then off we went to my dad's which of course was a nice visit. Jamie wanted to visit his parents' graves so we went to the cemetery and came home. It was as perfect a day as it could be without his father and our daughter.

Happy Summer everyone! I hope it brings joyful moments to each one of you.

Father's Day - Another Part of Me

2010-06-19T11:56:00.002-05:00

The approaching days to this holiday are always the hardest of any for me. Each year I have to emotionally prepare for the events Father's Day brings. This year doesn't feel much different except that it is even harder because I can't make "other" plans for my hubby. So, here goes the other part of me....
This is how my mom says it,"We have a his, mine and ours family." My mom and dad divorced before I was a year old. My mom re-married when I was 6 and with a new step-dad came my first little brother from his previous marriage, then my mom had my sister with the step-dad when I was seven. We all grew up together, love each other very much and none of us refer to each other as step or half siblings unless we're describing our family such as I am now. I also have adopted twin brothers who are 17 years younger. We are a family of Christians who each have their own relationships with God. To the outside world we probably appear to be one big happy family. For the most part this is true however; very few people know what it was like for me as a child or the "family secret."

From ages 6-11 my step-dad was mean and abusive. He was an active alcoholic and drug addict and I was his victim. He was a monster in all forms, he was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive toward me. I was afraid and alone as a child, left to fend for myself. Where was my mom? Working. In denial. Nursing her own wounds from the past. Distracted.

When I was ten I went to church camp with a cousin, and there is where I met my Saviour. I cried out to Jesus to please make all the madness at home stop. Within a year my step-dad met my Saviour and he introduced Him to my mom. My eleventh birthday was the last time I saw my step-dad drunk.

One day when I was just about to turn 18 I decided not to return home. The demons I pushed down for so long needed to be dealt with. I tried to deal with them in all the wrong ways in all the wrong places with all the wrong people.

It wasn't until I was 19 that I told someone about the abuse. I told a doctor who referred me to a counselor and from there I told my mom. I was relieved when she believed me. We went to a wise Christian couple who we both trusted to help us sort out - or mostly my mom-where we would go from here, how to begin healing and how to confront her husband.

To sum up this journey of a few years my step-dad admitted what he had done when my mom confronted him, he then repented to me and I was able to forgive him. Please understand when I say forgive I don't mean forget. I am not God. I cannot just forget what happened and unfortunately there are many things that trigger memories that I have to live with for the rest of my life. When things come up and I get triggered I have to choose forgiveness all over again. Sometimes this takes a few minutes by the grace of God and others it takes a few days to shake it and leave it at the cross. It was especially easy when I lived out of state. Years went by that I didn't have to face old memories or do the work of forgiveness. That changed when I moved home and have to see my abuser on a regular basis.

What about my biological father? I was afraid of him when I was young because he wasn't around much and when I went to his house (and he was home) I associated him with the kind of man I lived with every day. My step-mom would pick me up on his weekends, but he was a truck driver and a lot of times he wasn't there, or only for a few hours. It wasn't until I became an adult that a miraculous healing took place between us and a bond was finally formed.

Here's what is so hard for me. My mom always has us kids over to celebrate Father's Day. There is no part of me that recognizes my step-dad as my "father." He lost that title the day he robbed me of my innocence. Most times I'd even like to refer to him as my mom's husband. This is what I have to work through EVERY year. Forgive him again and appreciate that he gave this world my brother and sister who I love and look forward to seeing at every family gathering. I can forgive but I have such a hard time doing anything more than that. I don't want to celebrate "him" in any way. (His birthday is another difficult gathering.)

I absolutely LOVE my dad. He shows me more and more all the time how much he loves me and is proud of who I am. He and my step-mom weren't able to have any children together, which makes for a pretty uneventful get together. I am it. I always split Father's Day to spend time with everyone. Since Jamie and I have been together we've made our rounds to all dads.
This year is just crappy for Jamie and I both. It is the second year without Jamie's dad and the first without his baby girl.

Audrey being here would have changed Father's Day in so many ways. I wish we were going to my dad's so he could spend the day with his only daughter and granddaughter. I wish I could have had a conversation with my mom that went a little something like....."Well, we won't be there this year since it's my dad's first year as a grandpa and Jamie's as dad. I planned a day for them at ????? (far far away) so you guys have fun without us!" My sister has blessed them with three beautiful grand babies so the pressure is off there. I still could have planned something but my dad is working and it just isn't the same not having her physically here to spend time with.

sigh

Then there's picking out cards. ugh. Better go do it now.

5 Senses

2010-06-11T18:36:00.000-05:00

Grief changes everything.

I can see so clearly now. I notice the color of the birds that nest in our trees, I really look at them. I see how green the grass is, how tall the trees, how cute the babies are.

What I cannot see is someone else's eyes, yeah, that's new-it's so hard to look people in the eyes maybe I fear they'll see through me to the deep pain. It feels too vulerable. They might reject me.

Food no longer tastes as sweet or salty or savory. Taste is overrated. I eat because I must for nothing more than fuel to keep life in me.

I hear sorrow in others' stories, I hear it now with more compassion, with understanding. I hear babies cry in many public places and I hear it with appreciation no longer irritation.

I smell everything. Really smell everything.

I can't truly touch anything, it's as if I've lost my grip my sense of touch is no longer amazed or wowed.

I'm Moving

2010-05-26T11:10:00.004-05:00

This is how my therapist puts it. She showed me a picture of a tornado and along the outside of the drawing it lists what is otherwise known as stages of grief. Grief is kind of like a tornado in that it tosses us around from one "stage" to another with no particular pattern or time frame.

I was stuck for the last few months in depression, I was at a stand still, just stuck. Now I am moving again and it doesn't matter if I revisit a "stage" or go on to a new one so long as I am moving. One day the tornado will spit me out- that I look forward to. I think Ms. Therapist is gonna work out. She asks me the right questions, which lead me to answer my own dilemma just by thinking about how to answer her. She helped me put into words what I need.

I started my own project. I decided to evaluate the relationships in my life, those who have made themselves available to me I will ask for the support I need. Those who have dismissed me and made reference to "getting together when I feel better" I will not pursue friendship with any longer. And, I will seek out new friendships. This has been a long time coming.

My homework from Ms. Therapist is to start Audrey's scrapbook and finish one of my paintings by next week's session. We came up with this assignment together. She suggested I focus on the things I can physically put into action instead of my thoughts and feelings (not to ignore them but to set them aside) for a few hrs. to accomplish something I would otherwise like to do. Seems simple enough really. Changing our own thoughts and feelings is sometimes impossible.

Lord, forgive me for not accepting your grace, you can change the way I think and the way I feel.

I thought I would share what my space looks like once I get inspired and dig in. What does this resemble to you? A tornado maybe?

My everyday life "stuff"

2010-05-21T13:33:00.000-05:00

Oh where to begin?... Well my first counseling appointment was yesterday. I'll be totally honest I think my therapist is fresh out of college and my first thought was "Great, what does she know about life at 22ish?" Don't get me wrong, I know she is qualified to do her job and a good therapist doesn't counsel based on their own life experiences; however I guess I feel as though she may only have a textbook answer or response for me. Ah well, I'll give her a chance, hopefully she'll surprise me. Today she just gathered information from me and next week will probably get intense.

On a positive note I had one good day this week. I planted my garden....pumpkins, carrots, spinach, mixed greens, peas, beans, beets, and more. Now I just have to go buy some tomato and pepper plants. I hope to learn how to can salsa and pasta sauces. I have two aunts who can teach me. Hopefully, I will have the motivation when the veggies are ready.

I'm working on a couple of paintings that I haven't touched in over a month, I was inspired to do a handful of them, started a few but now I struggle to finish...I find myself extremely frustrated by this!

My business is slow, as I don't have a huge clientele to keep me consistently busy. I work very part time. There are things I could be doing to advertise and network but I've lost my passion for this work...by this I am also frustrated. I could go get another part time job but the thought of learning one more thing right now overwhelms me to no end.

Who the hell am I??? What do I want???

There is a mountain between Jamie and I emotionally. His life has returned to it's exact same routine-it did months ago. My whole life is upside down right now and I watch him drink his orange juice every morning, leave at the same time, come home at the same time. He talks to the same friends about the same old things. He went right back to the way things were. Maybe this is good for me, he's the only thing that hasn't changed in my world. But most days that frustrates me too. He no longer asks me if I'm okay because clearly I am not, so why ask only to hear the same things over and over again. I just wish I really felt like we are in this "grief work" together but I don't.

A long time friend is really being selfish by making everything about her and her problems. She's had a rough couple of years which I have "been there" through. Even after Audrey died I have put my pain aside to hear her woes. , which I genuinely care about.When I've been tempted to minimize the things she's going through (in my head) I refrain by telling myself, " just because she hasn't lost a child doesn't mean she doesn't have her cross to bear too." Something dawned on me yesterday as I told my therapist about the people in my life I draw support from. I have stopped talking about Audrey with her and there has been this underlying irritation I couldn't articulate until now. Everything she has lost she can get back!! They are material things, geographic locations, health, friendships. Those are all attainable. I can NEVER have Audrey back in this life!!!! Now that I think about it she has gotten worse since I lost Audrey. The only way I can put it is this, it's like she is competing with me on who's life sucks more. It is so stupid.. I am avoiding her phone call as I type this -how ironic. I don't even know what I will say to her when I do speak to her. I would like to tell her to get over it and get on with life. Those are the things you can get over! I'm tired, I can't "be there" for her anymore. I need to be selfish right now.

Phew, I tend to censor things I write for fear of who might be reading anonymously but today I just don't care. This is my space and I'll write what I want to.

Tomorrow is my cousin's graduation party where 3 baby girls will be. These are two of the same I mentioned were born just after Audrey who I tortured myself seeing at Thanksgiving. Well, last week the third baby girl was born. I told my aunt I would be at the grad party last week over facebook. Today I decided there is no way I am prepared to see those precious little ones being ooohed and aahhed over. So, the card will go in the mail. My aunt will get a "Sorry I decided I can't make it because I'm not ready to see your third granddaughter yet" over facebook. That may not be acceptable but again, toady I don't care.

I just discovered something. I've been too concerned about the relationships in my life. Wanting them not to change because I have, that I've censored myself a lot. For example I didn't go to a birthday party for the same reason I'm not attending the graduation party and I didn't give a reason. Why do I feel like I can't be honest and say I can't see babies right now! From now on I will. Maybe that is why I am depressed, I don't shout it from the roof tops that I am insanely hurt! I've been hiding away not wanting anyone to see me this way (unrecognizable to myself) but now I don't care- see me- love me or leave me, understand me or judge me, this is just the way I am.

I've been mad at the world this week and somethings got to give.

"If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best."

Depression

2010-05-13T10:47:00.000-05:00

I am struggling right now. Every commercial I see about anti-depressants totally hits home. Depression hurts everywhere. I can't smile it hurts. I don't have tears anymore. I don't have the energy for anger. I'm just here hanging on by a thread. Partly, I feel guilty, I mean, I should be thankful for all that God has blessed me with and I am. It's just plain hard right now. I just sit here overwhelmed by everyday choices. I ask myself, "should I start a load of laundry or read my bible or watch t.v.?" and I end up laying on the couch watching my dog sleep-and this can go on for hours, as I end up falling asleep then waking up and staring at the dog until I absolutely have to get up because one of us has to go to the bathroom. Where does all my time go? I waste so much of it these days. I can't seem to find the motivation to anything unless I HAVE to. I feel washed under ... under a gigantic wave of sorrow that I can't seem to fight enough to come up for air.
For about the last month I started to wonder if it's time to call in the professionals.

At my doctor appointment Monday the nurse asked me to fill out a questionnaire to determine whether or not I could possibly be experiencing depression. She explained that more studies are showing that postpartum depression doesn't begin after giving birth but that it sometimes starts during pregnancy, and it is a routine this office now practices. While my eyes were welling up I said, "I am still so deeply grieved over my loss that I will probably score depressed." Her response was, "Yes, I am sure you are, and we want to make sure you have someone to talk to if that is what you need." I was so scared I might be told to just be happy because I have another on the way. Phew, I don't have to feel guilty anymore. It's okay to be depressed, I'll get through it one day.

Sure enough, I scored high and I am being referred to a counselor. Praise the Lord. I am looking forward to having a time set aside where I can speak freely about Audrey and all the disappointment I feel.

I have more hope already, I've seen counselors in the past and they have helped tremendously.

Running Out of Words

2010-05-05T12:23:00.003-05:00

Lately I am finding it hard to express myself by writing, that's why I haven't been on here much. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Audrey and miss her, in fact multiple times each day. It is getting easier though, accepting this pain that is a permanent part of me now. I just can't really find any more words to describe what I am going through except healing. I have a few projects I am working on I will share with you as I finish them and hopefully soon.

On another note...
I am excited to announce that I have started a little blog business I'd love for you awesome readers to check out. It would be my pleasure to customize a candle for you! Go on over to http://audreyslittlelight.blogspot.com/ and take a look!

And... I have added my rainbow's button for those who would like to stay in the "know" about our new little one.

I can't cry anymore

2010-04-23T14:21:00.002-05:00

Weird. I can't cry. I found a new level of grief. Yesterday I went for a walk with a friend who I haven't spent much time with since Audrey died. I told her my good news and she started crying. She said she is so happy for me and that I deserve to be a mother. She said she was so sorry she never offered her condolences but she wanted me to know how deeply she cares and how hurt she is that we lost her. This wasn't just a few tears welling up in her eyes. She was bawling, like- hard to breathe and talk- bawling. I stood there just stunned that she was so broken up about it. She seemed embarrassed to say anything a long time ago for fear that she would cry like this. I found much healing in her tears. It was as if I were standing outside of myself unable to feel anything, yet healing while watching someone else experience sorrow over my baby girl. A few months ago I would have been bawling with her. Now I just feel an ache, a deep ache that tears can't seem to touch.

I realized something that I have forgotten. When friends of mine have lost someone I felt like I had to be strong and not cry(except maybe at the funeral) in their presence. Maybe that's why people have disappointed me, maybe there are more people out there who are embarrassed by their emotions toward our loss so they avoid the topic. Maybe dead babies are too much for them to "keep it together" to be here for us. Maybe they think it's as unfair as we do. I know my friend does anyway. I am blown away at her compassion toward me and I feel I can let go of some my disappointment toward others in my life who have never uttered a word. Even if it did take her 7 months to say something, it was worth the wait to see her sorrow.

Please Pray Update

2010-04-22T22:55:00.002-05:00

Thank you so much for your prayers! I'll call her Sue. Sue went in for her ultrasound and baby has more fluid, yeay!! They found in her blood work that she had a silent UTI which could be some of the reason for the low fluid. Baby still looks a little small but they think her due date could have been calculated wrong. She has other children and her last pregnancy docs were way off on her due date. So, praise the Lord everything will probably be okay!

Want to see some cute handbags?

2010-04-20T21:06:00.004-05:00

Franchesca at Small Bird Studio is hosting a giveaway by a great artist who makes fabulous handbags! Sign up to win one and check out Maranda's cute Etsy shop!

Oh, and grab my new site button while you're here! Franchesca made it for me and I am so happy with it!

Please Pray

2010-04-13T13:10:00.003-05:00

There is someone very close to me who is 15 weeks pregnant. She went in today for a routine ultrasound and didn't receive great news. Her baby is small and does not have what the docs think is enough fluid. She was sent home with a prescription and told to come back in a week to re-check. If baby hasn't improved they told her they would "take" the baby. This is just awful! My heart just feels so heavy for her right now. If you feel led please pray that this little one improves and that she won't have to make a decision to abort or continue with the pregnancy. She is a believer and understands that she doesn't have allow them to "take" the baby- it's just irritating that they automatically jump to that! Sorry, that's just my little rant. She has a lot of other difficult circumstances that I wish I could ask you ladies to pray about but I don't have the liberty to disclose who she is. Your prayers would be appreciated!

Letter to the not-so-grieved

2010-04-13T00:49:00.001-05:00

After experiencing some hurts along this long, winding, very bumpy, pot-holed, under-construction road of sorrow, I decided to write this letter. I wrote it on OUR behalves as I have gathered such insight from other baby loss moms as well. Feel free to use it in any way you see fit- if it fits for you and certainly take liberty to omit or add to. I just needed to get this off my proverbial chest. =)

Dear family and friends of the bereaved mom,

This letter was written to help you respond in a healing way to the bereaved mom in your life.

First, to inform you that you cannot possibly give advice to the grieving mother unless you too have lost a child. Even then- what worked for you may not work for her, so tread lightly. Please do not say anything more than the following statements which have been approved by bereaved mothers: I am so sorry. I am thinking of you. I am praying for you. My heart breaks for you. I wish there were something I could say or do to bring your baby back. This really sucks. This is so unfair. I am here for you. If you want to talk I will listen.
Please only say the last two if you mean them.

Please call and ask how she is dealing with the loss 3,6,9 and 12 months later and simply say you are thinking of her. It is important to remember the birth/death day, send a note or card if you are not comfortable with a call. She is still grieving, she has not gotten over it and she will never "get over it."If you have left a message and she has not responded please do not mention to her that she isn't getting back to you. She needs to know you are willing to listen and comfort, but also not feel pressured to return messages. She will reach out when/if she needs you. She will appreciate the gesture.

Do not be afraid of her tears, they are cleansing to her, and you will not make her mad for asking about the child she continually thinks about and misses.

Please do not expect anything or need anything from her for at least 6 months to a year (everyone grieves in a unique way this is just a guideline). And by expecting/needing anything this includes attending any family or special gatherings, especially holidays and baby showers or any place there may be a baby. Simply extend the invite and leave it at that. This also includes your need to be there for her, your feelings may be hurt if she doesn't come to you. Find a way to get past it without her knowing.

Let her off the hook if she says she will be somewhere and she changes her mind and cancels. You cannot take her decisions personally!

Do not go into great detail about someone else's new baby, if she wants to know she will ask.

If she and her significant other plan to "try again" you will know IF she tells you, this is not an appropriate question.

Don't ever assume she has other people supporting her. Don't think you have nothing to offer. She may be all alone in her grief with no one to talk to, the only way you can know this is by contacting her.

When speaking of her child use his/her name, it is important to recognize him/her as a person.

If you are close to her and someone who is not continues to ask about how she is doing, encourage the individual/s to reach out to her. If the individual does not, keep your statements vague in order to protect her privacy. And do not tell her all about how this individual keeps asking specific questions about her (she doesn't need to know that so-and-so keeps asking if you are still crying all the time and won't call to offer her condolences). This is called gossip, no one likes being talked about and not to.

It is a wise idea to do some research regarding the loss of a child. There are many books, websites, blogs, ministries and gifts available that will help you learn how to respond to a grieving parent. And better yet ask the bereaved mother in your life how she would prefer to be comforted, she may not know, especially if it is a very recent loss. She will appreciate you asking and there is nothing wrong with admitting you don't know how to act. There was a time when she didn't know what it was like to be in the shoes of a mother without her baby to hold.

And finally, avoidance is NOT the best policy. Despite what you may think she knows you are avoiding her and chances are that hurts her more than you saying the wrong thing. Again use the aforementioned statements or resources. Not saying anything can be interpreted as an attitude of indifference. It can also make you look like a coward.

I cannot apologize if this letter seems too harsh or uncomfortable for you. The emotions a mother feels are harsh and uncomfortable and for months at a time. The last thing she needs is someone she loves making her feel worse by your words or actions. I do hope that the manner in which I wrote this letter does not tempt you to dismiss the content. Thank you for reading and being a support to us.

Sincerely,
Audrey's bereaved mom

Pregnancy Mention

2010-04-06T16:09:00.003-05:00

I'll get to the point here. We are cautiously,optimistically, expecting our little rainbow. It's still very early (6 weeks) but I couldn't bear to be quiet any longer. After some careful thought and consideration I've decided that I will continue to keep this blog in memory of Audrey and limit my posts to life as it relates to her. Not that this pregnancy won't, but I feel more comfortable writing about the specifics of this baby in another format. There was a time (just before I found out about rainbow) that it was hard to read about those who've gone on to have another baby. I just wasn't ready. Most of you can probably relate. With that said please feel free to keep stopping by as I will keep on the topic I came here for, loving my Audrey and coping with life in relation to losing her. For any of you who wish to follow our rainbow, look for a button in the coming weeks ( I first have to figure out how to make one).
Thank you all so much for reading and commenting, I started this blog as more of a journal for myself to get my thoughts out there, but of course hoped a few people could relate to me. Now I know how good it feels to not be alone with my thoughts.

Hope everyone had a peaceful Easter!

Reminders of you

2010-04-01T17:18:00.002-05:00

I finally did it this morning, ventured down the stairs and to a tote filled with reminders. Yesterday I was jolted out of denial that spring is here when I went to lunch with a few friends. I got out of my car to go into the restaurant and much to my surprise I was overdressed- as in too heavy of clothing. One friend had short sleeves, bare legs and flip flops on and the other sandals and a sleeveless top. It didn't even occur to me how hot it was outside when I got in my car. There's that ugly grief again. I said to the girls. "Wow, I didn't know how hot it was going to be today," in my jeans,black hoodie and closed shoes. The truth is I heard it on the news but chose to ignore it, as if that would make the world remain still so I wouldn't have to face the joy and pain last spring brought us. You see, on March 31st last year my aunt died and I was still grieving our miscarriage too. Also, the sun shining and new life budding just irritates me. Never in my life have I been unhappy to see spring. I am not entirely unhappy, it just irritates me that people complain all winter about the snow and being cooped up. Then before we know it summer hits and people complain it's hot. No matter the weather I have a dead baby people!! Don't complain about the weather to me!
Anyway, I made it to the basement to get my summer clothes out of the tote I stored them in after fall. As I packed those clothes away I was in the darkest days of sorrow after losing Audrey. I didn't want to look at them, after all those were the clothes I wore while I was pregnant with her. I'm a pretty practical girl, I like to make the most out of the clothes I buy so I bought mostly non -maternity items stretchy enough to be worn during pregnancy, yet again next summer. So this morning there I was opening the tote with the pieces of cloth that contained my pregnancy. The cotton that touched my pregnant belly. It was surreal and I did it without crying. All day I am reminded that I wore this skirt and these flip flops to meet the midwife who was going to be there when I gave birth to Audrey at home. I'm also the kind of girl who gets rid of an outfit if something bad happened to me in it. I'd like to get rid of all last years clothes, but the trouble is I cannot afford that!

Part of me thinks I am happy to see spring and to wear these reminders of you. Maybe it's a good thing I can't afford to buy a new summer wardrobe if it means I can remember the good times we had- you and me Audrey.

Rejection and fear

2010-03-29T16:20:00.001-05:00

Hi darlings,
As I approach new things on the horizon I find myself not knowing what to write. I have many things happening to keep me busy, from my new buisness to planning a baby loss walk, to starting a few other blogs ...which I will soon update you on. How do you like my new look? It was time for a change.
God has been so good to me, I am meeting influencial people who will help further my business. However; I find myself so heavily burdened by failure that it's hard for me to advance, to receive the success that is about to mine. For a little background... years ago I moved to LA to follow my dream to work in film, doing makeup mostly and some hair. After a few years I decided the wisest thing to do was go back home for awhile, because I wasn't "making" it. Since I've been here I became allergic to many ingredients in the beauty industry and had to quit working in the salon. So now that I have found all organic products which allows me to do hair, I've opened a salon of my own - the one and only organic salon in my area. Sounds exciting doesn't it? Well it is - sometimes but I am afraid....afraid to fail again.
Sometimes I think, "What is the worst that can happen- I mean Audrey is DEAD!! Nothing can be worse than that right? So what if word gets around town that I'm a lousy stylist, who cares if Jane Doe doesn't want to come to my salon because it's not in WEST Des Moines(The epitimy of suburbia). Can that kind of rejection really hurt me more than losing my baby?"
No, of course not. This fear isn't rational, I know that. I've struggled to just let go of myself, share my talent with the world without fear of rejection and I've had breakthroughs, so I'm frustrated to find myself in this place again. Losing Audrey has sent me into a whirlwind of fear. A fearful wounded place I thought I would never see in myself again. I feel like a failure on so many levels now. So, everyday I get up put on my disguise and lie my face off most of the day. In fact this is the most honest I've been in DAYS!!

Lord, help me believe in myself again, and not just me but you flowing through me.

Third Time's A Charm

2010-03-22T23:32:00.000-05:00

I've come to realize that the greatest things that have happened in my life have happened the third time around. The third city I moved to is where I find myself settling in and calling home. Though I still have fond memories of and occasionally still speak to my first two best friends it is the third who I know will grow old remaining by my side.The best roomate dynamic I expirienced came when three of us lived in Apt. #313.And last but certainly not least,the third serious relationship I entered into resulted in marrying my wonderful husband!
I bet you can see where I'm going with this... Could it be that my third pregnancy will result in bringing a healthy, chubby, kicking, little newborn baby home with me? I can only hope.

"No one has ever imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Cor. 2:9

A beautiful necklace

2010-03-17T10:40:00.003-05:00

Check out this beautiful necklace created for baby loss mamas in memory of Audrey Caroline, head on over to Angie's blog Bring the Rain. I signed up to win and you can do the same!
And I'm so excited because I think i just finally learned how to link!!

Wishing you all peaceful days.

Broken

2010-03-15T23:12:00.002-05:00

On this day last year I was curled in a ball crying out to God, "How could you let me go through this? When I found out I was pregnant I praised you! You told me that you were restoring the years the locust had eaten. How is this restoration God? I begged you to let me keep this baby because I can't possibly survive one more thing...and here I am losing the blessing I gave you glory for, how can you take away the gift you just gave me???"

And here I find myself again only tonight I am crying out for so much more. Last year on this day I was experiencing a miscarriage. I felt so abandoned, so alone and broken. Tonight I cry because I lost that child I never felt move, who was only a dream. I cry because I bonded with Audrey and lost her too. I cry because people have greatly disappointed me today, including God. Yeah, God and two of the most important people in my life. One seems to avoid the topic and the other can't offer me any comfort and changed the subject when I needed comfort tonight. As for God, I wouldn't know where to begin or end except he knew that this anniversary would fall today and that my period would arrive, so how is that my husband is outta town for work and I am all alone- just like last year! While my husband worked my world was crashing down on me!

I feel so broken! There is no glue that can fix me.

Also, little did I know but this day last year my aunt was in terrible pain, suffering and barely surviving what would be her last days as she died March 31st. My mom called me a few days after the miscarriage to say that my Aunt Penny was going into the hospital.

I went to see my uncle today and he- like me is riding the waves of grief. He was brave enough to say Audrey's name and more than once. We laughed together and more importantly cried together. I left feeling like at least one person I can see and feel in person understands what I need. I didn't set out so that he could comfort me, quite the contrary as I think of him and miss my aunt often.

I keep asking God to show me whether our miscarried child was a boy or a girl. Nothing, Nada, zilch. I'd like to give him or her a name instead of saying "the miscarriage," this disappoints me too-about God.

Tonight I feel alone and broken.

I would cry more, but right now I am looking at a pile of tissues that is becoming another part of my new normal, a huge ball of mess that hold all the snot I am able to produce for one day. My eyeballs feel like fire, my head like a bomb on it's last few ticks, my sinuses hurt when I walk and I imagine myself in a million pieces all over the floor and I just don't care. I am a broken mess. To add injury to insult, one of my dogs just farted and the stench just slapped me like a tennis racket in the face..... It's okay if you're laughing now because I am!

This might call for a painting.

6 months

2010-03-10T16:59:00.003-06:00

It was six months ago today that I gave birth to my sweet Audrey. I find myself weeping. It is so appropriate that we are under a flash flood warning this week. It's the same with my soul, so many days have gone by that I have laughed, found peace and acceptance and found a new normal. I have had bitter winter days and I managed to allow some sunshine in, but just like spring, grief will inevitably cause a flood from time to time. Every time I hear that news man say cloudy with a 90% chance of showers, I feel as though he is describing me!

What makes me really irritable is the fact that so few people have asked me how I am dealing with Audrey's death. It's been this way for the last 5 months now. Maybe people assume that since I am functioning I must be okay. I have been told that people don't want to ask for fear they might upset me. I'm upset anyway! What they really mean is they will feel uncomfortable if I start crying, it's a selfish motive -I think.

Anyway, I have noticed a change in the way I respond to babies as of late. For the longest time when a baby would be in view I would look away, it was too painful for me to see someone in the grocery store with a baby. Now, I find myself staring until the baby leaves my site. Today as I was driving, a woman got her baby out of a parked car and started walking up the side walk, she was carrying her sleeping girl under a blanket and all I could see was dark hair and her legs and feet. She was probably about 6 months old. This was in front of a school so I was driving slow anyway but I found myself slowing to watch her walk until I absolutely couldn't watch anymore. Well, the van in front of me braked to turn and I almost rear-ended it! That jolted me into reality...I thought, "huh, I've been staring at babies subconsciously." I remembered a baby about 6 months old I was staring at in a store as I was fully conversing with a friend over the weekend.

There is a country song "Who you'd be today" I heard it the other day and although it is written about a woman, I couldn't help but think who Audrey would be today. The thing I wonder about the most is what color her eyes are. I love my husbands vibrant blue eyes, I prayed and prayed that she would have his eyes. I also asked for dark hair, God answered that prayer, she would have had a lot if she went to term. My favorite pictures of her are the ones where she isn't wearing a hat, I love looking at her dark hair.

I miss you so much baby girl, words just can't express the depth of longing to see you again. I wish I could hold you in my arms and squeeze you really tight. Every time I squeeze Maggie or Lucy I wish I was holding you. Those dogs feel really loved I'm sure of it.

Happy heavenly 6 months to you Audrey, we love you.

99 Things

2010-03-04T11:46:00.003-06:00

Maggie at Butterflies for Alexandra had this great idea - I think it was weeks ago! ...(And sorry I can't figure out how to make a link!) It took me a while to think up 99 things, but I thought I would join in the fun, please do the same! I'd like to share the random and funny things about me and my life with my readers and get to know you better as well.

Here are the rules: Bold the things you've done too and post them on your blog!

1. Started a blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Bought something from an infomercial
4. Had more than one flat tire on the same road trip
5. Shopped at the Mall of America
6. Been to Disneyland
7. Climbed a mountain
8. Jumped on a pogo stick
9. Fell from a tent naked as a child
10. Been to Mt. Rushmore
11. Toilet papered someone’s house
12. Watched a lightning storm
13. Taught yourself an art from scratch
14. Sold knives
15. Had food poisoning
16. Put a worm on a hook
17. Had “Glamour Shots” taken
18. Failed a class
19. Been interviewed by the police
20. Had a pillow fight
21. Been a part of a Broadway show
22. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
23. Built a snow fort
24. Held a lamb
25. Gone skinny dipping
26. Ran a marathon
27. Been white water rafting on the Arkansas River in Colorado
28. Played spades
29. Watch a sunrise or sunset
30. Hit a home run
31. Quit smoking
32. Been a friend to someone no one else liked
33. Walked the stars on Hollywood Blvd.
34. Seen an Amish community in person
35. Ate tacos in Tijuana
36. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
37. Done tongue tricks for a crowd
38. Gone rock climbing
39. Adopted a middle-aged pet
40. Sung karaoke
41. Seen Old Faithful Geyser erupt
42. Burned my mouth on jalapeno seeds
43. Seen John Wayne's birthplace
44. Walked on a beach by moonlight
45. Drove down Snake Alley
46. Witnessed someone else's child being born
47. Call my brother his name backwards
48. Fell asleep on the couch
49. Wore mis-matched socks all day
50. Ran out of gas
51. Kissed in the rain
52. Played in the mud
53. Gone to a Drive-in Theatre
54. Been in a movie
55. Dated a criminal
56. Started a business
57. Made a stranger laugh
58. Burned tacos
59. Served at a soup kitchen
60. Sold Girl Scout cookies
61. Been in a cave
62. Got flowers for no reason
63. Danced to the music in my head
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Fell up the stairs
66. Bounced a check67. Been to Cocoa Beach Fl.
68. Saved a favorite childhood toy
69. Wore a henna tattoo
70. Been given a car-for free
71. Laughed histerically at yourself
72. Had pink hair
73. Drove on the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Been fired from a job
75. Went horse back riding through mountains
76. Broken a bone
77. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
78. Seen a redwood forest
79. Drove on the PCH
80. Saw Chicago from the Sears Tower
81. Watched a street performer on Venice Beach
82. Missed a flight
83. Had your picture in the newspaper
84. Had a surprise party thrown for me
85. Hailed a cab
86. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
87. Had chickenpox
88. Been serenaded
89. Partied on a yaht
90. Met someone famous
91. Fired a gun
92. Got a tattoo
93. Had a baby
94. Seen the Alamo in person
95. Lived with an incredible view
96. Recieved a $50 tip.
97. Owned a cell phone
98. Been stung by a bee
99. Quit a job without giving notice

Just wondering

2010-03-03T15:29:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking about how different my life may be right now if Audrey hadn't died. I can't help it, I'm a what-ifer and have been for, well, maybe all my life. What if I would have chose to live with my dad instead of my mom...what if my ex-fiance' and I would have married and on and on. Don't get me wrong- I don't wonder about those things now, what I wonder about now is Audrey.

I wonder if, despite my happiness, I would have gotten depressed being home with a newborn through this nasty winter.
I wonder if I would have taken being a mother for granted and complained about certain things that go along with it, like every normal mother does.
I wonder if Jamie and I would still fight about the same stupid things we no longer find important enough to waste energy disagreeing on.
I wonder if we would have gotten our dog, Lucy.
I wonder what it would feel like to hold her to my breast. What would it feel like to comfort her cries? What kind of -she-did-the-cutest-thing-today kind of stories might I have told our families and friends?
Mostly, I wonder what she would have liked, who she would have become, what her little quirks would be. Who would she look like? Would she be smart, athletic, creative? Would she be into Snow White? Hello Kitty? Would she have chosen the path of faith I would have taught her?
These things, I will never know.

Here's one thing I do, I'm a better person for having her.

I love you and miss you so much baby girl!

My new life...keepin it real #3

2010-02-25T08:24:00.003-06:00

I had all these plans before I quit Peels. I would imagine how I would spend my days focusing on my business, working out, planning a walk to remember the babies lost in our community, maybe volunteer for a women's shelter and I wanted to cook more. I thought I would have it together, be more motivated, feel excited about my new life. I've met new people and made good contacts for my career which is exciting but I've changed. I am deeply disappointed. I am about to have the life I wanted before I was ever pregnant, which isn't exactly what I want now. I want to be tired because I was up all night with Audrey. I want to forget to take a shower because I am so enthralled in mothering. I wish my house was dirty not because I am depressed but because Audrey steals all my attention. I want to be able to say when someone calls me for work that I am only available in the evening when Jamie gets home from work, because I have a daughter I am with during the day. THIS SUCKS!!!!!

Do we ever get what we want!? I try so hard to be thankful for what I do have, I can't seem to find it in me today.

I know what I need to be doing but I can't. I need to take care of myself by eating well, exercising and- shoot- even sitting here crying, but I am tired of grief.

Grief is like the person who comes over uninvited then stays far longer than you wish he would.

And....I really do not like my new part time job. There must be some lesson here.

Love

2010-02-14T18:55:00.006-06:00

And now these three things remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1Cor. 13:13 When I chose the title of my blog, I had no idea that I would learn so much about love from Audrey. For years now I have cried out to God asking him to teach me love. So many circumstances from the past have really messed up my understanding of love. In my struggle to please God I realized I couldn't follow the first commandment: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength. Deut. 6:4 "What does loving you like this mean? What does loving another human being like this mean?" I asked God.
Even the story of the cross escaped me, despite the fact that I believe in Him. But, through this grief I had a revelation. I loved Audrey with all my heart, soul and strength and I still do. I would have given my life to save hers. I see God's love for me with new eyes now, by comparing it to the love I have for Audrey. I can finally say I am getting it...not fully aware yet but I'm starting to get it.

My nurse midwife (who I planned to have a home birth with) told me that one day I would realize the gift that Audrey left me with. Now I know, it is love. Valentines Day has always been a favorite of mine. Many of them have left me disappointed, as a result I didn't get my hopes up this year and I have to say I feel so blessed! My life is so full of love. My wonderful husband gave me this necklace in memory of her. I photographed it with the card I gave him behind it. Our love has grown so much since we lost her.

This necklace represents so much for us... the angels keeping charge over us, one heart for each baby we have in heaven, each of our hearts remaining open to one another and our children- including those we will have in the future.

I couldn't have asked for a better gift!

Audrey,

Your daddy and I miss you so much. We dug out your grave site today to give you our hearts, the wind was so cold and bitter, the snow blew over our footprints in the few minutes it took us to place these hearts. We wish you could be here with us more than anything in the world! Neither of us have ever known love like the love we have for you. We will continue to honor your memory by loving each other and our heavenly father.

Love always,

Mommy

Thank you God for giving her to us even though it was so brief.

Keepin it real #2

2010-02-08T22:02:00.002-06:00

UUUGGH... Okay so, all I can think about today is having a baby. I want to be a mother soooo bad. I want Audrey, I want another baby, heck I'll take someone else's baby, I just want a baby. I am working with a girl who is having a baby and one who thinks she could be having a baby and one who just had a baby and overheard a customer's phone conversation that she's having a baby and I WANT A BABY!!!!!!

I want to close my eyes and wake up in the morning with a baby.
I want to fast forward months and just have a baby.
I want to rewind and have Audrey.
I'm tired of holding my dog like a baby, I'm beginning to feel a little crazy!

I AM SO JEALOUS OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE BABIES!!!

We aren't even doing the "baby" dance for that to happen right now...I'm just having one of those days. I can't seem to put forth the effort to lose "baby" weight and eat healthy let alone take care of myself for pregnancy purposes - which I am hating myself for!

I just needed to put that out there.

Busyness

2010-02-07T16:19:00.002-06:00

I find myself getting back into the swing of life. I feel different now but it seems I've found a way to move forward without my daughter here. I am busy getting my salon started and my freelance side of things back in order. Weeks have gone by that I have not stopped at Audrey's grave. I don't feel as reflective anymore. I ask myself,"am I not dealing with this loss, or is this my new normal?" She crosses my mind frequently, but not with such a sting to my heart. Is this called healing or just a break from my grief? Well, no matter...I'll take it. Sometimes I feel guilty for a second for being so busy that I don't just sit and stare at the wall and think of her like I did not very long ago. I answered my own question today when I thought I should write a post. I am not dealing. I've been avoiding sitting down and getting quiet enough to hear my heart (here come the tears). I find it is just easier to deny the pain that is trying to escape me when I see anything at all to do with pregnancy or babies or even children. Well, there it is. That's where I'm at. Busy enough to deny my pain. I think it's time to start planning the remembrance walk that has been rolling around in my brain for months now. I think it will be a good way to bring baby loss mamas in our community together to remember their little ones.It will keep me busy but in touch with our loss. And in four days my career as an underwhelmed/overworked store manager will be over and I will have time to do so.

P.S. Can any of you fellow bloggers help me...I can't figure out why when I hit the bold button appears instead of bold type. I have tried this on my home computer and my laptop and it seems to be the actual blogger. It's amazing that I even have a blog because I am not technically inclined!

Here's to starting anew

2010-01-31T21:17:00.004-06:00
I did it. I gave my two week notice. I am leaving the position I have held for 6 years. What a relief, my life is about to change for the better!

Before I was pregnant with Audrey I planned to quit and start my own business. Then when I became pregnant we decided it would benefit us more for me to stay put for insurance purposes and a maternity leave. I planned to give birth, take my short term disability and let my company know that I would not return. During the decision making process I asked myself if I was being selfish for wanting to continue on with my plans to leave. I made a decent salary, had benefits and knew we could support our new child with our current salaries. Starting a business wasn't as "stable." Then it became clear to me. By staying in a job I had lost my passion for and most days dreaded showing up to - I was settling for less than I deserve and far less than God has called me to and gifted me for. I want to teach my children to follow their dreams, to utilize the gifts God has given them and to answer the call even if it will be hard work. I want to set an example, to trust God for provision and to be obedient.

So this is for you Audrey. God gave me the talent to see each person as a unique and beautiful creation and to help them enhance it. It makes me so happy to help others recognize their beauty, and encourage them to be their authentic selves as I have learned and am still learning. One's appearance is only a fraction of what makes a person beautiful but that is the part of the equation I am called to.

I am opening a salon studio in my home. I do this in memory of Audrey. I still do it to set an example even though she is not here to learn from her mother.

The countdown begins...10 days til I am done with this chapter and on to the next.

Keepin it real

2010-01-22T21:08:00.002-06:00
I feel fat. I feel angry. I feel alone.

My attitude stinks!

I realized this week that I have been turning to food for comfort because on some level I don't care to lose the weight I gained being pregnant. It's another way of holding on to my pregnancy, one more thing I have left of Audrey. I'm a mess internet!

One moment I am so grateful for my dear husband and want to show him by giving him hugs and spending time with him and the next I'm full of rage just looking at him.

I hate the jealousy I feel toward pregnant women and mothers.

I can hardly stand to share headspace with the part of me that gets irritated at cheerful people. I am so evil.

If healing is a wagon - I have fallen off! I'm a hater!

I am so ANGRY!! Mostly at myself, at my body for failing Audrey!

That's really all I have to say...I'm a mess

I won't give up

2010-01-10T12:50:00.006-06:00
My mother-in-law went into hospice on Tuesday and Friday her battle with congenital heart failure ended. I hesitate to say that I couldn't shed a tear, yes I feel sad for my husband and his siblings but I had no tears left. It's as if my tears are reserved only for Audrey. There is no pain greater than loosing a child. I've heard this statement before but now I understand it. Marylin was sick for years, she was 78years old and her husband went before her just about 18 months ago. It was her time and now we can only hope she is at peace.

So, the year started off with another death. I struggled to get out of bed these past few days, but I WON'T GIVE UP.

I love to read and recently I have fallen in love with the words of Max Lucado. Right now I am reading He Still Moves Stones in the chapter It's All Right to Dream Again he writes:

"The God of surprises strikes again.... God does that for the faithful. Just when the womb is too old for babies Sarai gets pregnant. Just when the failure is too great for grace David is pardoned....The lesson? Three words. Don't give up.
Is the trail dark? Don't sit.
Is the road long? Don't stop.
Is the night black? Don't quit.
God is watching. For all you know right at this moment... the apology may be in the making. The job contract may be on the desk.
Don't quit. For if you do you may miss the answer to your prayers."

I feel like it is okay for me to dream again. I am dreaming of my rainbow. I have prayed that God will bless us this year with a baby-to-go. I am ready, I want to be vulnerable before the Lord with another pregnancy. I -in no- way will replace Audrey or wipe away the grief of loosing her. She will be forever engraved on my heart. And whether we have another child soon or wait years, we will still have to trust the Lord and go through the same emotions and fears other parents who have lost babies do.

I am dreaming again of my business endeavor. Soon I will quit my job and dive in to the call of my heart. It's scary, but I will have to rely on God to be the father, to provide for me. I will tell you all about it when it falls into place.

Is anything too hard for the LORD? No! Genesis 18:14

Less of me

2010-01-03T20:03:00.006-06:00
Well here it is, 2010 and the correct thing to do would be to write a New Year post. Should I capitalize it like it's a holiday or an official title? Isn't it just another day, only the beginning of a new year? Ah well, I'll leave it because majority rules and everywhere I see it, it's capitalized.

So I've been reflecting on the upcoming year for weeks now and I had a post rolling around in my mind, but as I was about to put it to keyboard it all changed. Each year I set some goals I would like to achieve, ways I would like to improve or be more responsible, which I do a pretty good job of actually working toward. Then around my birthday I tend to reflect more on my life and ask myself if I am where I'd like to be and what else I would like to work on. My birthday is in June so it's almost half way through the year and it just seems the natural thing to do, just like making new years resolutions. Whether I accomplish them or not is another story. Well, no more.....no more resolutions, no more making goals at the turn of a new calendar year or birth year.

Here's how the original post rolling around in my head went:

Title: Divorce papers served
Dear 2009, you have been served. You have disappointed beyond my capacity to forgive, therefore we must end our relationship. I have no respect left for you and it's clear that by the way you treated me you have none for me. In January Jamie totaled his work truck, our computer got a virus and crashed, and because of that I lost the only copies of my best work. March 16th I had a miscarriage. Only one week later my aunt Penny died and left a huge hole in our family. All the while my best friend's life as she knew it was falling apart, thanks to the economy. Her and her husband were quickly losing all they had which forced them to eventually move half way across the country and in with her parents. April was like a curse that fell on my workplace as each employee suffered either a death or sickness in their family, which continued into May. August began with me losing my office and ended with the death of our great grandmother. September took my sweet Audrey and left me with an infection, and a boat load of other issues that carried into October, November and finished off the year. In October my uncle almost lost his life, was hospitalized, underwent major surgery and again came close to death. A wind of horror blew through everyone I was close to. A friend and colleague got into a terrible accident and is now in a wheelchair, another supported her boyfriend through a pulmonary embolism that nearly took his life, landed him in the hospital twice and cost him his job. An employee's dad went in for surgery able to walk, and talk and because of one wrong move in the O.R. he may continue to be paralyzed from the chest down. Another employee had a loved one commit suicide on Christmas Eve. A friend and client lost her job for no other reason than poor ownership to a thriving business. I could continue, but you get the point....you know what happened this year, 2009. I think you sucked!! I am so over you!! You gave so many such little joy and caused much sorrow. I am running of with 2010, I am sure he will be better for me. Goodbye and good riddance!

Sincerely,
Michelle

Well now, that felt good! Here's the thing though, we have a plan, we make goals, we hope that the turn of a decade will bring new and happier days and we take on this hope like it's the air that we breathe. Then there's God's plan, his time, his calendar. It is not mapped out anything like ours. Think of it this way, does cancer know what day it is? Does a failing heart continue to beat just because the people who love the one it belongs to had a bad year?
So, I ask God to help me pursue joy in the midst of whatever the next year brings. I ask him to give me grace to make it through each new day, to show me what those days might be like ahead. To prepare me for what he has in store and I receive the grace that is sufficient for me. For 2010 I hope to fall more in love with my Savior, that's it. It's the first commandment and my focus. GOD I NEED YOU, far less of me and so much more of you!

"You will know that God's power is very great for us who believe." Ephesians 1:19

Schadenfreude

2009-12-30T19:47:00.005-06:00
\sha-den-froi-de\n: taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others.

Why am I writing about a German word you ask... well I feel like I may be a victim. I was reading an article in January's issue of Marie Claire with this title. It's the opposite of envy, instead of feeling bad about a friend's successes we feel happy when she fails. When I read this I had an aha moment. There are a few people in my life who have responded to me in a certain tone or expression that translated to something I couldn't quite put my finger on but I knew they weren't exactly sincere. A lot of things trip me up about this. The article explained how celebrities are the most common victims of schadenfreude because when something bad happens to them, it brings them back down to earth and we can all feel better about ourselves. What about me would make these individuals view the loss of Audrey as "bringing me back down to earth?" I am not famous, boastful,extremely hot,rich or anywhere near the top of the ladder. In fact I am quite the ordinary girl who has - in my opinion - experienced her share of misfortunes! Maybe MORE than my share! Some people scoot through life with minor bumps and bruises while I've had internal bleeding!

It makes sense though - with these particular individuals and myself- there has been an underlying competition, over small things really, but it was there none the less. I guess what hurts the most is each of them know me well enough to have been through some of the hardest times in my life with me. I have also seen them through some of theirs.
Here's the thing though, I would NEVER wish this to happen to even my worst enemy(losing a child) but I do find myself waiting for bad things to happen to other people who seem to have it all together. I AM NO BETTER! In fact I believe we are all at our core capable of all kinds of evil. Boy, I could really get off track with that statement... like a good and evil debate but that was not my intention for this post. I'll get to the point. As I realized a few people are standing back - for whatever reason - and feeling a bit better about themselves because I am suffering, I also learned that this my time of opportunity. I have the opportunity to go on grieving as I need to and the opportunity to stop comparing my life with other's. So often now I find myself envying mothers, the mothers who have never lost a child. The one's who are getting irritated with their little boys being rambunctious in a store. The pregnant women who complain because they are 37 weeks pregnant and working full time.

My story is my own, I have had successes and failures and I own them fully. So I cannot focus on what others have or don't have. By God's grace I will not envy and I will not have schadenfreude toward another. I will not concern myself with those individuals I deeply care about who feel better about themselves while watching me suffer. Even though it makes it hard to be real with them, I will forgive and be honest about how I am doing. I will not allow the enemy to ruin my relationships. I will not dwell on what I did to cause schadenfreude toward me or how to fix it- that responsibility lies within those individuals. I will fix my eyes on the Lord and my heart for healing.

Poem For Audrey

2009-12-25T08:49:00.002-06:00
one tiny miracle
touched so many hearts
taken too soon
one life lost
one child taken
millions of hearts stop
one never starts again
one tiny miracle
breathing after 25 weeks
one tiny angel
singing her lullaby
saying goodbye
one tiny miracle
one tiny touch
a kiss from mom and dad
a lifetime of love
held in their hearts
one tiny miracle
left before it got a start
the race ended before it could begin
one tiny miracle
one lost breath
two kisses left on her forehead
one last hug
one tiny miracle laid to rest

This is a poem your cousin Katina wrote. She's a very cool person, you would have loved her.
Thanks Katina White for remembering our sweet Audrey.